About a year ago my partner dumped me after 8years, we went to a frends wedding and i knew some thing wasnt wright, that night i tryed (as i had been for several months), to get her to say what was bothering her. She said that everything was bugging her but wouldnt really say that much. I went home on my own leaving her at her sisters expecting her to come home later, she didnt. The following day she came home and dropped a bomb shell, we were over. I was devestated, just over a week later i found out that she was seeing some one else. I think i coped quite well all things considerd, a month after the split i had a phone call from my ex, she started talking about our child but the conversation quickly went on to the subject ov her new bloke who in her words '' i cant talk to him like i talk to you'', which upset me some wot. I ended the conversation there n then.
About a week after the phone call i was told that she wanted to give it another go with me, i was only to willing to do that as i have honestly never loved any one as i love her. The following day we arranged to meet up for a chat, i could tell by her face things werent wright and was told that she had changed her mind and wanted to be on her own. I later found out she was back with that other bloke. She has done this several times threw out the split, playing me and the other bloke, and every time it hurt me more than the last.
By christmas time i had had enough and was making a new start with my life, it was at this time we started talking and helping each other out, when she told me that she realy did love me and we should give it another go, i thort she really ment it this time. So we gave it another go, but now 3 months into the new year i can tell some thing isnt right, we've chatted but she seems unable to open up. I know she has sufferd from depression for many years and i know wot it can do. We've talked and have said we need to work things out but we dont know were to start.
I so dessperatly want things to work out between us, but i am so scared and dont know wot to do, i hurt so much i cant concentrate and dont know wot to do.
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DaveAngel on 25 March 2009 at 6:35pm said...
She sounds like a narcissist from what you say (maybe you could ask her to comment on this page, and its commentary)(and I would strongly sugeest you go through all this website together- as it helps me- even though my ex thinks this site is evil gibberish! haha...).
Some women are so caught up in their own fantasy life of the perfect mate that they are driven hither and thither in search of the fantastical ideal.
Really, narcissistic women are scared that they are losing their youth and are not beautiful enough and are looking for an Adonis to validate their goddess/princess complex.
If she is like this then it is never smooth because anything to do with their bodies their fertility and reproduction becomes totally obsessive to them- brooding, moodiness, extreme sensitivity, irritation, stay/go obsession, yes/no, you/him, the 'bitch on heat' as the perfect embodiment of woman thing...
It all stems in my opinion from immaturity, a lack of understanding of the gateways to adulthood (rituals), and a lack of healthy boundaries, 'the spoiled princess who wants it all' fantasy (unresolved father/parenting oedipus issues) (Is this psychobabble crap of mine out of control or what??? Haha...).
Loyalty and commitment are out of the question because you are not the embodiment of the impossible fairytale ideal. Noone is my friend, and even spunky virile guys get old and wrinkly and want to settle with a sane balanced woman when the heady days of sowing oats are over.
Narcissists are totally self absorbed and self obsessed and and have very poor self reflective and communicative abilities- due to their hypersensitivity to their own pathological internal needs never being met.
The attention span gets shorter and shorter (as does their sane moments) until they finally have a crisis and realise they need to reflect.
If I was with a disloyal narcissist, I would just enjoy the ride and laugh as much as possible and take it all with a grain of salt as u r not really talking and loving and relating with a real whole person, but with a mass of fantasies, phobias, aversions and perversions.
Make sure if you do you run with her you wear a condom, and know that you are not bound by loyalty so are free to live and do and leave whenever your hearts desire or sanity so wills it.
She will fight this but learn to respect you in the process (that is if you dont get bored and frustrated and find someone more sensible- in ancient India it was the spiritual path of the Tantrik Sadhu...or what we call free lovers...
Have your fun sanely my friend.
Ommmmmm, hahahahaha....
(I am probably totally wrong, but I am trying to help and express my own understanding while looking on the bright side- so, I guess really I should say, thank you?
Daveangel.
DaveAngel on 25 March 2009 at 6:40pm said...
I guess this kinda proves women have mid-life crises too, and you are the fuel and the spice for her repressed fantasies as well as the other guy etc...
hmmm
wetwo on 26 March 2009 at 10:13am said...
Hi DaveAngel, I am the woman you speak of. I have to say, you've actually struck quite a chord with me with what you've written. It's scarily acurate. I have a guy here who loves me more than life itself and is prepared to do anything for me/us. We did have a very close and special relationship for years, and he's helped me get over so much of my crappy past, and vise versa. He made a couple of silly mistakes a few years ago which did knock my confidence in him about a bit. But i guess i have chosen to hang on these minor hiccups and turn them into something bigger and uglier than they actually are. Yes, i do seem to run away from problems rather than face them and deal with them, and i look for a way out (that's the fantasy thing i guess, always thinking i can find an easier/better life elsewhere).
At the moment i've been telling him that i don't really feel i can get back that feeling of love for him that i used to have. And i really do feel that way. No, he's not perfect, and i am aware that nobody is. But tell me, if i am a narcissist (and i have to say that after reading what you said i think i probably am), how do i get through this? Does this mean that i will never love anyone properly? ( I know i have felt real love for this guy in the past and it lasted quite a few years too.) Does this this mean that i will never be able to differentiate between real love and my fantasy of a 'perfect' life? OR could i have actually truely just fallen out of love with him, ( because there is so much of him that gets on my nerves.) ?
I always said from the beginning of our relationship that i'm good at pushing away/destroying the good things in my life. Am i destined to always do this?
Confused (for a change, lol).
DaveAngel on 26 March 2009 at 3:17pm said...
ppl are psychic and mythic and search 4 meaning- we are not all secular and rational. I think there is deep meaning and power in Narcissism. It is a bit like ADD kids- a societal trend that doesnt know how to tap latent potential... simple to say, hard 2 achieve...All narcissists are high energy and are leaders in their area of genius... women these days are not loud, controlling and extroverted enough unless they have a very understanding family/friends group (it is oft hard for N men too).
They need to figure a way to tap the energy which surges up and calls for a release in my opinion...and this energy will help them to define themselves as a person and understand innateness, limitation, possibility ra ra ultimately to lead approach leading an optimal life. Sux dont it?
COmpatibility-Tick the box;
Physical? Y/N
Emotional? Y/N
Mental? Y/N
Psychological/spiritual? Y/N
Ethical/Moral? Y/N
Social? Y/N
Whaever else? Y/N
See where i am coming from? This battle is about you /him. the other is totally your own and the one that is clogging up the flow...
My last ex was only compatible on the physical, and I yearned and burned for all the rest. Most of them are irreconcilable with us, not only because of innate diffs but bcause she is 11 yrs younger and young in mind and emotions... and she thinks I am weird and a nutter too...
You see what I am getting at? It is probably too hard 2 do the work with me and mine and have much time left 2 enjoy the rest of life so I'm thinking maybe I should cut my losses. But as you do, I at least have to say I gave it a good go...
If I could be so bold, I actually think that Narcissistic ppl dont ever fall in love in our society until after a breakdown (ppl from China are very good at channeling this energy productively...). They fall for an Ideal, a fantasy, an abstraction, a mental/emotional series of images which they hold up as the sacrament of meaning...this is the god thing too that plays out in so many ppl all aided by a liberal dose of media. As to whether god is real, that is not our problem, we just want to love another. The intuition and instincts for narcissists are not extroverted-weirdly- they are focussed in, and so though you might think you are reaping the fruits of experience it is always one step removed. Lost in the matrix/samsara/illusion kinda feeling. Normal daily life is VERY real...as u r beginning to surmise...
There is an ancient practice of sitting and staring at another person while relaxing and discussing impressions and sensations in a calm and focussed way. It is like vipassana (buddhist meditation) with one another. I would try to do this with the person you want to connect with, and shut out fantasies, instincts, intuitions and allathat (you can always go solo and have a good look in the mirror too until you become connected with the image and its changing faces before u- present finally. Then get your daily work done... (this doesnt suit many ppl by the way...but perhaps u c what I am getting at...)
The reason why I say that is N's are so obsessed with their own sensations, impressions, intuitions blah blah... that it is a recalibration in the now on one another. This is good for N's because they are not really present- even though they usually think they are so much better at it than everyone else. It is a chance to feel high on life for a while, but it is not the goal (Goal obsession is another point of fanaticism for N's). It will freak you out. but bear it and get calm and follow and trust the process if intrested.
Other than that, because we are not buddies and cant give the friend cure, I trust that if you want to find happiness and can be genuine and truthful life will break you in over time if you have expectations that are in line with the possible and reasonable. (This website is a good start)
Assessing what you dont have against what you have is part of the adventurous spirit that narcissists embody and thrive on...the journey of love is only a part of it. Theres career (vocation), personal, family, social blah blah...
Dont mistake that I dont think you should dream and plan and goal big, because I do think you should shine... I just know that a REAL HUMAN WOMAN sees necessity and realises limitation and learns eventually not to suck all the oxygen out of the room being too intense, too driven, too passionate, too focussed for the environment you are PLACED in.
I think personally it is about the way the mind focusses and drives needs and hopes- there is confusion, distortion, dissonance, and the instinctual acts without reference to the mother/father/peer/mentor/friend/associate/partner inputs we develop in life. (Why would we when we already know it all right? Hah!)
Noone can lead all the time and be right all the time- unfortunately the full blown N acts like this is not true and smashes through life- often at great cost and suffering to others- until they learn that we are a family of brothers and sisters and should love one another where best we are suited.
So your answer is in short-HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!!!!
DAVEANGEL.
Never orget that some of us ache for a connection that is only sensed and envisioned, but never let that confuse you to the point where you are alone with a phantasm of the possible, and cant do the little things necessary to make even the next step possib