I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have two beautiful children aged 8 and 6 and I love them all dearly. Due to a few insecurities I have for some reason have never taken our relationship to a level whereby my partner has felt secure and confident in me and our future, furthermore I have let my insecurities at times dominate my personality. There have been several incidents normally surrounding or should I say fuelled by alcohol, which have led to physical encounters mainly pushing and shoving, but by virtue of the fact that I am male these scenes were always dominated by me none of which I am proud of. These physical outbursts over the years have left a mental scar on my partner and I’m not sure she is able to forget or forgive thereby moving on and getting our relationship back to where it was when we first met or somewhere close. However she has stayed with me, and claims she loves me, but has no wish whatsoever to have anything sexual to do with me. It would appear that I have finally recognized the damage I have done to her and our relationship and can only pray I find a way for us to take some small steps back toward one another, although she believes that we should now part.
We live in a large house which allows us to have separate rooms at night and for my partner to continue having the children in her bed, something I have never been comfortable with, but at this time is crucial for her, and has been happening since our youngest could walk and continued so if I was ever going to make a major issue out of it now is certainly not the time.
In the past I have been jealous not only of male counterparts but also my partner’s female’s friends whom appear to get closer and share more of her affection than me. These feeling of insecurity turned to frustration and normally at times when I had drank far to much aired themselves in physical and verbal abuse. Overwhelmed by deep shame after an event and the desperate need to save our relationship I sought counselling on different levels, ‘Relate’ which I didn’t continue, ‘Anger Management’ which I did stick with for a period of 4 months and had to return some 18months later for a period of approximately 8 months. The sessions helped me greatly but as I look back now its apparent that the damage I’d done meant that WE needed counselling and I needed help in showing my partner that she could trust me and I wasn’t going to let her down again. I had at that time no idea of exactly how much damage I had actually done and like many males continued down the road of complete selfishness thinking primarily of myself, my physical needs etc. and expected that one day my partner would just turn around and say ‘ok all forgiven hop back on again’. Only now do I recognise the depths of the damage I have done and so desperate for help. My partner claims she loves me but can’t forget the things that have happened in the past and feels the only way for us to find happiness is to separate. We need help in how to move forward from this point.
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Anonymous on 17 March 2009 at 4:53pm said...
Hi. I am a female in a very similar situation to your partner. The thing that worries me about yours and my situation is that how can you guarantee that you will not do these hurtful things again? How can you be sure? And if you cannot be sure then how can she trust you again? My (ex)partner has said very similar things to you and has also been seeking help from counsellors. I do believe that this has helped but I am so scared to take the risk. I do believe that if you both love each that it is enough to hold you both together. Just an idea - maybe you could deliberately put yourself in situations where you would have in the past behaved in a very negative way. If you now behave in a postive way this might help to gain her trust. It may take years to build up the trust again and you may have to really put yourself out to prove your intentions. I think you will need to be very patient about the sexual side of the relationship - from a female point of view in a similar sitiuation I would not bring it up in conversation, I would not even view it as important at the moment. You should focus on her happiness. When she trusts that you genuinely want her to be happy and will do everything you can to make her feel happy then I think that the sexual side will fall into place.
Suptee on 18 March 2009 at 5:16pm said...
Thank you for taking the time to comment and I do fully understand what you are saying.................the damage has been done and like you say may take years to repair, that I find scary because I would like everything back the way it was when we first met NOW, that I know isnt going to happen. The scariest of all is that she believes we should part because she doesnt want a sexless life and believes at this time she cant give me what I want and feels the only way forward is to part, I don't have an answer to that and in reality even when she talks like that it totally paralyses me. I would be more than happy to give whatever time is needed because I dont desire anyone else and have no wish to be with anyone else and think everything should be done to save our relationship, I'm just not sure that she feels the same anymore although she does say she loves me. With regard to putting ourselves in a situation where I have behaved negatively in the past this has been done and not a problem, but I can only say the memories of the past obvioulsy still haunt her and and find it very confusing when she says she still loves me because I look for some how ever small it be sign that maybe one day we will be able to be as we once were...........or do we ask to much of each other.