I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. We love each other and get on amazingly well. However...he doesn't initiate sex with me. In the day he can be all over me, hugging and kissing me,holding my hand, saying how pretty I look and how attractive he thinks I am. This is all very well but I wish he'd show it in the bedroom!
When we do have sex (usually initiated by myself) he finds it difficult to have an erection for more than ten minutes. I feel this is the root of the problem and is why he doesn't initiate sex with me. We'vespoken about this many times trying to get to the root of the problem but with no luck! The funny thing is that throughout the day, he has no difficulty getting erect, but when it comes to having sex...this is another matter.
A big problem now is that when I feel in the mood for sex I tend to fantasise about otherpeople, including one of my exes who I was very sexually active with. I feel guilty for doing this, but find it difficult to fantasise about my current boyfriend as we hardly have sex!!!
Please can someone offer me any advice about how to talk to my boyfriend about sex, how to make out relationship bit more spicy and whether I'm a bad person for fantasising and thinking about my ex sometimes!! My relationships at the moment is going brilliiantly in every department apart from this...
I'd really appreciate your comments,
Thanks
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Anonymous on 11 March 2009 at 6:43pm said...
I had a very similar problem. What I did was, i ignored him for a couple of days. Only did a kiss here and there, then just simply wear something that makes you sexy or standout. Do something thats subtle but noticable. I watched porn with him, he liked it, i was fine with it. If you are not into that than i advise not doing that, he'll think you do like it!!! some girls do some girls dont.
But ignore him, i guess hold out for a bit. He will notice and want to have sex. Flaunt yourself in from of him.
I iniciated sex ALL the time. I just simply ignored him about sex and it seemed to work for me.
For talking to him---Go to the sex store. Pick out some outfits, gadgets, lotions, etc. Then when your are buying/looking for sex things, talk about it, talk about sex, youre already on the subject right?
its awkward at first, it was for me when i started dating my BF.
does that help?
Anonymous on 11 March 2009 at 9:39pm said...
Thank you, it really does. I love him and I'm 100% willing to work through it, but it's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone. With regard to thinking about my ex, I have no desire to be with him at the moment but when it comes to sex, I do tend to think about him as we were very sexually active and experimental. I really want to associate being turned on with being with my boyfriend and not my ex, if you know what I mean!!! I do feel guilty about it though...do you think this is natural? I think it;s justa case of associating being aroused with my boyfriend.
Thanks again, your comment really helped. :)
Anonymous on 12 March 2009 at 9:56am said...
Could you go together to the GP? Holding an erection for 10 mintues and then losing it could be a sign of a medical problem. Getting him there won't be easy, but it may be of great benefit!
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/erectile-dysfunction/Pages/Introduction.aspx?url=Pages/what-is-it.aspx
Him not wanting sex is probably pretty normal if he's embarrased that he may lose his erection.
Good luck!
Anonymous on 03 April 2009 at 8:13am said...
Hi there, I have been having a similar issue of late. 7 months roughly... and very similar issue in the last month. I have often felt I have a higher libido but I do also think there is something more to this. How did you get on with the advice you have received?
louise85 on 03 April 2009 at 6:51pm said...
hello
i have simular situation, i have been with my bloke for 4 years and until 6 months ago we had an amazing relationship and could`nt keep our hands off eachother most of the time! he initites sex all the time but i have just lost my sex drive completley and have lost all confidence i just hate myself at the moment,
but we have been under a lot of stres over the last 6 months mainly due to money and its realy upsetting me as we are now the opperssite to what we were and i feel like we are stuck in a rut
we have gone from talking about everything beng loving and honest to agueing about everything and being snappy.
what i`m trying to say is have you asked him if he is under any stress or maybe he should visit a gp as it may be medical
Anonymous on 04 April 2009 at 2:21am said...
oh wow you just described my situtation!! Its funny cuz now i am just so mad at my bf that he couldn't get erected its not even funny...he does tell me that he is attracted to me and that i look hot but when it comes time for us to have sex he can't get an erection its so frustrating...if u find a solution plz tell me
DaveAngel on 04 April 2009 at 3:07am said...
To you upstairs...I suggest shouting at and berating your bofriend because he has a physiological problem is callous in the extreme and is psychological abuse.
Its a bit like yelling at a blind person because he doesnt know what colour is, or a paraplegic for not walking unaided to the shop to get 'u' milk...
I am appalled frankly,
daveangel.
Anonymous on 08 April 2009 at 10:42am said...
ugh same here. it can get so depressing and even lower my self esteem. i have alot of admirers and many would love to have sex with me a million times a day lol but my own boyfriend the one guy that i want doesnt. tonight he told me it was too late. the day before it was because his thing soposadly hurt then day before was because he was tired i dont know what to do!!!!! i'm a very passionate person and need sex and hurts me deeply when my boyfriend has rejected me numerous times! he tells me hes attracted to me he kisses me here and there but when i try to start anything i get rejected! i really dont want to move on or find a guy that will want me but things are getting so hard. we've been together for two years and a half i'm 21 he's 22 and we just started living together.
Anonymous on 18 April 2009 at 5:57am said...
I've been with my boyfriend for only 2 months now. But I'm having like the same situation.. My Boyfriend is super super awesome, but when it comes to sex, he feels like he can't sex me.. he loves to watch porno and stuff..
He always says that he wants me, and that I'm super Hot. etc etc. he kisses me a lot.. We can cuddle the whole day but when it comes to sex, I feel like he's not feeling confident.. He always says, "I don't wanna dissapoint you".. I don't understand, because his penis is not small at all, then why is he so scared to dissapoint me. He always says, "I'm gonna come like in 2 minuts". and I don't wanna dissapoint you...
We never really had sex before.. well maybe its too soon for him.. I don't know. But sometimes it seems like he really wanna sex me up. but when it comes to that point, he doesn't want to. He can get a erection the whole day when he's kissin me and stuff. but why can't he have sex then?? I'm so confused.
I just need an answer. Because I'm so confused right now. and I really want him.. he's a super nice guy.
DaveAngel on 18 April 2009 at 8:37am said...
Tell him to pull out and keep it slow if it is too intense for him.
Even if you guys take it slow for five hours he will eventually build up his resistance to coming.
When I make love to my beautiful and sexy partner sometimes she is really overwhelming and I come straight away. This doesnt satisfy her so we kiss for a while and play around and I help her to get deeply in the mood and then the downstairs guy gets excited and wants her.
Usually I can work into long and hardcore love making for a few hours until she is spent and wants to sleep.
Take it ssllooww first!!!
daveangel.
DaveAngel on 18 April 2009 at 8:52am said...
Oh, and I dont know what kind of guy emotionally he is but some interesting stuff I used to notice when I was younger was that I could meet a woman and have casual sex which was pretty much 'porno'. Although I thought it was cool at the time that kind of sex and sexual expectation was not appropriate or suitable to a developing relationship.
I had to learn to show love and tenderness and affection and deep committed passion.
When I met some girls and wanted to take it further in bed, if it was no love and all porno I became jaded and felt like there wasnt emotional depth, intimacy and special communication.
With my beloved we do both depending on the mood and they go together and make it all so much more fulfilling for her- and me.
Last time we had sex I was tired and had been drinking two nights in a row. I couldnt get hard. We still were burning for love so she grinded up and did a good job of coming to climax in the end. She felt no pressure to comment and thought 'oh well' we have alot of options.
I will do anything to please my woman/it is mutual, we work it out and stay committed to intimacy. Even if I am a volcano and she is tired she will come to meet me and I will try to work to make her feel chill and dreamy...Her work ethic in bed is not always in sync with my work ethic, but we generally go the extra mile for one another...
Hope this helps from guyland,
Daveangel.
Anonymous on 22 April 2009 at 7:20pm said...
I understand what everyone is saying, and me and my fiance have been together for over 5 years now, in the beginning, first year was great, then it just slowly started going downhill from there. We could not keep our hands off each other that first year and even did it 2 or 3 times a day, then. all of a sudden he just "GOT TIRED" every night, it is still like that to this day, i have tried everything in the world to make our sex happen. Like others here have said he has no problem getting erect throughout the day, but when it comes down to having sex he is tired, or it is too late, or just whatever excuse he can come up with. I have tried talking to him many times, but that is our problem, he doesn't even want to talk about it, he says "There is no problem, i'm just tired" or he will say "TOMORROW" then tomorrow will come, and i will be all hot because i have to wait all the time, so when he tells me tomorrow im thinking about it all day tomorrow, but it will come to time to have sex and he will be tired or "TOMORROW" will come up all over again. i don't know what to do.I hae tried to get him to just go get his testosterone checked, just to cancel that out, but he thinks there is NO problem, so he won't go!!!! I don't know what else to do.
Anonymous on 23 April 2009 at 7:02am said...
I have the same problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. I question, "Is he not attracted to me?" "Is he gay?" "Does he just not enjoy sex?" He doesn't have a problem getting aroused is what is so frustrating. He can get a boner but he claims he is just "too tired" to have sex. If I do not initiate sex then he absolutely WILL NOT. He can go months without having sex. He pleases me emotionally and is an amazing boyfriend, but I think, "If he wants to make me so happy then why can't he please me sexually?" It's so frustrating. He does have to wake up at 5 a.m. for work, but when I'm tired I can still have sex. Also, he has the oppurtunity to initiate it during the day and he never does. I feel like I am pressuring him to have sex with me. It hurts me so much because I love him and can't imagine life without him but he makes me feel unsatisfied and heartbroken every night we turn out the lights and he rolls over and passes out.
Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 23 April 2009 at 9:58am said...
Many of the posters on this thread have identified the same difficult proble, which can really eat away at a relationship. I wonder whether any of you have considered going to counselling together to get some help with this? There may be an underlying issue that needs talking through in a safe environment (for example there can be an expectation in our society today that all blokes are ever-ready for sex and all know just how to please their partner - if he doesn't feel like that he could be feeling very anxious!) - or it could be useful to learn some basic techniques for making the whole sex thing more relaxed and taking the pressure off both of you to "perform". Your counsellor would be unshockable and well used to dealing with this type of problem in a relationship - see www.marriagecare.org.uk or www.relate.org.uk for access to counselling. Good luck to all of you, hope you are able to work this through with your partners.
Anonymous on 23 April 2009 at 11:36am said...
Thank god I am not the only one. I have been married for 7 months now and it seems like he is not that into me. He gets an erection at 5 am, while he is sleeping, but when it comes down to having sex with me, there is NOTHING. I tried kissing him and everything , but NOTHING. I am getting mad, but I don;t feel like talking about it anymore.
I don't want to sound arrogant, but I am really atractive and I have never experienced this before. On top of it, our sex life is NOT amazing. I had better before, but I love him and I am happy with him on so many different levels, that sex thing wasn't the most important thing to me. So knowing that he isn't the best I had so far, I felt like I was the one who was setteling in that departmant.....I don't know. I have tried everything. One day he told me, that he would love to see me always walking in the heels at home, ... so I do it. I cook with heals, I clean up the house in my sexy heals.. and at this point I am tired of it.
After all that, I found out that he lived with 2 GIRLS at one point in his life ( he is 34 years old, and that was going on, when he was 27). WOW, I was shocked, jealous and now that he has problems with erection I am going crazy. He told me numerous times, that that whole thing was an experience, which he oesn't want and if he wanted it, than he would have stayed in a relationship like that etc.
I understand that there are times, when your sex drive goes down..., but after being together for a year and being married for couple of months and this is already happening, than.....Grrr, I am really mad, really, really mad and not just because of sex, sex, but because of my self esteem. I can be without sex, but not having the feeling of being wanted, really kills me.
Starting today, I will ignor or try to have sex. There will be no more heels... It takes two to tamgo and I sure won't be pulling my part of the deal, just to see his penis asleep all the time.
I am angry :-(
Anonymous on 24 May 2009 at 8:27pm said...
I am a 26 year old male and love my 22 year old girl friend. It hurts me to always want to be with another girl because she wont have sex with me more than twice a month(it is just not enough for me). We are now going onto 2 years together and have been togetehr nearly everyday in those 2 years. I think we have spent too much time together but we have become very attached.
In the first 3 months we had sex more than once a day and was amazing and I could never come for the first month. Then after 6 months I would come very quikly because she knew exactly what to do to me and I felt embarressed but never cared enough to stop wanting sex with her. I started making her orgasm everytime with my fingers and then we would have sex which she enjoyed much more. Now I always have to finger her before we have sex and seems routine because she asks me everytime. Last time we had sex she told me ok because you have waited long enough and intially said 'tomorrow'. Made me think?
The main problem is that she will not have sex more than 3 times a month with me and is sending me insane. I told her that i need more sex atleast once every two days and says that she just doesnt feel like it all the time. I am now sitting up at 3 am in the morning thinking I want to leave her after all this time. I cannot live like this anymore, although I love her so much. I have resorted to porn everyday and I hide away where ever I can so I can realease myself. It is really annoying me especially when i ask her all the time and have given up making a move. I know she aint cheating because we are together all the time but obviously there may be a bigger problem when I think about being with other girls now. When we have sex, I want to have sex the next morning too but the thing is she will not. She says that she leaks from her vagina for a few days after we have sex and mabey this is why she doesnt want to have sex.
Could someone answer me if they think it is boredom of routine orgasms with my fingers and then sex. Is it that we have been togetehr everyday for 2 years or is it that she is lazy and just doesnt feel like it or she is not attracted to me although she still cuddles kisses and grabs everything except my you know what unless she wants sex. Im so confused and am thinking about breaking up with her, although I dont want to because sex isnt everything. She is so nice and kind to me and very pretty to me. I am scared of cheating on her because I dont want to be like other guys that cheat and break her heart. I would never want to if she would have sex with me once every few days. she doesnt masturbate at all which shows she must have low sex drive. I am thinking this is why nice guys finish last and would hate to be cheated on after putting up with low amount of sex at my age.
Bubblegirl on 16 June 2009 at 10:12pm said...
I'm almost 30. I've been going out with my bf for 6 years.
We havent had sex. I've asked for sex. He just doesn't want it. I find myself thinking of having sex with other people, but I dont' want my first time to be 'meaningless'. But I am very fustrated with my bf. There are so many things I am so not happy with him - like him acting like a teenager, no career drive, no job, being a mother's boy and doesn't want sex.
He's my best friend. I am scared that if I end this relationship, I wont be able to find another guy..I'm not the hottest girl there is out there...and guys usually go for the hot ones.
Help?
CharlotteLove on 06 July 2009 at 7:10pm said...
I am in the same situation as a lot of you guys. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been together about 9 months, but only seem to have sex about once a month - which isn't really enough for me. He has either had too much wine or back aches or he is really tired, although that has been his excuse the last week although he still manages to go for a 3mile run!
I don't get extremely horney all the time, sex for me is about closeness and intimacy. He initiated the first time we had sex, but since then he really doesn't seem to want to have sex. He loves bj's, and comes really easily from those and doesn't loose his erection. I don't think he has been with thay many girls, I think perhaps I am only the second girl he has ever slept with, so I don't really think he knows what he is doing. He probably lacks confidence, he shouldn't! When we do have sex he is amazing, and i've told him this!
Does anyone have any good ways of initiating or showing him what to do without being patronising or making him feel inadequate? It is really starting to affect our relationship.
Please help! thanks!
troubled28 on 29 July 2009 at 9:06pm said...
Hi Everyone
I am in the same situation after an 11 year relationship with my husband. We are very close, the best of friends and are cuddly and loving the majority of the time. But, when it comes to our sexual relationship we just differ so much, I have a very high sex drive, whereas he can go for months without giving it so much as a thought. We have removed the tv out of the bedroom as he is a telly addict, but like tonight he is now sat downstairs watching a film and I am sat alone upstairs. I so desperately want us to start a family, but if he doesn't want to even have sex what hope have we got.
He won't open up to me, I know he occassionally struggles to maintain an erection, but all he ever says is he has "hang ups" - what's that supposed to mean?
i am with the girl upstairs, what is the best way of initiating sex or introduce new things with out making him feel terrible?
Anonymous on 30 July 2009 at 10:24am said...
Hi troubled,
I'm not sure if my partner has a low sex drive, or if he just doesn't think about initiating sex, however, we only have sex when I try it on - making it obvious for a bit of time, until he's thinking in that mood.
I initiate by saying it bluntly (hopefully in a nice way), by putting his hand on my skin, or flirting heavily with him throughout an evening, then suggesting an early night.
It seems to work quite well I think - worth a try?
postitnote on 04 December 2009 at 10:13pm said...
Hi everyone, its comforting to know other people are in the same boat. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and two months. When we first got together sex was new to me, he was not a virgin. Sex was not great, but he always satififed me but when it came to sex he could not last at all. He used to start sex alot and that gave me great confidence. I soon bought sexy lingerie and it drove him crazy. But he till could not last very long , lasting about two minutes. I researched methods to help him stop himself but nothing worked he just got more and more fustrated. We still have sex now but i have to start sex EVERYTIME. It drives me crazy because he says he 'cant be bothered to have sex'. He even sometimes says he cant be bothered with our relationship.I think to myself why should i stay with him when he cant be bothered with me? Men are interested in me and i sometimes think about leaving him to find someone who does 'want me'. He has had depression before in the past and i notice at certain time of the year he will start feeling down and roll straight back into a short depression. No matter how we try to talk about it he refuses to go to the doctors for his depression.He wont acknowledge it at all. Lately we have been arguing alot and we broke up, i suggested a break and the very next day he text me apologising and said he wanted this relationship. I feel like im hitting myself with a hammer all the time and the only solution is to end it and stop the pain. But i love him and we have a such a laugh when where together. It feels great to talk bout this and finally let it out. The bottling it up kills you doesnt it?! I think i will try the 'hints but not suggesting or starting sex' and see how that goes. Anybody had great sucess with that? POStITNOTE needs help
Scott-Tiger on 23 March 2010 at 11:27am said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
Due to Global Warming and overall increase of Radiation Levels in the atmosphere, it has been noticed that an alarming number of men have lost their erectile strength... for that use herbal viagra type medicine (deleted medical details) has been shown to make a senile cobra fully loaded and hooded to strike in a second... :P
jokes apart...
see i'm a guy, and i really love my girlfriend. But i couldnt perform a few times earlier because i just couldnt think of her in a 'sexual way'. As, in i watch a lot of porn but whenever i used to get into sex with her the image of pornstars used to come in my mind. I just LOVED her SO MUCH i felt guilty like thinking of her and thus my whole libido just became whatever...
SO what i did was, i started to fantasize of other women, etc etc while doing with her... and lo it worked, seriously it may be sad but AS a guy thats what I DID. I love her, but sex is sex, its important. How important it is can be seen by these posts of all of you. Its psychologically maybe weird BUT thats a quick fix alternative. Tell your boyfriend to think of Catherine Zeta Jones or watch porn while having it....
Anonymous on 28 March 2010 at 2:30am said...
In all relationships, there is a low desire partner and a high desire partner for EVERYTHING (saving money, friends ,cleaning..and SEX). The LDP will ALWAYS control when, where, how, and the style of the sex. You cannot change this. As for maintaining an erection, most people seriously underestimate the role of anxiety in sex...pick up the book 'Passionate Marriage' by Schnarch and read it carefully.