Help,
My wife recently announced to me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I was devastated. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming, as she had warned me on several occasions that my behaviour was driving her away from me.
The final talk we had when she made the announcement was very calm, where I asked her to give our life one more try, but she says it’s not in her. We talked about the options of divorce, trial separation, counselling, open marriage, and she prefers trial separation to sort her head out, and possibly get to miss me. I got a bit upset, where she said that nothing is decided yet.
We have been married for 16 years and have 3 children who are all at school. I’ve seen to a relationship counsellor last week, which was good. My wife was inquisitive, but gave no indication of her thoughts on this.
I am quite a controlling person, and therefore she feels suffocated by me. I am 200% committed to changing my behaviour and know I have to demonstrate this. I have started giving her loads of space by not phoning, texting or checking up on her. No arguments since, and I have tried to woo her with small romantic gestures without being full on. I am not doing any begging or constantly telling her I love her
We are still living together, but the intimacy has dried up save for a kiss in the morning and a few kisses in bed at the end of the day. I give her hugs and kisses which she responds to, but it is me who is doing all the driving.
We have been getting on well since the announcement, but there are occasions when she is quiet and distant, which is unnerving.
In the time leading up to the announcement, she had showed no interest in our house, but since our talk, she has started buying new furniture and décor etc. (she knows if we split, we will have to sell the house)
I don’t think there is a 3rd party, but I can’t rule this out.
I am basically taking 1 day at a time, but it is really difficult. We don’t speak about the situation or our future. I’m scared to hope that we may have reconciliation, as this will almost be a double whammy for me.
Can anyone help on what to do and not to do? What are my chance of success, and what are the current signs I am receiving.
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Anonymous on 27 October 2008 at 6:01pm said...
Flubber - not sure I can help but I can definitely identify with you 100%. My wife and I are going through almost exactly the same as you both after 20 years of marriage. We have just started to go to counselling and this seems to be working. I would definitley try and sound out with your wife whether she would consider this. I don;t think there is anything on this site that can help - we've gone past what it is offering.
All the best mate,
Kevin
Anonymous on 28 October 2008 at 8:14am said...
Thanks Kevin
Justapuppy on 28 October 2008 at 5:35pm said...
Hi Flubber,
I agree with Kevin, counselling could be a really good idea as a way of you resolving some of your issues together - and a way of helping you both how you got to this point, and how you might be able to get back from it.
It's hard to read into the signs you've told us about - as you seem to read it, she could be doing up the house to improve chances of selling it, but actullay I saw it more like, she's investing in your home together. Or she could just be fed up of how it looked before!
It's great that you acknowledge that you are controlling, and that you're diong what you can to work on this, that could well be how you're getting on better since her announcement of all of this.
I really hope you can keep working on this, please keep us informed of how it's giong - I really feel for you in this situation!
Anonymous on 09 December 2008 at 3:41pm said...
Hi, sorry to put a dampner on the thought of he 'wanting to do up the house or invest in yous' Sound to me like she is investing in the house and the house alone. She is not going to continue with your marriage and is prepairing for its final steps to divorce court. It so sound like she is making sure its hers for then and has the proof of it.
However, it has been a few months since your post and i do hope i am wrong. Just it was the first thing that i thought of after reading your post. 16 years is a long time to put up with the best of things and an awful long time for your wife to have changed around you and you haven't even noticed. You cant controll how people feel. You struggle controlling yourself!
You said you saw it coming yet did nothing to change it. Clearly you didnt want it that much.
Anonymous on 12 December 2008 at 7:07pm said...
I am married to a man as self obsessed and righteous as you sound. Have you ever asked your wife what she wants from you and why your behaviour is driving her away? She must have put up with years of horrid behaviour from you to get to this. Ask yourself whether you always put your career first, do you help round the house? Are you tidy? Are you controlling? Do you help with the cleaning? ar do you go out on weekends with the lads without a thought for her looking after the kids again? Do you show her any affection - at all never mind have sex. If you dont have sex do you put up shelves or do DIY? If not it is easy to see why she wants shot of you...
Women are sick of fitting in with mens lives we are not in the 1940's grow up, be a new man ask what she wants. If you can't give it leave and let her find someone who will make her happy
Anonymous on 27 December 2008 at 9:59pm said...
well said ! I totally agree with the above commenter.
Anonymous on 09 February 2009 at 8:15am said...
my husband of 9 years has done exactly the same thing. I am trying to give him space, but we have 2 small children, we are going to try a marraige intensive workshop even though my husband says there is no hope for regaining his feelings for me.
bluelady on 28 October 2009 at 12:08pm said...
I'm feeling like I too am going to have this conversation soon. I have thought about asking my other half if he loves me/is in love with me directly but this would be too suggestive I think! It's so difficult to function with all this in your head. Can you talk to anyone face to face at all? Just having another person to listen to you can help gather a bit of strength. Try and do some positive things for yourself, no matter how small. If your partner is not coming across how you'd like them to, then be your own best friend for a while, treat yourself with kindness and try and tell yourself some common sense. Can you take yourself completely out of this situation for a while? I went to a job interview which made me focus on something else and gave my heart and brain a break from it all. Best of luck.