If you read my last posting you will see where it was left.
Last Saturday I managed to log into an email account I never knew my husband had. I changed the password and started reading it. To say it knocked me for six is a massive understatement.
Briefly my last update was that my husband and I were going to relate as I had found out that since my youngest daughter had her major head surgery last April my husband had been talking to a friend of mine behind my back and meeting her for coffee sometimes. I found this out on holiday in August. He promised to stop and was genuinely sorry at the time as I was so hurt. He said he had no-one to talk to which he doesn't. She on the other hand is a man predator! She was manipulating his vulnerability and using it to try and sleep with him.
Anyway it turns out my husband had still been getting these emails from my "Ex" friend! He had been replying. It was nothing heavy her asking how we all were etc. He though had promised me there was no contact at all, He sat in relate and promised me. Little did I know tht he had also been e-mailing someone off facebook and talking sexual stuff with her.
About 3 weeks ago I was starting to get angry again during relate as I felt he was still lying. Well he was. Not only had he been still keeping in contact with my "Ex" friend but the filth that was exchanged between him and this woman was just disgusting. She had sent him a topless picture and he denies sending her a picture.
I have been crying my eyes out and am devastated. I copied alot of the mails and saved them as at the time I was shaking uncontrollably.
He has been clearly upset about all this he has been crying when I do. He has promised to be an excellent husband from now on. We had neglected each other since the birth of our youngest who has serious medical issues and may die.
Where can we go from this? I love him so much and we have started to be much more caring and loving towards each other but I cannot get the wrods he said to the woman out of my head. I cannot get the fact that he was still lying during our relate sessions out of my head. How do I know if we have problems again he won't do this again? Should I e-mail her husband and tell him?
I feel like I am the hurt battered one and everyone else has got away scot free.
They had talked about meeting up, but not sure if they have. My head is aching. Earlier on in the week I had suicidal thoughts something like that has never happened to me. I just couldnt see a way out. My husband took 3 days off work to be with me. He has changed his mobile number as I asked him to and we are getting rid of the e-mail addresses,
Please help!
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missrosy on 27 November 2008 at 4:57pm said...
I forgot to say that when I confronted my husband about all this he went on his laptop and quickly deleted alot of the mails, probably the worst ones! He was also getting off on the emails if you get what I mean!
Thanks
Jenny (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 27 November 2008 at 6:26pm said...
Dear missrosy, It sounds as though you are feeling very hurt and upset about this situation. You could bring up at your next Relate session how desperate you are feeling and what you need from your husband to be able to trust him again; for example the two of you might need to make an agreement about actions he will take around texts, emails etc in the future.
In the meantime, just to remind you the Samaritans are always there if you urgently need to talk to someone (see www.samaritans.org.uk). Also, you have said that whenever you and your husband try to talk about your little daughter, you stop talking because he starts crying - in situations like this, often the person who keeps crying feels guilty about their feelings and so bottles them up. It can be very helpful if they are encouraged to be really honest and open about their feelings, including how they feel about the crying itself - how would you feel about giving your husband this sort of encouragement?
Anonymous on 28 November 2008 at 3:52pm said...
Hi missrosy,
Wow, how stupid has he been?!? My overwhelming feeling reading is your post is that although the easy way out is divorce and just to try to sever all feelings you have with him, actually that might be the worst thing.
I think he's made massive mistakes, but actually at the core, he's pretty messed up, and has messed up because of that.
You still love him from the sound of it, so maybe it's worth trying as much as you can to keep on the tracks. It's like you've come to a crisis point, without either of you realising it, and now you've got to face years of not supporting each other.
Sending you hugs and bags of support!
Anonymous on 28 November 2008 at 4:04pm said...
PS. Jenny's right about the Samaritans, can be a good place when you're feeling desperate, or even just feeling low. You don't have to be suicidal to call, they just listen to how you're doing and can be a shoulder to cry on
missrosy on 15 December 2008 at 10:44am said...
Well the update is as follows.....
He had sent her a picture of his "Bits". I am so so shocked about this. This is not like him. He is quite shy and private when it comes to things like that, or so I thought!
We are still going to relate. 13 weeks now. It is helping but I am just feeling so distraught I don't know how to move on at all. I copied the emails and keep reading them. I know I should delete them all now, but it wouldn't make much difference really as I could recite them from memory. The words go round and round in my head all day. My heart is breaking all over again, how much more can I take.
I emailed the online woman and she apologised several times. It doesn't help though. She assured me they would never of met. After reading the mails though it seems they may of in September. My husband said he didn't but they had arranged to!!!!
When I initially found out about this online one I thought he was just loving the attention, but the more I read the mails the more I realised it was so much more than that. She knew personal stuff that may sound trivial but it's what is important and nice in relationships. She knew what make tea he drank, she knew he had been in the army, she knew about our sick daughter, she knew he had hurt his ankle running, she knew one of his turn ons was a women washing up so she referred to that all the time. It sort of felt like our relationship was being played out with him and another women.
In the past we have had sex while I washing up, just a bit of fun but of course I now don't want to do that ever again. That was ours and she has robbed it from us and he has allowed that to happen with no loyalty or thought for me at all.
It is definately all the personal stuff that has upset me the most. If he had just talked "Dirty" then it would be a bit easier. He has admitted to masturbating to some of her e-mail's. That is sexual betrayal surely???? I had put off my appt for my smear and they were discussing that and she was judging me for it!
The main problem I have with all this is that while we were going to relate promising we were being HONEST my husband was doing this online with this woman and still in contact with my ex friend! How can I ever trust him again?
My husband refuses to admit that it was an affair. To me he had an emitonal affair with two women that very nearly became full blown sexual affairs.
Another problem is I am trying subconciously to create what "THEY" wanted to do. For example she wanted to have a bath with him. I suggested this to my husband and all he could say was our bath wasnt big enough. This is making me feel so rejected all over again and I feel like a slut. I don't know why I am doing it as I am just hurting myself. He is also saying some words that he uses and I instantly remember him using those words with her. He also used words that I had never heard him say before.
The ex friend has still been emailing him sending him a merry xmas message the other day. I said that was enough now and he emailed them both to try and rectify what he had done and told them I was a good person not the thing's he had said about me. We have now shut the email account that he was using. He thinks this will make it all ok. I on the other hand cannot forget, or forgive, and I am the one left feeling hurt and even dirty if I am honest. The online one has said yesterday that she will not be telling her husband!
Xo it is me that has to carry everything now and everyone else involved get's away with it!
Sorry for going on,
x
DJHU on 15 December 2008 at 9:28pm said...
Please don't be sorry for going on you have nothing to be sorry for. i feel that it is your husband who should be doing the apologising here not you! i can understand where you are in subconcious attempts to recreate things as have been there myself albeit in a different situation.so don't think bad about yourself for it.What with your daughter being ill you have enough on your plate to think about maybe your husband has done this as a reaction to his own weaknesses as i think that it seems more likely to be for that reason than anything you may have/have not done. Stay strong i hope that things soon improve and that your husband can be more honest/loyal towards you x
missrosy on 16 December 2008 at 8:07am said...
thank you DJHU
xxx
Anonymous on 27 December 2008 at 12:50am said...
Sorry if i sound a bit off, but iv asked other people for advice and they all say forget about her. She left me for some-one else and now she says she always loved me and wont tell me why she doesn't like this lad anymore. I would appreciate any advice you can give, thank you
missrosy on 09 January 2009 at 10:10am said...
I dont really know what to say to you sorry, as I dont understand your situation. If you tell me a bit more I will let you know my opinion
x
Anonymous on 28 March 2009 at 12:41pm said...
Oh I so know how you feel! I found my husband had been doing similar online too. Problem is he doesn't stop! Since finding out all the evidence I'm now unable to trust, so I am, rightly or wrongly, suspicious of most women now. Especially those who won't talk to me online but my husband refuses to delete from his facebook.
Husband doesn't realise he has to earn my trust after what went on.
Anonymous on 04 April 2009 at 10:51pm said...
my partner did the same thing internet sex and filthy pics on his phone of other women not models also he had a couple of phone numbers on his phone as well. its heartbreaking we have had several bust ups but we are ok and he doesn't know i keep track which i feel guilty for. so fae s good he hasn't done it again yet. my heart goes out to yo and hope you sort things out.
unknown on 04 April 2009 at 11:32pm said...
i have just found out that my partner has done the same thing internet sex i read his e mails a few weeks ago and found out and i confronted him about it and he promised to stop i then found out this week that it has still continued. he has said he will stop talking to her but how can i be sure. i am so hurt by this i feel totally betrayed. i also feel the trust has gone in our relationship and i feel guility for doubting him. i just dont understand why he has done it and he has made me feel insecure about myself how can we move on from this any advise
Anonymous on 23 April 2009 at 11:37am said...
Hi missrosy. I understand completely your situation. Please read my post - betrayed more than once, what now?. It's been interesting reading people's advice for you as it has helped me also. I really feel for you. I thought I had a good relationship with my husband, we always said that we were best friends. Now I just feel that every word that he says is a lie! I understand your feelings about feeling dirty - I tried sex in our garden as he'd suggested this with the girl he was texting. Why do we do this? Do we feel it's out fault because they obviously need something that we are not giving them so we try to provide what is missing?? I've thought long and hard about the reasons behind what he does and have come to the conclusion that he has a weakness. He's always been a flirt, but when his 'little brain' takes over he doesn't know when to stop. He's genuinely upset and sorry each time, but all thoughts of that go out of the window when he gets those feelings again. He says he's insecure and needs it to build his self confidence. That's just a cop out in my opinion! To make himself feel better about what he's done. He's destroyed me and I don't know if I will ever get over this. Maybe I'll just learn to live with it! I wish I could help you more. I know what you are going through. I have kids also and one had major spinal surgery a couple of years ago although she is ok now. My thoughts are with you and your family and I send you big hugs xx
Anonymous on 11 May 2009 at 3:19am said...
OMG your letter could have been off me. I found out that the last person in the world i thought would cheat on me had. I have had suspitions for a few months and I snooped in his emails and found an email off a dating agency for married people to have affairs. In 4 months he had talked dirty to 46 women, one he arranged to meet, the day he arranged to meet i was working. He swears blind he never met her but i cant believe a word he says anymore, i feel my marriage is one big lie. I swear when i read the emails he sent, i thought i was going to pass out, i was shaking so much. I later found out by looking at his old emails he had joined a further 6 sites advertising the same thing. He tells me he felt neglected and it boosted his ego! and that he is glad it is out so we can BOTH see where we are going wrong, this really annoyed me. He doesnt see it as cheating or an affair because they never met ( he admits 2 rang him but he told them he wasnt interested-i dont believe that) to me it is an affair because he betrayed me, he talked intermatelly with other women and although he keeps saying he is sorry, i think he is only sorry because he got caught.
I too dont know if i can ever get over this, my confidence is in shatters, i look at women on the train to work and think 'are you one of them?' the words of the emails swim round and round in my head, the dirty pictures they put up swim round in my head, i cry constantly, i feel a wreck. I would rather be dead than go through this. He has tore my world into ribbons.
He used to always say one thing he was proud of was the fact he had never cheated on an ex and that he had been cheated on in the past and would never put anybody through that. I feel he has lulled me into a false sense of security and our marriage was based on lies.
My heart tells me to try and forgive but my head tells me once a cheater, always a cheater. I dont know if i will ever trust him again. I love him but i cannot live feeling paranoid like this, i check his emails ( with his concent) i check his phone, i make him ring me every few hours if he is at work.
Does this ever get better, i feel like im stuck in hole and cannot get out. to make it worse my ex husband had an affair and got a girl pregnant, whilst i was recovering from a hysterectomy at the age of 27. My now husband of 12 years knew all this and really built my confidence up, only to go and knock it flat to the ground. I feel is this me? why do all men cheat on me.
Sorry you are going through this too and i hope there is peace of mind (will there ever be?) for us both.
Jo xxx
Anonymous on 11 May 2009 at 3:20am said...
forgot to say this happened 2 weeks ago x
Anonymous on 28 May 2009 at 7:45pm said...
i am going througha similar problem rt now my husband has been chatting with about three women online cheating he says he never met up with any of them but how can i be to sure about it. he has done this in the past and i stayed with him but now what do i do he says he still wants me in life but how can i be 2 sure. i have kids to think about as well as my own happiness. i have a 15 month old son and twin girls on the way i ama stay at home momplease help i dont know whether to stay or to leave
missrosy on 29 May 2009 at 8:39am said...
my initial reaction is to say to go, but I know that is so easy to say and not so easy to do. My husband and I are still really struggling with this.
There is only one bit of advice I can offer and that would be councelling to help you through it. We started at relate in september and moved onto marriage care a couple of weeks ago. So all these months later we are still getting help.
So he needs to do this:
1. agree to councelling and work hard at it
2. do anything and everything to make it up to you
3. he has to explain to you openly and honestly why he felt he needed to do this, why he stopped and went back to it, what he was missing from you?
you then have a chance of working things through
good luck it is such hard work and very draining emotionally at times, but if you both really love each other it should work.
xxx