I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We have lived together for 1.5 of those. When we first got together I was in my third year of university and lived with my flatmate. Money wasn't brilliant but I had enough to get by.
After being with my boyfriend for about 8 months I had to take a year out from uni (for personal reasons), so the logical thing to do was get a full time job for a year. I started my new job at the same time as we decided to move in together. He lived with 2 other friends and decided that he didn't want to live with friends anymore and at the same time I wasn't getting on with my flatmate. So we decided to move in together.
At first things were fine. He has a full time job which he earns about £25,000 a year. Whereas my job paid about half of that. He paid slightly more rent than me (£50) as he wanted the second bedroom for his music things and he earned more than I did. We got by and he did pay for more things than me but I always spent ALL of my spare money on things for us and the flat. It got to the point where I couldn't even afford new underwear when my old ones didn't fit. Yet at the same time he would spend £100's on new music equipment and other things for himself. I didn't say anything as it wasn't my money. Things weren't brilliant between us but we decided we would make an effort because we still really wanted to be together and loved each other.
Anyway, we moved out of that flat into a cheaper house as I was to go back to uni for my final year. At the same time my boyfriends brother died of cancer (unexpectedly), he was only 31. This really affected us. We struggled to find any time for just us and money was tight. It ended up that we paid half and half for the rent but my boyfriend would pay all the bills and the majority of food. We rarely went out and I accepted this. After his brother died, my boyfriend has spent a lot of time doing things in his memory and not wanting to celebrate his own birthday or christmas because of this. He also decided that he wanted to move again to an area which was closer to his work but a lot further away from my friends, family, work and university (and more expensive). When I showed some reluctance to do this he said he was going to move with or without me. At first he said that I should live in our old house on my own until I finished uni (3 months) and he would still pay his rent on it. I thought that this was a really bad idea and a waste of money. So we agreed that to see what it would be like living seperately he would move to the new house for 1 month. We did and I hated it and him for it. I ended up going with him (on the condition I paid no more in rent than I did) because I couldn't afford it.
We have been here for 3 months now and he treats it as his house that I live in. Not 'ours'. We had an arguement over nothing a couple of months ago (he had been a bit quiet for a couple of days and I kept asking if everything was okay and he said it was. I felt content and din't know what was wrong. I presumed that he was upset about his brother. Then the arguement came from nowhere and he said he wanted me to move out (I had nowhere to go). He wanted me to go live at my mums until I found a job. There is no space there and I am 25! All the furniture in the house is mine and my two cats would have to stay there. I basically told him if he wants me to move out then I can no longer be with him. I left him to it. He eventually said he didn't want me to move out and he had not given it long enough in the new house.
A couple of months on I ensure I pay him the rent (which has already been paid for up front with money from his brother that was left to him) and 1/3 of money for bills. This leaves me with £100 per month at the moment to pay all my debts, petrol, food and clothing. (NOT ENOUGH!!). This means that I have not paid my bills for 3 months, the bank rings me constantly and I have to borrow money from him. My phone has been cut off leaving me even more isolated from my family and friends than I already did. Yet he doesn't seem to care. I feel that he resents the fact that he has to support me and makes me feel worse than I already do about it. He makes horrible remarks in front of his family about money and paying for me. He makes me feel bad when I ask to lend some for petrol so I can get to work or to uni. I often go without dinner so I don't have to ask to borrow money.
It has got to the point that I don't feel I can say anything that he might not agree with as I feel insuperior to him because of the money situation. On Valentines day I put a lot of effort into making him a special meal so he didn't have to take me out. I spent my last bit of money on a couple of presents I knew he wanted. He turned up an hour late (this is when we were living seperately) and got me some chocolates. When I was visibly upset by his lack of effort and ll the effort I had gone to he said I should have just made the meal to say thank you for all the money he spends on me.
I have told him how upset he makes me feel with his comments and the fact that I feel like crying all the time. When I mention this he says sorry he doesn't mean to make me feel that way and that he won't do it again. But then he does. I have asked him if he still wants to be with me and he says yes, but something doesn't feel right. I asked if he wanted to have a break as he needs to think about whether we should be together. He said he doesn't know because he would be scared of losing me.
For the past 5 months I have put his unhappiness down to the fact that his brother died, but maybe that is just an excuse. Things are looking set to get worse as I am struggling to find a job at the moment. I just don't know what to do for best. The way I see it is that we have planned to be together for ever and if it were the other way round I wouldn't want him to feel worried financially. It comes with a relationship, but he doesn't seem to see it that way. He doesn't think if it was the other way round I would do the same as him. We obviously don't agree, but I just don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. Even my friends have noticed a change in my personality.
Sorry to rant but I just feel very confused. I love him to bits but I am starting to feel resentful towards him and thinking do I want to be with someone like this who won't financially support the person they love because "we are not married and don't have children"????
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