This post has been edited by a member of the Talk It Out team.
(post retagged)
My husband spends all his spare time viewing porn on the internet. He denies that he has a problem and tries to pretend that he isn't watching it when I come into the room where we've got our computer, but I have checked on the sites visited and so I know what he's been doing. This has gone on now for two years and even though I love him dearly and am worried about his state of mind, I'm beginning to think I can't take any more, What should I do?
Tina
Mark on 25 August 2008 at 9:46am said...
When you say all his time, can you be more specific?
Sounds like he is a highly sexed individual, have you asked him whether his sexual needs are being met within the rel;ationship?
PeeJay on 25 August 2008 at 1:17pm said...
Is watching porm generally a problem in your relationship? I mean is the problem the amount he is watching? The fact he is watching it at all or the fact that he is watching it without you?
As far as I am aware most men (and many couples) watch porn alone or together -so I was just trying to work out what is upsetting you?
Anonymous on 26 August 2008 at 5:48pm said...
I would be prepared to watch the porn with him and have told him so but he doesn't want me to. We have a happy and active sex life but I feel miserable and shut out because he wants to be alone for most of the time and on the internet porn sites.
Tina
justapuppy on 28 August 2008 at 11:49am said...
Hi Tina, it sounds as though you two have talked aboout it a bit together, but have you told him how it makes you feel? How did he react - was he angry / defensive / sad etc.
I wonder if he's using the porn to shut out some of his feelings? Do you know if he's feeling low in other areas of his life?
Anonymous on 30 August 2008 at 1:57pm said...
I'm interested to read what you said Tina. My partner watches porn too, and it makes me feel whats the point, redundant. Our sex life is good too. He cant see what my problem is, says i knew this about him when we got together, thinks its not really different to watching football. I feel relieved a bit just knowing that theres someone out there feeling a bit like me and that I'm not wierd or alone.
Anonymous on 30 August 2008 at 4:46pm said...
sometimes men watch porn cos they feel lonely, not because of you but they have a part of them that is not connected and the porn takes the edge of this feeling. its really a deep yearning for god, that he does not understand and does not really know how to articulate, or soemtimes he may know and feel stupid for talking about god. these are some of my views having worked with men in variety of environments and it may be that he is struggling to find his heart, and what it is telling him about who he really is. no doctor or relationship counsellor can sort this out until he's ready to acknowledge that he is more than a physical being, and its not connected to his emotions.
Anonymous on 31 August 2008 at 9:21am said...
This last post is so helpful. I want to know more. Where can I find out more about what you have explained. How do I get my partner to think something like this? I can kind of imagine what you say, he doesnt believe in god or any thing like that and he tells me he loves me but its like theres another part of him thats secret from me. I hope you come back.
Anonymous on 17 September 2008 at 4:34pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
well, i even feel like that too. my guy is a guy who i'm engaged to. he plans to marry me. he tells me he is worried i'll leave him but every time i hear that i constantly remind him i won't. he looks at porn when i don't want him to. when i'm not in the mood to like allow him. i told him too that i'll let him look at it with me. well one day, i just came out of the shower and i saw him on camfrog looking at girls. one he said was his friend and i looked and she was showing her parts on cam. he said 'wow' and i said 'wow?' and then he said "i've never knew she did that stuff" and then he started a fight and then he clicked off as it's my fault and blamed me more after that. i was just telling him, "i just came out of the shower, do you think i want to look at another's girls' parts?" and i've been feeling weird lately. don't know if it's pregnancy, anxiety, or what... and this time of my life i'm starting to give up caring. cuz everybody treats me poorly. i can't rely on any one because everyone around me picks on me, makes me feel bad... and him doing porn is not helping me get on the normal track.. i feel like i'm leaning to giving up with my life... everything i do doesn't work the way i planned originally.
so, back to Tina's statements, well i'd be prepared to look at porn with my boyfriend too. what you said originally... this morning my boyfriend thought i went back to sleep right away and i'm not like that, i thought he knew me. but he went to his porn site and he left to wash up.. i was thinking about asking "are you warshing up after orgasm?" him and i didn't do anything this morning... i was still lying in bed. he went on his computer first to check his mail then he went to porn right away after email. he left and i went to see what he's doing on here cuz i've been curious since i caught him masturbating to online porn once and i saw many sites on history on his computer.. lemme know if there is a neater way to find out... well, i saw my boyfriend was in the middle of a video of a girl only. i admit i do porn online to sometimes cuz only i seen he did it either caught him or found out through history. but gosh, i told him this morning, it's not like i do it every day, it's like he's addicted... i suggest u check out google and search about internet porn addiction, esp. symptoms. mine got angry at me for telling him not to look at the porn. i told him before with me he could. but it's like i am not able to trust him. i want to, i have all along... tried so hard... and also, lately he doesn't show that he cares for my feelings anymore, feelings or thoughts. he said that i ruined his work day for telling him i didn't like him on porn this morning. i was like, "your porn only makes you happy and ready for work, and i can't?"
i don't want to leave him though, i am starting to believe it's my poor decision i made that i must pay for, i guess many american guys are all like that. i can't imagine myself being single, i don't want to be single. i don't want to be those girls who go from guy to guy, yeah he was my first man.. like, you know... Tina, have any tips on how to deal with this issue yet? i'll see if i can help more too.
Jenny (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 01 October 2008 at 4:34pm said...
We’ve noticed that this section of the ‘Talk it Out’ part of the couple connection has raised some worrying issues for several contributors. We know that some people can find themselves addicted to porn which they find so easily accessible on the internet. Something to think about might be ‘Is this person actually feeling unhappy about some aspect of their life which they find unable to talk about with their partner?’ Unfortunately, because of the nature of the material being looked at, their partner often feels shut out and devalued, unattractive, etc. They may find it difficult to have a conversation with their partner because of their own very strong feelings about what is going on. It may not be an issue with a partner which has brought on this addictive behaviour; it could be stress at work, including being bullied by a boss for example, or feelings of sexual inadequacy, or an inability to say what they want in their sexual relationship. There may be some long term problem which goes right back into childhood, resulting for example, from being sexually abused. It’s difficult for the ‘non-addicted’ partner to help often, because even if they sympathetically try to find out what’s wrong, the ‘addicted’ person denies that there is a problem. It would be interesting to hear from anyone who has tried to help their partner by ‘talking it out’ and perhaps what worked for them…….
Anonymous on 24 October 2008 at 10:36pm said...
Hi Tina,
I feel with you. I've recently come into the same issue with my boyfriend. I love him dearly, but after finding out that he frequents porn online, I feel like my mind is poisioning our relationship. I talked about it with him, but I'm horribly passive and I told him it was okay that he did that. I suppose at the time it did seem okay, but after about a week of thinking about it, it's really not. I feel absolutely horrible; insecure, ashamed, like I'm not satifying him. I've spoken to two of my male friends, one says that it's okay for men to look at porn when they're single, but not in a relationship, the other says that he's probably just bored of me. I'd be open to watching it with him, but I don't think he'd be so down with that. I guess my problem is, why would a man need to see strangers having sex when he has a girl next to him that's completely open to having real sex? Compared to past relationships, there is far less sex happening then what I'm used to, but then again this is a longer relationship then any in my past. He once told me that a man can only come once or twice a day (which I know from experience is nowhere near the truth), that being said, if we go without sex for four or so days, I know that he's getting off to porn, while I'm not getting off at all and growing increasingly bitter. I honestly feel like I've been cheated on, and I'm afraid that in the long run it will destroy our relationship. I'm going to have to talk to him about it, but I'm very non-confrontational and I'm afraid I'll just end up being passive aggressive again, telling him it's okay, but letting it still get to me.
Geez, what's a girl to do? This technological world has its ways of making things easier and harder at the same time.
Hope everything worked out for you.
-E
Anonymous on 27 October 2008 at 3:41pm said...
Get over it. You are not the most beautiful woman in the world and you are an old news for him. Do not be jealous, it is not adultery, he is not going to move in to any of the actresses. By watching others, he will get excited and have a marvelous sex with you. If it makes him more inclined to have a sex with you - enjoy it. If you know what is good for you watch it together. If it does not interest you - sit down on the floor and caress him. You will be a winner.
Anonymous on 16 December 2008 at 4:58pm said...
Me and my fiance have been a couple since april 2005, we were also friends for four years before hand.
Things were great, funny, worry free, argued less and could even watch porn together. Then our gorgeous boy was born, he was great and the best thing that had ever happened to me. my partner was trying to be the best mum to him like any new mother. this made her tired and was still sore from having our boy so sex was off the cards.
one day my partner went to have an afternoon nap she was tired and needed a rest, i was horny and sex was a no-no. soon after she went to bed i started looking over the internet for things to get off to. Its probably perverted but i always took masturbation for granted, whenever i was'nt getting any as such(without meaning to be rude) i jacked one off. and when single all the time and i mean at least daily.
The problem was i assumed it was ok when my partner felt like shit and hated her body, she was also still tender after our boy.
I got caught, she came down while i was loooking at pics saying she wasnt tired. She went off the wall into pieces. by the end of all the shouting and crying she asked me not to do it again. What did this idiot go and do? I went and did it again!
the next time i was looking on my space looking up an old female freind and searched against her name, got a load of pic profiles and started searching on my way through them came across a pic where the girl was only in her underwear, i clicked on it and then my partner came downstairs and off we went again. it was even worse this time and i could really see this was hurting her a lot she thought i was not happy with her and wanted somebody else well i must do if i go and do this to her looking at all those women. I did'nt see it like that, i was just getting off. and the last time was a page three model after that my partner pretty much felt the worst she has ever felt about herself and it was down to my pervertedness and thoughtless attitude.
We love each other so much and this issue is still affecting us two years on its wasnt what i was doing, it the fact that she asked me not to do it and i still went ahead and did it, now my partner worries about every woman half dressed. there is always someone half/ fully naked on tv and she doesnt know what im thinking.
how did you get through it?, have things got better with time?
littlemissconfused on 01 January 2009 at 12:36pm said...
same prob. When i got pregnant with my daughter my partner said it didnt feel right having sex whilst pregnant so he used the internet i was upset at that but accepted it. however this has carried on four years even when we had sex regularly and it was always good he said he still did it. it made me feel like crap, and that he didnt want me and i wernt good enough and i couldnt provide him with what he wanted. Then in the last year or so I found he wasnt just looking at the usually couple sex or females it was shemales, transvestites, pregnant women you name it. it made me physically sick im so bitter towards him now i carnt forgive him anymore why should i. i tried harder to please him but he didnt try for me.