This post has been edited by a member of the Talk It Out team.
(post retagged)
My husband spends all his spare time viewing porn on the internet. He denies that he has a problem and tries to pretend that he isn't watching it when I come into the room where we've got our computer, but I have checked on the sites visited and so I know what he's been doing. This has gone on now for two years and even though I love him dearly and am worried about his state of mind, I'm beginning to think I can't take any more, What should I do?
Tina
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Mark on 25 August 2008 at 9:46am said...
When you say all his time, can you be more specific?
Sounds like he is a highly sexed individual, have you asked him whether his sexual needs are being met within the rel;ationship?
PeeJay on 25 August 2008 at 1:17pm said...
Is watching porm generally a problem in your relationship? I mean is the problem the amount he is watching? The fact he is watching it at all or the fact that he is watching it without you?
As far as I am aware most men (and many couples) watch porn alone or together -so I was just trying to work out what is upsetting you?
Anonymous on 26 August 2008 at 5:48pm said...
I would be prepared to watch the porn with him and have told him so but he doesn't want me to. We have a happy and active sex life but I feel miserable and shut out because he wants to be alone for most of the time and on the internet porn sites.
Tina
Justapuppy on 28 August 2008 at 11:49am said...
Hi Tina, it sounds as though you two have talked aboout it a bit together, but have you told him how it makes you feel? How did he react - was he angry / defensive / sad etc.
I wonder if he's using the porn to shut out some of his feelings? Do you know if he's feeling low in other areas of his life?
Anonymous on 30 August 2008 at 1:57pm said...
I'm interested to read what you said Tina. My partner watches porn too, and it makes me feel whats the point, redundant. Our sex life is good too. He cant see what my problem is, says i knew this about him when we got together, thinks its not really different to watching football. I feel relieved a bit just knowing that theres someone out there feeling a bit like me and that I'm not wierd or alone.
Anonymous on 30 August 2008 at 4:46pm said...
sometimes men watch porn cos they feel lonely, not because of you but they have a part of them that is not connected and the porn takes the edge of this feeling. its really a deep yearning for god, that he does not understand and does not really know how to articulate, or soemtimes he may know and feel stupid for talking about god. these are some of my views having worked with men in variety of environments and it may be that he is struggling to find his heart, and what it is telling him about who he really is. no doctor or relationship counsellor can sort this out until he's ready to acknowledge that he is more than a physical being, and its not connected to his emotions.
Anonymous on 31 August 2008 at 9:21am said...
This last post is so helpful. I want to know more. Where can I find out more about what you have explained. How do I get my partner to think something like this? I can kind of imagine what you say, he doesnt believe in god or any thing like that and he tells me he loves me but its like theres another part of him thats secret from me. I hope you come back.
Anonymous on 17 September 2008 at 4:34pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
well, i even feel like that too. my guy is a guy who i'm engaged to. he plans to marry me. he tells me he is worried i'll leave him but every time i hear that i constantly remind him i won't. he looks at porn when i don't want him to. when i'm not in the mood to like allow him. i told him too that i'll let him look at it with me. well one day, i just came out of the shower and i saw him on camfrog looking at girls. one he said was his friend and i looked and she was showing her parts on cam. he said 'wow' and i said 'wow?' and then he said "i've never knew she did that stuff" and then he started a fight and then he clicked off as it's my fault and blamed me more after that. i was just telling him, "i just came out of the shower, do you think i want to look at another's girls' parts?" and i've been feeling weird lately. don't know if it's pregnancy, anxiety, or what... and this time of my life i'm starting to give up caring. cuz everybody treats me poorly. i can't rely on any one because everyone around me picks on me, makes me feel bad... and him doing porn is not helping me get on the normal track.. i feel like i'm leaning to giving up with my life... everything i do doesn't work the way i planned originally.
so, back to Tina's statements, well i'd be prepared to look at porn with my boyfriend too. what you said originally... this morning my boyfriend thought i went back to sleep right away and i'm not like that, i thought he knew me. but he went to his porn site and he left to wash up.. i was thinking about asking "are you warshing up after orgasm?" him and i didn't do anything this morning... i was still lying in bed. he went on his computer first to check his mail then he went to porn right away after email. he left and i went to see what he's doing on here cuz i've been curious since i caught him masturbating to online porn once and i saw many sites on history on his computer.. lemme know if there is a neater way to find out... well, i saw my boyfriend was in the middle of a video of a girl only. i admit i do porn online to sometimes cuz only i seen he did it either caught him or found out through history. but gosh, i told him this morning, it's not like i do it every day, it's like he's addicted... i suggest u check out google and search about internet porn addiction, esp. symptoms. mine got angry at me for telling him not to look at the porn. i told him before with me he could. but it's like i am not able to trust him. i want to, i have all along... tried so hard... and also, lately he doesn't show that he cares for my feelings anymore, feelings or thoughts. he said that i ruined his work day for telling him i didn't like him on porn this morning. i was like, "your porn only makes you happy and ready for work, and i can't?"
i don't want to leave him though, i am starting to believe it's my poor decision i made that i must pay for, i guess many american guys are all like that. i can't imagine myself being single, i don't want to be single. i don't want to be those girls who go from guy to guy, yeah he was my first man.. like, you know... Tina, have any tips on how to deal with this issue yet? i'll see if i can help more too.
Jenny (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 01 October 2008 at 4:34pm said...
We’ve noticed that this section of the ‘Talk it Out’ part of the couple connection has raised some worrying issues for several contributors. We know that some people can find themselves addicted to porn which they find so easily accessible on the internet. Something to think about might be ‘Is this person actually feeling unhappy about some aspect of their life which they find unable to talk about with their partner?’ Unfortunately, because of the nature of the material being looked at, their partner often feels shut out and devalued, unattractive, etc. They may find it difficult to have a conversation with their partner because of their own very strong feelings about what is going on. It may not be an issue with a partner which has brought on this addictive behaviour; it could be stress at work, including being bullied by a boss for example, or feelings of sexual inadequacy, or an inability to say what they want in their sexual relationship. There may be some long term problem which goes right back into childhood, resulting for example, from being sexually abused. It’s difficult for the ‘non-addicted’ partner to help often, because even if they sympathetically try to find out what’s wrong, the ‘addicted’ person denies that there is a problem. It would be interesting to hear from anyone who has tried to help their partner by ‘talking it out’ and perhaps what worked for them…….
Anonymous on 24 October 2008 at 10:36pm said...
Hi Tina,
I feel with you. I've recently come into the same issue with my boyfriend. I love him dearly, but after finding out that he frequents porn online, I feel like my mind is poisioning our relationship. I talked about it with him, but I'm horribly passive and I told him it was okay that he did that. I suppose at the time it did seem okay, but after about a week of thinking about it, it's really not. I feel absolutely horrible; insecure, ashamed, like I'm not satifying him. I've spoken to two of my male friends, one says that it's okay for men to look at porn when they're single, but not in a relationship, the other says that he's probably just bored of me. I'd be open to watching it with him, but I don't think he'd be so down with that. I guess my problem is, why would a man need to see strangers having sex when he has a girl next to him that's completely open to having real sex? Compared to past relationships, there is far less sex happening then what I'm used to, but then again this is a longer relationship then any in my past. He once told me that a man can only come once or twice a day (which I know from experience is nowhere near the truth), that being said, if we go without sex for four or so days, I know that he's getting off to porn, while I'm not getting off at all and growing increasingly bitter. I honestly feel like I've been cheated on, and I'm afraid that in the long run it will destroy our relationship. I'm going to have to talk to him about it, but I'm very non-confrontational and I'm afraid I'll just end up being passive aggressive again, telling him it's okay, but letting it still get to me.
Geez, what's a girl to do? This technological world has its ways of making things easier and harder at the same time.
Hope everything worked out for you.
-E
Anonymous on 27 October 2008 at 3:41pm said...
Get over it. You are not the most beautiful woman in the world and you are an old news for him. Do not be jealous, it is not adultery, he is not going to move in to any of the actresses. By watching others, he will get excited and have a marvelous sex with you. If it makes him more inclined to have a sex with you - enjoy it. If you know what is good for you watch it together. If it does not interest you - sit down on the floor and caress him. You will be a winner.
Anonymous on 16 December 2008 at 4:58pm said...
Me and my fiance have been a couple since april 2005, we were also friends for four years before hand.
Things were great, funny, worry free, argued less and could even watch porn together. Then our gorgeous boy was born, he was great and the best thing that had ever happened to me. my partner was trying to be the best mum to him like any new mother. this made her tired and was still sore from having our boy so sex was off the cards.
one day my partner went to have an afternoon nap she was tired and needed a rest, i was horny and sex was a no-no. soon after she went to bed i started looking over the internet for things to get off to. Its probably perverted but i always took masturbation for granted, whenever i was'nt getting any as such(without meaning to be rude) i jacked one off. and when single all the time and i mean at least daily.
The problem was i assumed it was ok when my partner felt like shit and hated her body, she was also still tender after our boy.
I got caught, she came down while i was loooking at pics saying she wasnt tired. She went off the wall into pieces. by the end of all the shouting and crying she asked me not to do it again. What did this idiot go and do? I went and did it again!
the next time i was looking on my space looking up an old female freind and searched against her name, got a load of pic profiles and started searching on my way through them came across a pic where the girl was only in her underwear, i clicked on it and then my partner came downstairs and off we went again. it was even worse this time and i could really see this was hurting her a lot she thought i was not happy with her and wanted somebody else well i must do if i go and do this to her looking at all those women. I did'nt see it like that, i was just getting off. and the last time was a page three model after that my partner pretty much felt the worst she has ever felt about herself and it was down to my pervertedness and thoughtless attitude.
We love each other so much and this issue is still affecting us two years on its wasnt what i was doing, it the fact that she asked me not to do it and i still went ahead and did it, now my partner worries about every woman half dressed. there is always someone half/ fully naked on tv and she doesnt know what im thinking.
how did you get through it?, have things got better with time?
littlemissconfused on 01 January 2009 at 12:36pm said...
same prob. When i got pregnant with my daughter my partner said it didnt feel right having sex whilst pregnant so he used the internet i was upset at that but accepted it. however this has carried on four years even when we had sex regularly and it was always good he said he still did it. it made me feel like crap, and that he didnt want me and i wernt good enough and i couldnt provide him with what he wanted. Then in the last year or so I found he wasnt just looking at the usually couple sex or females it was shemales, transvestites, pregnant women you name it. it made me physically sick im so bitter towards him now i carnt forgive him anymore why should i. i tried harder to please him but he didnt try for me.
Anonymous on 06 February 2009 at 12:27pm said...
I'm in a committed relationship of three years. We have kids. My partner has used porn since he was a teenager. We have sex on average about once or twice a month. None of his previous girlfriends have ever had a problem with it. I'm on antidepressents. Feel so damn low and cry a lot. My self esteem is shot. I try to tell him that it makes me feel like he doesn't love me and that I can't compare to porn. I don't belive in him any more. He assures me repeatedly that he loves me and that porn is just fantasy, that they are not real. That I am the only woman for him. He doesn't get it. I don't want to end our relationship, he's actually a really great guy. I feel stupid ending the relationship because he watches porn and perves off women. Really stupid, it's like it's not a real reason to break up a family, but I can't get happy again, or even just normal and enjoy my life and kids and him.
Anonymous on 11 February 2009 at 8:31pm said...
I have he same problem minus the kids bit. My boyfriend watches porn online, when i ask him about it he doesn't want to talk about it. I tried it out myself to try and understand. My problem isn't the porn it's that he knows it makes me upset and insecure and he still won't stop. I have come to the conclusion that i am going to have to break up with him for my own sanity. I've spent three years with him and i'm still in love with him. I'm furious that i'm in this position! But i think if i stay with him i am always going to wonder whats wrong with me that I can't satisfy my partner. Should i give him one last chance?
Anonymous on 01 March 2009 at 12:12pm said...
Oh man, I thought I was the only one that was going insane over this issue, I'm happy to see that my feeling of loath and anger are normal, sad to see this issue a huge problem in relationships.
This started for me last year. I have been with him for 3 years and we are great together, really great. I was looking on line last year and I came across his history, wow, I was shocked when I saw the porn sites. I didn't say anything to him, I would just check the sites and noticed that he was doing it when I wasn't home, obviously right.I didn't mind it too much, just a guy thing right, confident in myself as a woman, and what I could offer mentally, emtionally and sexually in our relationship. So I just left it and thought nothing of it....well..then it turned to him doing it more than a couple of times a week and on the days after we have sex. Now this pissed me off...why? We are both sexual people, we have sex anywhere between 2-5 times a week...if we are doing it that much, why is he still watching this?
I pondered, and analyzed, and got angry, then I though why not start doing some of the stuff that is on the internet. So I did. And the result? Well it was great, it was hot, it was awesome control, it was mind blowing sex. Here he has a wife that would do these things that he fantazies about...I was satsified, yes I admit I was. We even started watching porn together and role playing, and costumes. Our sex life has really turned up since I opened up about it, he's happy, I'm happy, or am I?
I admit that what we do in private is a turn on to me, and I can see how much it turns him on, I love how we are open and the trust is there to talk about what we want and there is no judgement, and how we can share this together, but...yes there's a but....he still watches it....alone.....and that bothers me.
I don't understand it. I confronted him and simply asked him why he watches this, he said he's missing me and watches it, bullshit! I told him how I love doing this together, why does he have to watch it the day after, or a few times a week, I have caught him lying about watching it...and that just makes me not trust him, what else is he lying about?What else is he doing when I'm not there.
So I have taken something that was hurting me, I opened up and envoked it into our relationship, and in the end I am still hurting..I often ask myself why I still let it in the relationship, the answer is, I do like watching it, playing the role, hearing his fantasies, sharing this with him, it's a huge turn on for us both. But what I don't like is the alone viewing of the movies we bought together and him lying about it.
I think about it all the time, it's poision in the relationship to think why is he lying, what is he doing, I can't shut it off, I secretly question everything, everything he says and does. I know he lvoes me, I feel he loves me, I see he loves me, but this is hurting me and I don't know what to do.
I often have the most rediculous arguments in my head about this issue, and I find it's poisioning us. Some days it's there full fledged like a virus eating it's way through me, other days I'm not so bothered by it. Hell, I feel like I am 2 people split in have sometimes.
Anonymous on 18 March 2009 at 6:56pm said...
Unbelievable this issue! I am like so many of the above - I have a husband who is fabulous in every way - except the porn...
We have been married for 23 years - he consistenly shows me every kind of consideration - makes me fabulous breakfasts on the weekend, makes sure I have gas in my car, flew me to Europe last week to join him on a business trip to Paris (yah!! how great is that?), invites me to lunch once a week - we have sex 3 times/week minimum - We are both very intelligent. He tells me he is so lucky to have me; seems to loves my body, brings me to exclusive work functions when no other wife is brought is...I am mid-forrties but luckily have some great 'easy to stay ripped' genes - have never been in doubt as to my attractvieness per comments I get from men even at the grocery store -
So what's wrong? With me? With our marraige? What about the porn???? It is a poison; a trust breaker...I don't like it. I lose weight ansd sometimes sleep and have a private detective mindset whenever he is gone - it maks me wonder what else he thinks is harmless? What else he does when I am not there...?
Having said that - I also think that is pretty unfair to him - becasue I still think (unfrotunately) there really is a DNA difference that most of us women will never understand - I honestly don't think the guys see it the way gals do -I don't think they think about the content of the porn for more than a second - they almost use it as a stree-reliever from what I can tell... Let's face it - have you ever watched porn? It is so hot.... for about 45 seconds - it looses its appeal very quickly - probably the guys that view it often I bet do so for short periods and then move on like women read a recipe! -It just isn't as big a deal in their heads as it is in ours... we are wired for one prize guy - guys are wired to keep the species going - we all know that sad truth -
My mental auguements have me trying to be practical and strong - (and it isn't easy nor is it consistent - some days I am strong other I want to crumble!) - But if you are in a relationship where you love this person; this person is seemingly stand-up in most ways; this person otherwise treats you with respect; you enjoy each others company...well you really have to think long and hard about giving that all up for something that isn't viewed the same way.. We have to try hard to understand and ultimately accept this issue - Let's face it - we are all on earth for so short a time - would you want someone to tell you you couldn't do something you enjoyed especially if it were misconstreued? We really should try to give the give the guys a break! Be honest with yourself, have confidence in yourself and don't waste you precious time here on earth (with your great guy!) worrying about something that isn't the same in their heads...It isn't easy to maintain that attitiude but the other course is very destructive and actaully maybe even silly if the rest of the relationship is good - furthermore - apparently it is so prevelent that I doubt you will ever find a guy ( who isn't gay) (and I must admit I might ever prefer knowing he likes porn rather then other men!) that isn't into porn at some point - Try to be happy and try not to let the poison ruin the reamining 90% good stuff - good luck to all of us - it isn't easy.....
Anonymous on 18 March 2009 at 6:58pm said...
(I apologize for any type-o (s) in my last comment - called me spoiled by spellcheck!)
Anonymous on 18 March 2009 at 7:42pm said...
My wife told me the 2 weeks ago she wanted to separate.She says she has had enough of me ,and dosent love me ,isnt just me ,is her aswell shes just turned 40.We have been married 17 years, and have too children 17 and 15yrs old.I admit i havent been the best father and husband just used to focus on my home making money and stressed most of the time .so i may of caused feelings in the home whan i was around and any little problem arose i got angry etc,nothing to the extent of violence or any thing.Now she is sleeping downstairs and im upstairs.Everytime we speak she looks at me with no love,and hardned.Impretty sure she hasnt seen anyone else.I big thing is that last year i told her i watched porn.What a mistake that was she blew a fit ,we got back together but she hasnt got over it as she thlnks im at it again. Shes had enough.My life has broken down i had 25k left on my morgage ,now she wants out. stop you could imagine whats now half the house etc, if i live here and i buy her out imagine seeing my wife and kids pack ther bags ,and me left in the house all alone, seeing the empty rooms and furniture gone.She said she would be happy if i bought her out but we cant agree on much yet we just keep on argueing.She dosent want any marrige guidance and said she has tryed with me over the years many times and thats it over.I just cant believe it single again, im 39 by the way my wifes 40 few days ago.Going back to the porn issue,she said from then i had 6 months to change.During the first three were ok but we slowly drifted again and a few weeks ago i spose we havnt been as close recently ,so one day ilast week i was in a mood. bang... i want separation ,ive had enough youve ben on the porn again ,ive found a tissue in the bin she said . I can tell you she made a mistake with the tissue ,,but i cant blame her .as i confessed to her 6 months ago i watched porn.What a mess im in.So hard living under same roof with the person you loved and was a friend,now a person that wants out ,and is waiting to go .dosent love you ,and wants to take kids away,and ill be 60k more in debt,single, alone,ive never been alone in 20yrs.My family was all i worked for
Anonymous on 18 March 2009 at 7:42pm said...
My wife told me the 2 weeks ago she wanted to separate.She says she has had enough of me ,and dosent love me ,isnt just me ,is her aswell shes just turned 40.We have been married 17 years, and have too children 17 and 15yrs old.I admit i havent been the best father and husband just used to focus on my home making money and stressed most of the time .so i may of caused feelings in the home whan i was around and any little problem arose i got angry etc,nothing to the extent of violence or any thing.Now she is sleeping downstairs and im upstairs.Everytime we speak she looks at me with no love,and hardned.Impretty sure she hasnt seen anyone else.I big thing is that last year i told her i watched porn.What a mistake that was she blew a fit ,we got back together but she hasnt got over it as she thlnks im at it again. Shes had enough.My life has broken down i had 25k left on my morgage ,now she wants out. stop you could imagine whats now half the house etc, if i live here and i buy her out imagine seeing my wife and kids pack ther bags ,and me left in the house all alone, seeing the empty rooms and furniture gone.She said she would be happy if i bought her out but we cant agree on much yet we just keep on argueing.She dosent want any marrige guidance and said she has tryed with me over the years many times and thats it over.I just cant believe it single again, im 39 by the way my wifes 40 few days ago.Going back to the porn issue,she said from then i had 6 months to change.During the first three were ok but we slowly drifted again and a few weeks ago i spose we havnt been as close recently ,so one day ilast week i was in a mood. bang... i want separation ,ive had enough youve ben on the porn again ,ive found a tissue in the bin she said . I can tell you she made a mistake with the tissue ,,but i cant blame her .as i confessed to her 6 months ago i watched porn.What a mess im in.So hard living under same roof with the person you loved and was a friend,now a person that wants out ,and is waiting to go .dosent love you ,and wants to take kids away,and ill be 60k more in debt,single, alone,ive never been alone in 20yrs.My family was all i worked for
Anonymous on 27 March 2009 at 12:57am said...
Well, I am in a relationship ...and well..my boyfriend is wonderful in every way and I don't think is surfs the net for porn. However, his choice of movies he calls "great" ALWAYS involves nudity. Also, he has these 'single pervert friends' (SINGLE) and they ALWAYS send him crap through e-mail and his phone.
The issue is that well, I please him often and we have sex often which is satisfying, however, he HARDLY EVER makes effort to 'please me.' Yet, I look on his computer - girl on girl, boobs..lots of boobs, people having sex, women playing with themselves. There were times I KNOW he was looking then's like 'im horny." Well, I am older then him and definitely not a troll (have been told am hot but....through a past marriage probably carry demons somewhere that prevent me from seeing this truly.) There are days that I feel great.
Now, when he looks at these it's always 'in secret.' Like I tried to watch porn with him (even tho with my past marriage it became such an issue that I felt that my ex HAD to have it.) Yet, I still felt like well - it's about him only. Like he cannot see that this makes me feel inadequate, unattractive, not desireable..etc. I DO NOT BELIEVE well - let him get his rocks off to someone else - after all he's WITH you. I don't believe that as I KNOW there ARE men who would NOT NEED IT. They would be WITH ME and that's it. This may be less common but does exist.
So I ask - what is the deal of being secret? I don't get it. Honestly, we have been together over two years and well, I want to accept it as I love him but I am not sure as it makes me feel so inferior. Oh, and I am a Scorpio so, yeah, I will be investigative, passive agressive, but I am a very very sexual person and like to please and he gets well take care of so I just don't get it. Honestly - it just would be different if I felt like I was an object of his desire (as he does tell me am sexy etc.)
Honestly - I am at the point where I am going to get a laptop, take and scour the net for the most GOREGOUS men, both clothed and naked and have them plastered all over my stuff. Then look at them for a while then tell him I am really horny. Maybe if he feels that he wasn't the one that brought me there or am using for those feelings - maybe then theyll get it. (yes - I can be ..fair is fair) So my big question - wouldn't that both MEN if this is what we did ALL the time (or even SOME times????)
Anonymous on 29 March 2009 at 6:29pm said...
Honestly - I am at the point where I am going to get a laptop, take and scour the net for the most GOREGOUS men, both clothed and naked and have them plastered all over my stuff. Then look at them for a while then tell him I am really horny. Maybe if he feels that he wasn't the one that brought me there or am using for those feelings - maybe then theyll get it. (yes - I can be ..fair is fair) So my big question - wouldn't that both MEN if this is what we did ALL the time (or even SOME times????)
Yes he would feel the same way...unless somehow he was disconnected to the whole love and sex thing and get turned on that you were excited not about him personally but only as some object to use and get off. good analogy...turn it around...it is though a reality that the true inner issues of anothers mental difficulties have anything to do with you personally. Just asking why is he doing this is an indication it has nothing to do with you. Telling him or showing him how it makes you feel and what you will be like thinking this way is a better tool of communication.
Anonymous on 03 April 2009 at 11:06pm said...
I have left my partner recently due to his use of internet porn. I am seven months pregnant and we already have a little boy together. This has been going on since the early days of our relationship and no matter how upset or angry I have been or how much I told him that his lying and constant looking at pornographic websites has damaged our relationship he continued on regardless. A week after I left the house he was still at it and I simply took the internet connection away as I was paying fro it anyway. He simply got another connection in but kept lying about its existence and tried to make out I was 'paranoid'....... he got caught out in the end of course. Its not the porn, its the associated lying that gets to me most. I am so pissed off with him that I have decided not to move back in together as its not worth the ongoing hassle when someone won't admit they have a problem. If porn is causing friction and arguments and poisoning your relationship then you need to face up to it I say. I am no prude and would say I'm probably more experienced than he will ever be sexually. However, when we were together I got the feeling his mind was elsewhere and that made sex feel empty to me....... thats a sad place to be at the end of the day. I have no idea what the right approach is when porn in pervading your relationship. There sure seems to be a lot of people having the same problems all over the world. I figure it depends how the rest of the relationship is going. Mine wasn;t going great on several fronts and now I'm not sure if the porn caused the other problems as I was so angry and felt ugly all the time - or was the porn a symptom of our problems....it just fades into one at this stage. Good luck to anyone dealing with this issue. My head is totally wrecked from it. The next guy I get involved with I hope we can share porn together and that it will not be a 'giant elephant' between us as it has been in this relationship.
Anonymous on 05 April 2009 at 11:52pm said...
Wow...seven months pregnant....you have good boundries....I like your style
Anonymous on 10 May 2009 at 1:13pm said...
i just came out of relationship he was gettin off on trannies online had 4 different email accounts wen i caught him last yr he promised to stop... we have 2 kids sex was almost non-existant... he actully made me feel worthless if i asked for sex or hinted at it he was too tired, not in the mood etc.... yet n all most nites he didnt even come up to bed until 3am as he was on the lap top wonder wat he was at????.... any way caught him out again at the same stuff he tried to tell me i was paranoid, jealous, it was all in my head and so on he actually convinced me that it was all me and he was fine and i was lucky he stays with me for all the nagging i do about "stuff i was makin up"... last time i caught him out i smashed up his lap top told him to pack his bags and 3 months later i'm happier than ever and so proud of myself that iv got up n got on with it... oh yea our weddin was booked for nxt yr 4 n half yrs we were together and over them yrs he grinded me down makin me think i was a paranoid wreck i now realise how lucky i am to get rid of him..apart from the porn and lack of sex he was lovely but wit the porn came lies and decite and yes i class wat he was doin was cheatin it turned him into a liar and very nasty wen he was confronted and tried to turn it to me... any one going thru this my advice is get rid mr right is out there dont give these type of loosers your love they dont deserve it... we all desereve some one who loves us as much as we love them....
Anonymous on 11 May 2009 at 7:28pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
I have had an ongoing issue with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. He lies about the porn sites and that is was upset me, the lying. I don't know if anyone has heard of (name of website deleted by a member of the Talk it Out Team as contravenes para 3.1.7 of the Terms and Conditions of use of the site), but it is not a good one! It is a website for people who are in relationships looking to cheat descretely with other people in relationships. My I went on my boyfriends computer and looked at his history and that website was on there. We got into a huge fight and he finally copped to having an account on it but said it was only to check the website out because he wanted to see what it was about and you can only view the site if you have a profile set up. Well its been 2 months later and ive tried to beleive and forgive which has been so hard. He promised me no more porn sites and left his computer to be accessible fo me to view any time i wanted. Well, two days ago curiousity killed the cat and I went to his history and what do you think was on there?!?! Porn porn porn wed, thurs, fri. I text him that he obviously did not keep his promise and he lied and said that he had not looked at any porn sites and that those sites were pop ups, ha ha ha he thinks i am that dumb! I told him I went to his history viewed and it broke it down week by week and he still wont admit to it. The porn has put a great damper on our relationship because he can't be honest. I love him but im starting to hate him more and more and i feel lost, alone and betrayed. I dont know what to do any more, do i forgive him and wait for him to most likely lie to me again or leave now while i have a bit of diginity left?!?!?
Anonymous on 12 May 2009 at 2:34am said...
I just don't understand the purpose of marriage anymore if men are "hardwired" for this seed spreading business we're all supposed to buy into. For some reason, I never hear anyone talk about how women are "hardwired" to be totally offended by it, and why no one wants to dance around our egos.
My marriage has pretty much been a joke since the day I got married. We have some great moments, but the pornography and the complimentary gawking at young women out in public is absolutly devestating. We have a beautiful son and another on the way, of which our children are amazing blessings. However, this obsession for "beautiful women" of which he "can't help himself" is just telling me that this marriage, this marriage at least, is senseless and obselete. I'm told continuously that I am loved and nothing is ever intended to hurt me, but I cannot make the logical connection.
I've also been told my body is not adequate, and I was told how dissapointed my husband was, two months after a C section, at my weight gain and lack of subsequent weight loss after the pregnancy. Forget working full time and knocking off graduate school, having the baby, and trying to keep a house together, because apparently those values do not count. Our sex life for about 5 years is limited to once a month, and I've been told in the past that I have to "remind" my husband we need to have more sex.
I'm at a total loss. The topic of seperation and divorce seems to be devestating, and I am told that I seem to be the one with the problems. Perhaps he is right. Is this marriage then? Enjoying the help you get doing the laundry, the occasional laugh out to dinner, father of children, but a lifetime of constant reminding that you will never be adequate? I'm perplexed. Depressed. I have lost all faith and I really don't understand the purpose of marriage anymore.
MagikButton on 12 May 2009 at 9:22pm said...
Oh my god! It's as if I have actually written some of the comments.
My partner of 15 months has always used porn. I had a big big problem with it for all the reasons listed - feeling inadequate, worthless, etc. In november last year we had yet another huge talk about it and he agreed to stop. He lied to me once since then but hasn't looked at it since. That said I STILL think about it all the darn time. We talk about it often and we are very very close. He still fantasises about the things he used to watch and I still have a problem that he doesn't fantasise about me as often as he used to or as often as I do about him.
I am having therapy alone and next week we start couples sexual therapy together. I will pass on any advice I get. I can't see a light to me ever being ok with him watching porn. Some days I think about it so much it drives me berserk. Other days I don't care so much. I know though that it is seeping it's way into other areas of our relationship - resentment on my part in that I resent myself for loathing it and I resent him for liking it. In turn this makes me treat him differently. It's made me insecure in general. Paranoid about other girls, friends, strangers an even celebrity crushes. It's exhausting me. I'm glad this forum exists. I'm no feminist and I'm no prude. We have sex everyday almost and always have. I'm very understanding but this is beyond me. If we hardly ever had sex, I'd get it. I'm a qualified psychologist and a professional artistic nude model and very self confident but I really cannot accept porn use whilst I'm with him.
I hope so much that sexual therapy works.
Thanks all. XxX.
louise4 on 15 December 2009 at 5:08pm said...
hi my partner looks at porn all the time, but he denies it!! i question him about it and he tells me he doesn't look at it. just recently i found his password and login to an amatuer porn site. i have found that he has posted pics of me and him on it. i am not happy about it and i don't like to see myself posted around the internet and obveriously i didnt agree to it. i feel betrayed. the porn bothers me, but the lying gets to me more. i have a serious problem with being paranoid and because he keeps lying i check up on him even more but hate it when find out he has been doing things. when i find things out i go really quite as i find it hard to talk to him because it always ends up in an agruement (he doesn't feel there is anything wrong with it). i feel so alone as i have no-one to talk to about this. i am not that close with my friends since i had my son and i don't see them and i can't talk to me family about. does anyone know what i can do, or shall i just live with it??
DaveAngel on 15 December 2009 at 11:50pm said...
!!!PORN IN RELATIONSHIPS IS DRUG USE AND ADDICTION!!!
(DID THAT GET YOUR ATTENTION YET?)
Seems so many ppl are stuck in definitions and dont know what it all means... whether watching porn is betrayal.
DONT EXPECT TO GET DECENT ADVICE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION FROM PORN ADDICTS! That is like going to a derro and asking how to get off the bottle, or the crack dealer for the same.
Watching porn while married or in a relationship is mental and emotional cheating (same as fantasising about others while f$cking u). If they jerk off then it is physical.
If they are using a webcam and getting off with another girl/guy online, then that is physical even though it is voyeuristic. Dont allow yourslef to be fooled.
That is justifying behaviour which erodes your dignity and self respect and opens u to worse abuses.
Ppl- u have to wake up now and see how u are being betrayed, abused, lied to, or worse, addicted and delusional if u r a user in a relationship.
Draw clear lines and boundaries if u r going to remain sane.
daveangel.
Anonymous on 08 January 2010 at 6:09pm said...
You guys are taking internet porn way too seriously. Im a guy, married, and enjoy watching porn. Guys are visual animals. In other words we are attracted to what we see. And since guys like sex, we certainly love watching attractive people have sex. And thats all there is to it! I dont love my wife any less or any more because of porn. No guy fantasizes about running off with a porn star. We simply like watching the attractive, sexy female body being turned on. It excites us. There is no emotional bond. It is an animal response. I find it humorous that girls can read and enjoy trashy romance novels and see no parallel between their books and porn. One is a visual pleasure...one is emotional (the books). Girls need the story and guys simply need the cliff notes, if even that, and the visual. Can you imagine guys coming on here saying "I can't believe my girlfriend reads trashy romance novels. Is she in love with the character in the book? Is there an emotional bond? Why must she read these things?"
No. In no world does a guy care how many hot studs in a romance novel are having sex with the female characters within. No guy thinks negatively to the fact that these stories turn you on.
So if you need to understand how internet porn turns on guys....simply think of how romance novels turn on you girls. That's the exact same response. Nothing more or less than that.
curiousgirl on 05 February 2010 at 2:05pm said...
V interested to read the above. I'm in a similar situation and wrestling with the, feeling excluded and trying to chill out about it. I agree about the guys being visual thing. I'm interested guys, how would you feel if your woman was using porn, not telling you and not letting you be there when they watch it? Is the secrecy part of the fun? I'm open to porn but my partner doesn't want to share-like they are 2 seperate parts of him. I've tried to initiate a discussion on our sex life but he doesn't find it easy to share his fantasies, which is what makes me sad. I think fear of being shamed may be part of his reluctance. How can I help him feel safe enough to share?He's not able to climax by bj or manual by me and won't masterbate in front of me. I think it's about really trusting and letting go but 7 years in and patiently waiting... Any tips greatfully recieved, specially some male insight!