anyone please got some tips on how to get my boyfriend of 3 years to talk to me? Sounds rediculous but its drving us apart. over the last 3 weeks we've spent time apart, in order to give each other space but still he says he doesnt know what he wants. - but wont divulge into his thoughts, what hes thinking etc etc.
thank you
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Anonymous on 19 November 2008 at 4:39pm said...
Why do you think he's not talking to you? Do you think he's angry, or thinking about breaking up with you? Can you think of any reason for why he might be doing it? Has he been like this before, or is he normally better at talking?
x
Angela on 21 November 2008 at 9:00pm said...
This is a difficult situation for you. Your partner is choosing not to talk at present for reasons that are known to him. It is only when he is ready that he might choose to share these reasons with you. Perhaps you can take care of you whilst recognising that this is what he needs to do at the moment. You may want to let him know that he matters to you and whether you are prepared to give him some more time to see if he can share with you what is going on for him.
Good luck
Anonymous on 09 December 2008 at 6:58pm said...
Nor does mine and its doing the same thing to us. Well me really as its not just us lovvy dovvy things but financial stuff to. I have tried every way i can think of and what he has suggested and still nothing. He wants to be 'the man' and 'bring home the bacon', but by doing so he is running us emotionally, financially and mentally into the ground. You wait cos he said he will get better and he loves you. And all you find is your waiting and he has forgotten. You remind him, you are nagging. You scream at him, and your the biggest b***ch walking the face of the earth. You write it down then either wash it in his jeans or put it with the rest of the rubbish cos YOU are sick of looking at it. Its called sharing and i thought everyone knew how to do it. I couldnt be more wrong. He is rattling off what he has done at work, what his workmates lives are doing. From their families to their pets. But you know he will not discuss the things that need discussing if the relationship is ever to work. It scares the hell out of me that he dont talk, because i dont know who is going to be knocking on the door to put me out. I dont know where he is working or time getting in. Not because i want to spy on him, so i can put the radio on and listen to the traffic news and know he is safe. So i know he hasn't had the biggest shock of his life. And being an electrician its possible.
Anonymous on 12 December 2008 at 12:38pm said...
hi my husband of 10 years is the same, he is efficient, good at decision making, handles lots of money and solves peoples problems at work but when he gets home it all stops.
he wont talk to me unless its good news and doesnt involve doing anything or stressing out at all. this means no talk about money, bills, kids problems, everything really. if i do press the issue there is arguing, sulking, snapping......
this means that i have a lot of responsibility and i push down alot of anger and frustration which isnt good
i also get quite lonely even when hes in the house..mmm doesnt look good when you write it out
we too have got into trouble financially as he is the wage earner, ive actually swiped his card now and again to find out whats happening with his account..
Anonymous on 12 December 2008 at 12:41pm said...
sorry im meant to help arent i but im sorry i dont know.... hes possibly just one of those people whos not able to open up easily about things
Anonymous on 12 December 2008 at 4:36pm said...
Thats an easy way of explaning it, 'not one of those who can open up easily'. But what when you know they can? I know all about his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend after her, and its what he told me as our relationship started! So its not that he cant open up and its maddening.
Anonymous on 31 December 2008 at 10:30am said...
Hi...I have been looking online for some help...a last resort really. My husband is lovely in so many ways, but the minute I try to talk to him about how I am feeling, he closes down and hangs his head and doesn't andswer. Things that have been niggling at the marriage are never resolved becuase of his inability to confront and deal with them. Every time we get into a situation he doesn;t like, he shuts down, doesn't interact and makes me feel really humiliated. This Xmas he did exactly the same again, even tho I explained months beforehand that his behaviour ruins my Xmases. We agreed to spend the time with our family and he spent the whole time gazing at the children's programmes on tv or nodding off on the sofa. He never instigates a conversation, tho is able to harangue at great length about anything negative...state of the nation, idiots on the road, in fact idiots who rule the world.... I sound awful, I know...but it is the truth. When we are on our own we get on well, tho intimacy is going, going, gone because I feel that he doesn't try to address my feelings...This really is a last resort..can anyone shed light on what is going on and how I can reach my husband and get him to talk about things between us. I have spent too many hours trying to get him to open up about why he behaves the way he does...but he just sits and says absolutely nothing. HELP!!!
Anonymous on 22 January 2009 at 7:42pm said...
My ex keeps calling nd not saying anything! How do I break the ice?
Anonymous on 19 February 2009 at 12:54am said...
I'm the one who shuts down in relationships. I start something, then he gets defensive, then I shut off completely.
It's the agression, (not ever ever violence) the confrontation, the fact that I am unsure how I feel and do not want to commit to an opinion. I only want to evade questioning. discuss generally around an issue, not decide thenand there what it is i think anfeel. He always has such strong opinions and mine get drowned out until I get mad, then I scream them at him and he doesnt listen.
Maybe it's more important to sit in silence sometimes. to hold hands and not to worry, to let them know that these little things are not as important as the quiet solidarity you share.
Anonymous on 19 February 2009 at 11:09am said...
If someone doesnt want to talk they wont regardless how you approach them.
I have done everything from asking with a smile to screaming with a purple face, all his suggestions and not one of them has worked. 3 years on and our relationship is horrible. I still have no idea where he goes, what he does, how much debt he has. I cant help anymore as he has spent every last penny i had in savings on his credit card debts. I have no idea if he is going to work when he leaves, and if so what he has earnt. I pay all the utillity bills and shopping, clothes, gifts ect and he pays the morgtage and nothing else.
If i sit in silence then there is nothing but. If i ask about anything serious, all he will say is he dosent want an argument, and i mean this is ALL he will say repetedly.
If i leave i would be homeless and that would mean a unit with my children. Means we could be in one for months. But i truely dont want to be here anymore. I dont recognise ME anymore.
He knows exactly what he is doing and how ist affecting us but he still wont talk! I am beginnning to think he likes to be pittied. He seams to thrive when I put my arms around him and tell him everything will be ok. He has NEVER done that with me.
Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 19 February 2009 at 3:47pm said...
You are naturally upset at the lack of open and honest communication in your relationship, and it feels to you as if you are putting in more than you are getting out. This situation is bound to be affecting your children as well. As you have tried everything yourself to get him to talk to you without success, would it be worth getting him to go and see a relationship counsellor with you? If he won't go you could consider going on your own to talk through what you want to do, whether you want to leave, to get him to leave, or what else you could try to make things work. Have a look at www.marriagecare.org.uk or www.relate.org.uk for access to counselling.
Anonymous on 20 March 2009 at 4:46pm said...
I know exactly how you feel my husband does not talk about anything significant. He avoids any sort of conflict even the most minor argument. He closes the door shuts me out. Will not open up at all. I feel so rejected and abandoned so sad I hate it and try harder and harder to reach him but always fail. I have been with him a long time over fifteen years . I wish I had taken steps before to end it there is no solution for me.I cannot help him to share his thoughts his likes his dislikes his values and beliefs. It is so sad he is a nice man but I am finished now. I cannot give more.
Anonymous on 23 March 2009 at 1:50pm said...
men dont talk...the issues r theirs...we dont want you girls to be stressed .......you cannot handle it. i think i hve heard these lines so many times in my 12 year old marriage ...i sud hv better sense not to question but alas the suspense of whtzz happening and titi bits you get to knw thru over hearing or some stray paper gets to you..........you ask....and the pandora box of argument start off. he is a nice guy. loves me..helps me in my chores...just keeps getting into financial mess... the 1 imp reason for me to know whtzz goining on with his life....... issues r trivial but r always the same.........the only way it cn be changed if I start doing everything.......wait patiently for years so that he opens up...12 has not been sufficient. forget his financial mess and let him handle ..........if i do all tht we r on an ideal marriage........ but i am ready for all of this ...........dont really know......pls. advice.........
Anonymous on 02 April 2009 at 9:04pm said...
Need some help all you out there, Met a lovely guy at speed dating, he also chose me but since then has had a lot of issues with his kids, i have been sympathetic and supportive, been out a few times, we get on really well, he has been honest and said that he wants us to be friends however i do want more from him advice please.
Anonymous on 16 April 2009 at 7:39am said...
hey all you ladies in the UK. i am in baltimore, usa. i have a boyfriend who doesnt talk. seems to not have time for anything slightly less than copasetic and won't deal with anything that is difficult or challenging. its annoying. i always see potential but perhaps not reality, which in this particular case involves said-boyfriend and a little discovery i made recently through his friend's drunken-babbling wife! he's 31, unemployed and has been unemployed for 3, almost 4 years. and its widely thought that his rents pay the rent.
there are three ways people make bills while not working: liquidate assets, run up credit card debt, or your parents give you gobs of money like a little sissy boy!
sorry. but yes, ahem, alas, talking about jobs, careers, what we do during the day....all banned topics of conversation or it starts a big fight. I don't even know this guy's story! I tried to ask. well then he was just critical of me for stuff and like, yelling all of a sudden like hours later... out of the blue to me. but then i get upset, and i am like, well that hurt my feelings, cold man! and he's all slinging more mud and shit, then i am like, please apologize, let's get this worked out! and he's like NO WAY and ends the conversation as if he couldn't care less. i mean, i'm starting to think either he really doesnt care. but i do! besides, the battle-of-who-could-care-less is so played out. read: sulking, self-conscious teenagers with angst.
so anyway. i got dismissed and ignored by this ANTI-TALKER for the last time tonight. i guess i am gonna just try and tell him with a cool head tomorrow that i feel very sad it when people do (x, y, z = all the things that pissed me off and made me sad) and i wish we could handle it like [this] next time.
there are some things that are worth the discomforts we feel in life. they are the things we put the hardest work into, the biggest pieces of ourselves. and putting the time and energy to work out the kinks in a relationship outta be worth it or you are with the wrong person!
don't be afraid to set yourself free, ladies. even if you've been with him forever. think about it, i know easier said than done. they're just men. there's like a billionmilliontrillionhundred men on this earth. sometimes they're like a wagon... they get you where you need to go, i suppose, but then again you could have walked and when you feel like you're walking all round town with some busted old wagon weighing you down, then you gotta just set yourself free. you know what i mean? we've all had those men that were good old wagons... for awhile. come on, you can't tell me you honestly believe there is only one person out there...right? alas that is where i digress. who cares about men, who cares about men who won't open up or talk, who cares when we can chat about this shit from across the pond and feel a little comfort in knowing others feel the same. we are not alone! it is the silent grumpy guys we shack up with as if he's the last big cock on the east coast! these men are the lonely ones! thanks for sharing your stories and reading something i wrote while completely drunk. love you UK! Peace Out!
Anonymous on 17 April 2009 at 8:03pm said...
my partner doesnt talk mch either. goes quiet everytime i ask him about our future. Getting bored of the relationship now. Hurting too. He says he cant take stress!! He hasnt dated in 8 years and then i come along and he is besotted with me! Now he doesnt know what he wants.......! I almost have thrown in the towel :(
Anonymous on 25 April 2009 at 8:08pm said...
Hi all
I too, share the same problem but thankfully it is a monir thing at the moment, but i worry it will grow.
I have been dating a guy for about 2 months. before that I was alone for 5 years since my last relationship ended in him leaving me for another woman without warning. I was so devastated and shocked I vowed "never again". I'd been feeling desperately lonely ever since. Any men I'd been interested in, I'd not been interested in forming a relationship with as I get scared re:the past.
This new man pursued me via a friend who thought we'd be good together. I said no for about a month to him when he asked me out. Finally I wondered what harm would a drink do. We didn't particularly get on as he is very quiet and only talks freely about work or about his hobby. I thought no after this but then he "trapped" me into having dinner with him at a fancy resteraunt. He said he hadn't eaten and asked if I had and when I said no he said we could just catch up over a bite and thathe would pick me up. I said yes to find us in a very swanky place. i felt a bit uncomfortable but decided i needed a treat.
Since then he then asked me round to his house and said he wasn't bothered if we were friends or lovers. I went to his and felt very cared for and loved and happy. After about 2 weeks we ended up in bed and it was really amazing.
All my friends and family are delighted and say he is wonderful. The time we have together is lovely but he doen't talk, he just looks blank. I have asked him loads of probing questions and he tells me just enough to shut me up but does not volunteer anything. I have no idea what he wants or if he likes me as I suspecthe just wants a girlfriend to relieve his loniliness.
I have told him many times that I do not want a relationship with anyone, i will not commit and I am not monogamous and will not be. i will tell him though if I think i'll want to slep with anyone else nd at present I do not want to. he says he doesnt want to sleep with anyone else. That is all. He has come round my house and done some repairs which I wasn't sure about.
The time has come for me to tell him that it is over. He isn't lively like me, doesn't talk when in a group and doesn't dance!! So I end up dancing alone and chatting to people while he sits staring at me in silence which I hate. i think he is besotted and trying to play it cool, but this alerts my fears as i don't know what will happen. My ex was similar and didn't tell me he was just seeing me and living with me until something better came along. i fear this again.
Anyone got any comments, they would be welcome.
Thank you for reading this long story!
T
Anonymous on 25 April 2009 at 8:20pm said...
I actually feel like i am the bad one who may end up using him! I am using him for companionship, hugs and sex at the moment and would feel more bonded to him if he just talked more freely about himself. When he talks about work it is as though he is another person. He is argumentative with his boss, rebellious and difficult as an employee as he thinks he knows best. This worries me if he is the complete opposite when with me and his friends. None of them know anything about him. They say he is just like that - quiet and reserved. I don't like it but I know everyone will be annoyed if I go back to being grumpy sad old single me!!
T
James (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 25 April 2009 at 11:22pm said...
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your difficulties and for continuing the discussion. There are some similarities to your situation and there are some very good advice from the above comments. However, your situation means that you are fearful that the lack of communication from your partner will leave you with uncertainties about the future and that history will repeat itself. Sometimes after the breakdown of a long term relationship the anger and hurt take a long time to get over and might contribute to your fear. You said you told your partner you do not want to commit to a relationship. It sounds as if you have made up your mind. Perhaps you could consider talking to someone, like a counsellor, about your fears and feelings after the breakdown of your first relationship. I wish you all the best.
Anonymous on 26 April 2009 at 5:39pm said...
Thank you for your advice, it is clear that I am not managing this very well. I did attend counselling for 2 years after the last break up and the result was that I made a very good single life for myself with odd bouts of lonliness. I shall think on.
T