Here's the dillemma, but before I begin... I am new to this forum buisness but not naive. I have read the posts put on here in response to peoples situations and I'm not shocked at the way people can condemn others and call them silly. What perhaps may enlighten them is this, where is your reaction coming from? it has obviously touched a nerve or sensitive topic and therefore science will have it that we are created with defence mechanisms! there now I can begin....
For a year and a half I have been in a very loving and close honest relationchip with a man who has a family unit already including two children. He told me that it has been unhappy for ages and that is wife is actually not interested in him. He however remains loyal to the marriage in a presence not leaving her sense but continues to have a loving relationship with me.
Many times I have confronted him and said I had better not be some sort of substitute and it is obvious from the emotions he displays that this is not so.. However, I am a single mum of a toddler and have brought up the child alone since it was four months old. The 'dad', which to me is a swear word in my house threw me out onto the streets knowing I had no family of my own to turn to, anyway that was 3 years ago and I have a place to call home now.
My dillemma is this married man is all I've ever wanted in life he touches my life in a way no other person could and I'm tired of crying over what should be a good thing.... love. I cry because he gives in to wife when she expresses he should be there for them and I for a short while am left uncontacted, it makes me feel that all the stuff we build up between us is tested at that point and I feel angry that it's being ripped away from me.
He is arguing that he feels sad for her and feels loyal to her in a sense he had children with her. Yet he is still able to leave me alone when I am a lonely mum of one whom which no man feels loyal to. I understand he is doing a good thing and should in some respects be commended for having such a responsible attitude but I don't see how this helps me as I have to continue coming second to his set up meaning some of my needs are left. does this mean a part of me is still unloved? Could I find the strength to accept what he is saying about being a hands on dad without feeling sad for myself.
Some part of me looks back to when he first came along and how I never imagined I'd be loved so beautifully and I cannot let the relationship go either as both of us feel hugely connected and attached to one another.
One thing that is pending is some results to determine whether I am currently carrying this mans fetus. shock horrer!?
No I didn't plan it or trick him, I am on the coil. amazing huh? well all will be revealed next week when the bloods tell me yes or no. All tests done with urine last week were negative but I have read on the internet that if it is an ectopic pregnancy they can come up negative and also with a regular pregnancy the same follows.
I have a very tender aching feeling in my lower abdomen and sometimes lower back and I'm hugely forgetful like I was with my first child. guess all will be revealed.
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loobyloo on 18 March 2009 at 12:37am said...
Forgive me for saying this but why are you settling for part-time love? You are worth more than this and by having this relationship with a married man your not allowing yourself to find someone who's free to love you 100%
As for all this rubbish about him only being with his wife out of loyalty is total crap. If he really loved you, he would end his relationship with his wife and settle down with you. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it. Why would he want to change anything when he has got what he wants from both the women in his life?
I hope to god that your not pregnant for your sake as you will be bringing up this mans baby on your own. Dont think for one minute he will leave his wife for you. You have had to be stong once before when your ex did the worst thing possible and you can be strong again. I know you love this man but hes not the one for you, try to find the strength to leave him so you can find a love that you dont have to keep secret.
Good luck in what you decide to do. Looby x
Anonymous on 18 March 2009 at 6:22pm said...
To the above reply; firstly thankyou for your reply and very honest point of view. I am not sure however that it is that straight cut... I hear what your saying but he is arguing that he will not betray them that way, that he looks at his wife and is feels sorry for her, he just isn't the type of guy to be able to walk out on them.
I also will not be entirely in the same position if I was to be pregnant with his child as one, he actually loves me and it cannot be a be a bad thing and he is so much more a gentle person and thoughtful person than my ex, and two, you are forgetting how will he keep his unit altogether and cosy when word is on the street he has another child with me?! yes I can be strong but perhaps not that strong as to turn away genuine love?!
He is also not that loyal to her as he is with me, so it is a responsiblity loyalty he has to her and a different sort to me. I cannot change his view on his kids he so doesn't want to be an absent father and I feel a part of me can take it and just feels sad that I wish somehow it can change for the better.
Anonymous on 23 March 2009 at 9:07am said...
So since the above posts I am still very upset and confused as to what this guy is doing in life! why he's asking what he is of me and not caring how it feels or what I want for the sake of keeping what he has already. I havn't the strength to leave it after all we have gone through over the last year and a half, was it all for nothing! his wife still hasn't threw him out he remains there and I remain here heartbroken at the thought Im still alone. I'm not strong enough to let go of the bit he does give, the love and trust me it is real Im just confused why he would put some1 he loves in such a hard place in life? HELP!!
loobyloo on 23 March 2009 at 9:29am said...
Because he is being a selfish pig! If he really truely loved you he would move heaven and earth to be with you.
Face it honey, hes never going to leave his wife for you so you HAVE to decide whether you are just going to settle for this part-time love and be unhappy or make a stand, give him an ultimatum, say 6 months to get himself together and then she what happens. You have a RIGHT to be happy.
But in the meantime start doing things that you like to do, maybe start doing a course or something, anything is better than sitting at home waiting for him to call or pop round.
We cant help who we fall in love with but you knew he was married but you still decided to go into a relationship with him. You are the other woman and i know thats a hard bitter pill to swallow. His wife holds all the cards and you will be left with nothing at the end of the day but a broken heart. I really hope that you can start to see what this man is doing to you and find the strength to put an end to it either way.
Take care, looby xx
Anonymous on 23 March 2009 at 7:53pm said...
I am trying to do something about this involving things he has said to me as the ultimater for him. like; he has said, 'maybe you should find someone who can give you what you need' that apparently 'it's a price I pay, being unhappy because he is married!' I have threw them all back his way and said well you said this so I'm taking your advice whilst you can go be with your family and wife who gives you no love or sex forever.
I'm so cross that he thinks I'm the only one with a price to pay or to accept situations, what about the other people in this?! the wife not showing affection and ruling him through the kids lives all the time knowing he is with another women for a year and a half. And then him, no price to pay?! if I go he will have to deal with all that went on without me and there will be no more me and him and he will also have to deal with the shambles of his oh so precious family unit!
sometimes I wish I could dissapear and be immune to these feelings and hard stuff I just don't want to face it, for what it's worth I love this man and I know he loves me too but it's just crap it's torment to not be able to have the guy and whats worse is knowing he is the one making this this way, what a heartbreaker!!!
Anonymous on 23 March 2009 at 8:03pm said...
I don't want a broken heart but I don't and can't stand the thought of losing all we shared in the last year, the guy has created a love prison for me, tied me up in knots good and proper and yet loved me in a way so true no other man has ever come close. he has said the same about me that I am apparently something so special and no other has made him feel this way. yet still he says he can't see a day he will leave his kids.
How does one behave this way? tormenting me with love, knowing his needs and mine are in this yet cannot face leaving them and I guess the shame he will live with forever and the pain he will cause, yet it's ok to see me aside to all that?! how is he not doing wrong right now then?
I keep wnating and saying to him I am going to take this outta his hands and leave him to her and them and then see if he still is singing the same tune. THROW AWAY the whole thing we had going and I mean deep soulful connection and love! it is going to bloody rip me apart and I cannot hear the same heartbreaking stuff anymore, yet when I go to leave MASSIVE sadness follows, with regret and such pain and longing for him to come back and love me and make it ok again! I AM TRAPPED!
Anonymous on 17 April 2009 at 11:52am said...
Welcome to the world of affairs, nobody wins in the end x I'm sure your married man and his wife are just as tormented as you but in diffenent ways. His wife probably feels isolated alone and scared not only for the deepest betrayal but for their children who have been dragged into this through no fault of their own. A man who yes probably is in love with you however feels compassion and guilt as the marriage vows in took probably ring in his ears every second. Do the right thing and move on and let them be the family they should be, put it down to experiance that affairs are painful and should be avoided at all costs, you will get over it. Read the book After the Affair by Julia Cole it will give you the a three dimentional perspective, you have to remember these situations are not black and white but very complex for all parties involved. Good Luck