Hi everybody,
Im new to this forum but reading through other peoples posts Ive been inspired to post myself. I dont really know who to talk to and maybe someone on here can help.
Ive been with my partner for two years..the relationship has been absolutely brilliant at its best and unbelievably bad at its worst.
The main problem is his secrecy. He was single for a while before he met me and lived alone. He spent most of his time talking to women on the internet (before we met) and has a lot of female friends.
Basically I have issues with trust, largely shaped from a previous relationship which was serious and lasted 6 years. Now, in my current relationship I sometimes find these feelings and issues re surfacing. He has never cheated on me..that i'm 100% certain. He has one female friend in particular who he was casually sleeping with before he met me. They have remained friends and she wasn't exactly impressed when he began the realtionship with me (non of his female freind's were). So this puts pressure on him and I thought about leaving the relationship as I didn't want to tread on anyones toes (this all came about fairly early in the relationship). But I thought NO, he's in no relationship with anyone else..why should I end it because of a few jealous freind's..whom he could have had relationships with before he met me if it was going to happen. The relationship went through some pretty rough times of jealousy largely on my part and this caused me one time to read the messages on his fone..stupid...stupid thing to do..no good ever came of it. Eventually months later I told him I read the fone..understandably he was annoyed and i defended my point of not wanting to find..what I did find (flirty texts to other females and a few from his ex saying she loved him and a few from him confiding in her and asking if she would ever forget him). My point is even though I know he would and will never cheat on me I get insanely jealous when he talks to these other women whether by internet or text. I get jealous that he is confiding in them and not talking to me. I am a curious person by nature and want to know everything (I wish I wasnt like this).
Months have passed since the worst times in the relationship. He spends less time on the computer now and I dont think he has as much contact with the female friends as he used to.
The main problem is our communication, if I ask him who text him or who he's talking to online he gets really annoyed (understandably as he feels he's being interrogated) and I am only asking out of interest. If he says such and such a person It just makes me think "ok..nothing to hide nothing to feel worried about" But because he gets so annoyed it feels like he is hiding stuff which makes me feel worse. If it was nothing, why would he make such a big deal of hiding it??
Night times are the worst..he hates going to bed and spends time on the computer until the early hours of the morning talking to whoever is online and doing whatever else he's doing (i dont know). Its making it hard to go to sleep and although he doesnt spend everynight on the computer, the nights he does (most of them), it feels like he is choosing that over coming to bed with me, but I know everyone needs space and their own time...so i dont know.
Im really really worried that if i continue to doubt him as it looks to him like i do then it will wreck the realtionship and i feel really guilty. I know he loves me as he tells me all the time and I cant imagine being in a relationship with anyone different. Last night for the first time we had a better talk than usual, he said I have nothing to worry about, reassured me for the 10,000th time..he does love me and I know he does. But the feeling that jealousy brings and insecurities are painful, I want to feel completely happy and trust in him 100% but somehow I always doubt him, no matter how hard I maybe should believe in him. Sometimes I just really dont know how to feel.
xx
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sadgirl on 02 April 2009 at 9:21pm said...
ok firstly well explained you!
secondly, embrace your feelings they are there to protect you, if you were with the right person they too would understand this and why? would they care for talking to other people when they have you? You, quite rightly have needs and need to feel secure and able to trust, HUGE part of ourselves is investing and opening up to vunerability when we are someones partner, so that partner in turn should either feel the same and respect you or not waste your time!
Why are you blaming yourself when he is giving you clear reasons to worry? sometimes other weak unkind people feed off our needs and insecurites in life to almost provide them that excuse that reason, no - one should need to feel jealous and whilst I accept sometimes we do get ourselves thinking oh god I dont like that girl/woman, she seems far more... why waste your time, if they love you they truly love you no one else will come into the equation.
honey I feel for you and all the worries you have been facing. maybe he loves you but I cannot tell as dont know this whole situation only that which you've described, or maybe you are so wanting this to be true for yourself as why not! hell I'll be your girly friend, tell me chick Im always here.
please dont beat yourself up? is he worth all these bad feelings, I know how it feels and worry like that makes you sick and you start to reason why they could be or are doing this to you like a little trap, but honey if he doesnt respect you and start explaining why he is texting people he then doesnt care as much as you and i would wish him too. bless you x
DaveAngel on 03 April 2009 at 2:20am said...
what does he get out of talking to other women? Does he do the same with guys?
I am gathering that he is not fully ready to settle, get married and have a family?
Work life, hopes and dreams 4 the future?
daveangel.
DaveAngel on 03 April 2009 at 6:33am said...
what would you see if you had your own oracle?
A love journey perhaps...can you see where it is taking you after the initial time of courting and adjusting to each other is over? What challenges can you see ahead?
All ears,
daveangel.
Anonymous on 03 April 2009 at 4:31pm said...
Thanks for your resposnses!! No he doesnt do the same with Guys, he has a few guy friends he talks to online but these are people he has met and known in real life...whereas most of the female friends he has are people he has met online and not always met in person. I think the internet provides the opportunity to talk and flirt with people of the opposite sex really easily but doesnt always put your true personality across.
The reason why he says he talks to them, is nothing other than to see what theyre up to..I dont really see the point of this but there you go. The thing that worries me the most is that he talks to someone who lives close by but has never met. Apparently he knows her quite well which means in reverse she knows him quite well or they talk in depth...no one confides in another person unless they confide back..so that makes me kind of jealous. If he's just talking why do I worry about it?? I admit I do have the rather selfish feeling of why do you want to talk to these other people....am I not enough for you?? And then I think why cant he talk to other people..if its innocent. He asked me the other night what I was worried about and I said I was worried about him talking to someone else..them getting on really well..going to meet them etc etc and he said that would never happen..as he's with me. He said he doesnt really take that much interest in other women or act on any other women who may show interest. Its things like this as to why I trust him. I read somewhere on this forum that a man prefers to be with a confident woman who has no security or trust issues...inturn that makes the man feel haapier in the relationship and therefore he doesnt need to look for conversation or anything else where. I can understand this as if youre happy in a relationship then youre happy with the other person and youre not going to look elsewhere.
Thanks Daveangel....Ive mentioned to him before about the fact that maybe he isnt ready to settle yet (eventhough we do live together) and he says stuff like "yeh but if im not with you I cant see myself being with anyone else" or characteristics wise..if im not the right person then who is sort of thing.
Thanks too sadgirl...you made me feel like you understand
xx
Anonymous on 04 May 2009 at 9:48pm said...
I can totally relate..I to have been in a relationship for 2 years and its a learning process. He is younger then I by 7 years and was also single before he met me and has many girlfriends he chats with. Thing is he said once him and I were together he stopped. He is divorced and has 2 children. I am the confident, strong and independant type, but somewhere in there I lose me about once a month. I have found a site he was on a few months back, called Rate me and Date me, he had his picture on there and was being rated, in the meantime girls pictures were being sent to him to be rated. I didn't see the need for that in our relationship and he got rid of it. We communicate and he makes changes. Now that the relationship has become serious, he needs breaks to recoup, you know he gets tired of laundry and kids, stressed at work and all that, plus me but he comes back and it seems to be better. The only problem I have now is other women texting him, what are you doing today? get your but back online? uh hello, do they not know he is in a serious relationship? I say no, because he likes this attention, what man does not like having women's attention. I did what you did and read his texts, cuz my gut told me so. It's not right to have flirty texts or confiding in another when he has you. I explained why I did what I did and just like sadgirl says he has to explain why he is texting others. He may be upset I invaded his privacy like that but I wouldn't have known otherwise, a serious relationship lets go of others, it is about us. Friendships build, it can lead anywhere after time and that scares me. My past experiences have shown me women friends usually take your boyfriend away. We shouldn't be in this position to even wonder, he has to provide that security and prove he is mature and ready to tell everyone he is serious and it's not about what he is doing today, its about what WE are doing today......