I have recently split with my husband after a hard 3 years trying to make it work following his affair. The marriage for me has been over for a while even though we didnt actually split til the end of last year.
Now my issue is this. My parents live down the coast and every now and then I go down to stay with them. On one occasion last year when I was still with my husband I went to my parents alone to have some "me" time and I met a man who lives a few doors from my parents. We got on well and he invited me back to his place. I stress that nothing happened. We just talked for a bit then I thought that it wasnt right and went back to my parents house. I never forgot about him though.
Fast forward now to a month ago. I went down to my parents again and bumped into this man. I told him that I was no longer with my husband and he said that I should have his number. Also my parents are going to move back to where I live and when I told him about this he said that I will always have somewhere to stay should I want to come down. We had a fantastic weekend and he really made me feel special. When I was due to come home he said text me to let him know that I got back safely and also said that he didnt want the weekend to be a one off.
I got back home, sent the text as promised and he replied, I then sent him a few other texts over the next few days but he became a bit distant and in the end I stopped texting, he never text me either so I assumed that the weekend was just what it was and I was prepared to move on until this weekend. I sent him a text just to see how he was, I didnt want there to be any bad feeling as I know I would probably see him again should I go back to my parents before they move. Anyway to my suprise he was really friendly and chatty and we texted a few times and he then asked if he could come and visit me? I jumped at the chance and he came to see me yesterday. We had a really nice time and got on well.
One thing he did say though was that he was used to being on his own and liked is own space, I said to him that he can have all the space he wanted and that I wont constantly be texting him, he said that was good cos it would make him lose interest if that happened. I am certainly not looking too far forward either and not looking for another husband so this suits me fine but I really do like him and I am left wondering if he really likes me too but wants to take it slow or is it just about sex for him. When he left yesterday he said he would text me to let me know he got back ok and he did. I replied and he texted back saying text you soon. I just replied with a little smily face and a couple of kisses and left it at that, hes not contacted me since but I'm not fretting.
I am arguing in my head that he travelled 2 hours to see me yesterday and if that was just for sex then he could have got that back home after all if he was just into me for one thing then he had that a month ago when I stayed with my parents.
A male perspective on this would be great, what does this all mean? It is a case thats hes just not that into me? or is he but just doesnt want to show it too soon?
Thanks for reading the essay, its hard to condense it down to a few paragraphs
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DaveAngel on 30 March 2009 at 3:38pm said...
Status quo....fear of change....past hurt...nice lifestyle which is not too complicated...(women often interpret this as fear of intimacy, lack of commitment, reserved nature, aloofness...but it is not always so...for alot of ppl m/f it is normal and right...)
This man has a history, a past, and if he is not letting it out then it is because he is trying to compartmentalise his priorities, and is probably a little suspicious of 'open house' and having someone who he hardly knows in his life and home...
All fair enough really...
Embracing what you have and not worrying about what you dont have {(is a super turn on for alot of guys)} is a theme that occurs for many ppl. I am a worrier too, but I have learned not to spread my fears without due casue or having too many expectations...
So this is guy stuff -and girl stuff too- for those that are worriers and ppl pleasers like me...
We are good ppl so I dont have a problem, we are also good communicators and team players which is good, but what kind of person might he be?
Is he reclusive, creative, an introvert, quiet, simple? He might be a seething volcano of hidden drives and passions for all we know, and a whole lot more... the odds are better than a coin toss in my experience.
And then there is the past- your past- and the ex and allathat...really letting go and moving on (think SCARY). You cant really just forsake all that as it is still a part of your inner life from the past- which you carry, but if you are sensible, then perhaps you will consider others fears, feelings, needs, your own issues, whether it is right, he is right, casual, committed etcetera....
My 'guy' approach to suggest- take it slow, casual, relax, no expectations, eyes wide open, only text if you have a plan or fulfill an obligation (no random txt bombs- if you fall in love then this txting business will get totally out of control for a while though, but dont forget the basic rule- keep it functional)- go to the beach exploring, go to a restaurant, see a show...dont just hang out with nothing to do or nothing happening (major turn off) because there are alot of men (and women) who hate doing that with someone they dont really know or understand (bad work life balance)- it feels so uncomfortable- and will get him oppositional, aloof and/or cranky if it happens on a regular basis.
There is one girl here who has been with a guy for ten months, and he still feels like he has to 'entertain her' and obviosly isnt ready...as to whether its his problem or hers is really a catch 22. Getting on with 'my' life is the only viable option...
...from my 'guy' perspective that is...
...hahahaha...
daveangel.
DaveAngel on 30 March 2009 at 3:40pm said...
Loobyloo- you are in alot of places here it seems...I will read whatever I see about you to get some idea of whats been happening- that is until my internet gets cut off soon...
DaveAngel on 30 March 2009 at 4:04pm said...
One thing is really troubling me here Loobyloo and I just cant seem to let it slide...
Why do you refer to your ex as your husband?
This bomb kills trust if you drop it on a guy (-or even if you THINK it- if the guy is even half way intelligent)-, even if it is unintentional, because if you are seperate and you refer to the ex in the present, he will think you are trying to mislead...hence defensive, jealous, distrustful, aloof, angry blah blah...
D.A.
You are facing subliminality- and this is the thing that is tearing ppl apart left right and centre here (because they ignore it, deride it, disrespect it, discount it- as one guy said so occultly- it is about god and truth- i believe the truth bit...)...especially the younger ones...it is all about the power of words and body language in revealing subconscious thinking and motive...
loobyloo on 30 March 2009 at 10:59pm said...
Dave, I was sort of hoping you would reply to me, I have read most of your posts too, some of them decent enough not to be edited or deleted by admin! You seem to be able to actually say things can help and thanks for your reply to my little dilemma.
I refer to my ex as my husband just cos I am so used to saying that, I wont deny that we are still friends but as for anything else I can never go back there again. Once trust is broken with me it can never be fixed. My love died for him ages ago but I stuck with it cos I didnt want another failed marriage on my hands.
This man, that lets face it i fancy like mad, is so laid back hes virtually horizontal but very outgoing and thats what I like about him. I like the fact that we are not in each others faces but I just wondered if he like me the same as I liked him or is/was it a case of just scratching that itch. No-one can answer that question except the man in question, I know that. But getting a mans perspective on this is a good indication of what he could be feeling for me.
I am usually a good judge on character and I feel that he does like me but as you said Dave, hes not keen on the random texts. I will just have to see where this takes me I suppose.
Thanks again Dave for you input.
loobyloo on 30 March 2009 at 11:37pm said...
BTW I have never reffered to my ex to this new man as my husband, I have always called him my ex or not even spoke of him at all.
DaveAngel on 31 March 2009 at 12:45am said...
Loobyloo,
Are u flirting with me? Hanging out online?
(Yes I have been edited, but I respect that and appreciate that someone is watching my back!)
I am not comfortable with the intent of your last post and I will tell you why...
(...and I am going to let it rip here Loobyloo...)
Truthfully?
I dont think you quite yet get what I am on about.
You are not trying hard enough, or not serious enough.
I think if we talk to each other we wont talk out the problems.
We have to stay on task- you talk out an issue that is resonant for you- and me doing all I can to offer my own opinions/understandings/queries/communion.
If I have issues then it is the reverse. I have posted articles but received no feedback yet...maybe u could address them.
I wont work on a personal one on one basis with you Loobyloo on what you 'think' and what I 'think' ad nauseaum, because that is not what this whole process is about to me. Its work, and I need it right now and I take it very seriously.
I think if we do 'that' it will breach the mission and purpose of this site.
It is not for armchair philosophising nor is it for social chatting.
We are anonymous. That is the way it has got to be. I dont live my life through this site, I just come here to help myself and to help others on the way. (And pretty soon I will be gone- end of story. Served and serve.)
I will bang away on the first and second sentence with you, then I am out of here loobyloo ok?-
Lets crack the head off it shall we!
'Once trust is broken with me it can never be fixed.'
Why did you come to this absolute conclusion? And on what grounds? I hate to spoil the party, but who CHOSE to trust? Do they deserve some responsibility? I know, I know, I know- but if I dont stress this and play hardball, then I will let you continue to believe in something that will continue to frustrate all attempts at acceptance and understanding, not only for yourself but of others. This dogmatic approach ruins ppls lives...
If I ask someone to reflect on something- by and large ppl do it, be honest with themselves and process while moving on, as do I.
This site is not experiential. You dont walk away knowing all the answers- and then wonder why it is all falling apart. You have to reflect while living, process and work-reflect- live reflect over and over reflect- livereflect- livereflect- livereflect- live etcetera...
Call me an a$%hole if u want, but I have to respect the same process with you as I do with others.
There are no exemptions or special considerations.
'My love died for him ages ago but I stuck with it cos I didnt want another failed marriage on my hands.'
Are you the one who says let the cards fall as they may? You are caring what the world thinks by saying this Loob, there is a real 'something' here about fear of failure- and resultant attempts to control- its looming Loob...
I cant do YOUR work for you!
You work the puzzle.
(I will watch your posts, but I will choose when and how to respond from now on)
daveangel.
loobyloo on 31 March 2009 at 11:06am said...
I never asked for that sort of response to my previous posts and I am sorry if you think and assume that I would be flirting with you. I just read some of your posts and wondered if you would reply to mine and I am grateful you did as it opened my eyes to what I was thinking anyway. If you dont want people on this site to "seek" out your valued opinions maybe you should have stayed anon.
If I was to be flirting with you I would have made it pretty obvious, saying i fancy someone else like mad is hardly doing that! Ideas above your own station there my friend.
I have already posted on here a few months back regarding my ex husband so I wont go into the details of why were are no longer together as its just wasted time. I dont really know where your going with all that anyway, my worry was if my friend liked me as much as I like him no more no less.
Addressing the just "hanging out" quip, I come on this site to hopefully help those that need some advice and I only reply to ones that I feel I can relate to. I have recieved help on here and I want to give that back. I certainly dont live my life on here!
So anyway Daveangel, you have every right not to reply to his post. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Anonymous on 31 March 2009 at 1:02pm said...
Hey Looby, have read some of your other posts, and although I'm female, hope I can offer some thoughts!
(By the way, just wanted to reassure you, you don't come across as flirtatious at all! Being grateful for a response is nice, but that's it! I think DA is quite happy to have a strong presence around here - he's certainly leaving his mark!!)
There's always the danger with moving quickly to sex in your relationship that you'll see the relationship in a different way from your partner - he may have thought it was a more casual fling than you did. Interpreting what you've said it sounds like he's not looking for any commitment, so wants to keep it at a bit of a distance.
I'm sure you guys will be fine - do you think you can ask it casually when you next speak to him? You just have to move at the same speed emotionally as him! Good luck!:-D
loobyloo on 31 March 2009 at 2:43pm said...
Thanks for your reply, its good to have some female input. I didnt think I was being flirtatious either, thanks for noticing that.
Maybe I moved a bit too fast into a sexual relationship with this man, he's very senusal and I sort of couldnt help myself :) I think for women tho that sex always means more to us then it does for men, especially in the begining the getting to know you stage. Also I have to remember that we do live nearly 2 hours apart, its not like hes on my doorstep so its going to take longer than normal to get to know each other better.
We spoke about the next time we meet, maybe we should meet in the middle which is good for me and for him, that was his suggestion and not mine so I do think he likes me but is taking it slowly.
Thanks again for your advice, it does help to talk it through.