I am very confused right now as don't know what I should do with my current relationship.
I am a 38-yr-old woman, married with 2 teenage girls. But I broke up with my husband and moved out of our lovely house 8 months ago. I believe that the break-up is due to the fact that I met this guy last year while I was working briefly in his company.
I really believe destiny and fate. I used to work for a very nice small company for almost 3 years before I decided that it was time to change as I needed a qualified accountant to sign my log-book in order to be qualified. So I changed job and joined this company where I met this guy who I am seeing at the moment as he is the managing director of this company.
Our affair did not start until I left his company as both of us are professional people and do not believe it was good thing to happen while we are colleagues, even though it was on different level and department. I think he toke the courage to ask me out first during the Christmas party as I've never set my eyes on any men who I am working with as I don't like office romance and never be tamped by it.
During the time I worked in his company, I was very unhappy as I found out the golden opportunity about moving into this company has never been there. So shortly I decided that I want to move on and handed my notice in after been there only 2 months. So in Christmas party when this guy showed great interest in me which make me feel very flattering. As a woman in my age and also being a minority race, I never know that I am still be attractive to men at all. He never really showed me anything inappropriate while I was working in his company which I really respect him for that.
At the time my marriage was on the rock as my hushand and I did not communicate at all apart from arrangement about the kids. We were kind of living in seperate life even though we were under the same roof. I think because we have been married for far too long-16 years, as we married very young, I was 21 and he was 22 and also I was pregnant so we needed to get married.
Therefore, when this guy first invited me for lunch after the Xmas Party(which it was also my last day working in his company), I went for it with excitement and we did quite enjoyed the lunch together, and later on he dropped me back home in his brand new posh car. He tried to show me some affectionate gesture while I was in his car, ie, holding my hand and looked at me in a passionate way. I was feeling excited and guilty for what I have done, so I took a step back and not responding to his gesture. He wanted to kiss me before I got out his car but I only allow him to have a peck on my cheek. And there was it before we were kind of know we might not see each other again as I did not give him any hint that I would like to see him again.
So just few days after Christmas, he texted to wish me to have a great new year. I was very happy to hear from him as I thought we won't contact any more. So I replied and wish him to have a great one too. By that time, I knew I was kind of missing his affection as I was feeling quite low during Christmas period. So when he invited me to visit him in his house day after boxing day, I was looking forward. but then he was kind of informing me that he has a living partner which was a big blow to me. I tried to flight to stay away from him as I kept telling myself this is not right. But at the end I gave in to the devil side of mine as the excitement was far too great to persuade myself to stay put. So I went as we arranged, and I thought it was only a fling and my life was so dull and miserable, I really want some excitement as life is far too short to always being miserable. (just before Xmas I lost a friend whose death was so so sudden).
We had great sex as I had not had sex for almost a year, and almost forget how wonderful sex it is as I always thought I hate it and never felt enjoyment at all. I felt I only did it with my hushand as it was my duty to be a wife, and afterward I hated myself doing it.
So we both explored the fulfillment and excitement and everything goes with it on the first night we spent together. Just like me, he told me that he had not had sex with his partner for a long time as well, so we made passionate love. But we both agreed that this was only lust and nothing more as both of us did not want anything to break up our own personal commitment, my family and his partner.
We met up again twice before I decided to go on a holiday with my hushand and tried to give another chance to our 16 years marriage. But I lied to this guy that I went on a holiday with friends. I don't why I lied but I did. The holiday was good as going to Epyt was one of my childhood dream, but it did not improve my relationship with my hushand at all even though I did tried to get intimate with him. So I thought that was it, nothing can really save our marriage and I also felt so so guilty towards him when I face him. Soon after the holiday, I told my hushand that I had been unhappy for a long time, and asked him whether he was happy as our marriage concerned apart from the children issues as both of us love our child very much and cannot live without them. He replied that he was unhappy too and did not feel any love between us despite all those sessions we went to the relate, it did not really help our relationship. We were kind of drifting apart naturally and did not fancy each other as a hushand and wife any more.
This revealation really put me into a way of thinking there is no point to stay in a relationship just for the sake of our lovely girls. They also witness the resentment between their parent in a loveless relationship. I really don't want them to learn that stay in such relationship is the right thing and just put up with any unhappiness in their future as I believe everyone deserve to be happy.
So I decided to move out and moved into a friend's house for the time being and thinking that might give myself time and space to think through all the problems properly and find a way out and move on with my life. It was definitely a good intention but thing turned out quite differently. I have not been living on my own for the last 18 years, so I felt so so lonely and despair and anxious about what the future hold for me being single again.
Perhaps that was the reason I was kind of seeing this guy more, we met up for lunch and when I landed myself a new job in Feb this year, we met even more often for lunch as our offices are very close by. We stayed at hotel about twice a month and we were still very much into each other in terms of sexually excitement. I told him about my seperation and also assured him that I should not be the burden on him and any time one of us do not want to see each other then we will just finish and no string of hassels or anything like that. He agreed and understood.
So we continued seeing each other on this term until he bough his apartment near the city where we both work. His reason for this apartment as he was sick to travel in/out from his partner's house somewhere far from his job, he just wanted somewhere close by when his partner is away on duty as her job involves a lot short travelling and he does not want to stay in an empty house while she's away. That sounded perfect to me as I felt guilty going to stay in hotel even they were posh ones. I knew we were cheating, but do not like to put it openly for other people to see or suggest.
At first we were kind of staying in his apartment once a week. I did not care much for this "fling" at first as I know that it would end one day and it was not going to last. I was not prepare to go into another relationship as I have not properly sorted out my own problem, and at the time I just want some fun and a bit of attention every now and then. So this "fling" suited me in every way and I kept telling myself that do not get emtional involved in this. I was feeling a bit happier myself which I had not been feeling this way for so long.
Now into mid-October, we are still seeing each other, and we spend more and more time in his apartment. For the last month, we almost spent 4 evenings each week there. This is not a "fling" any more to me, I am shock that I started getting emotional involved and so does he. I did tried to break it off twice and being honest with him by telling him that there is no future in this, he said I should start having faith in him and me. But I don't know, I am very confused and hate the feeling not being able in control of my own emotions. I started looking into his phone and saw msg he sent to his partner when she's away. Sometimes I had to endeavour their telephone conversation while he was with me which made me feel sad in a way and hate the position that I put myself into.
He never say he love me, but keep telling me how much he care about me, and even hate himself putting me in this situation as once we were out and one of his friend just walked into the same restaurant and saw us having intimate conversation, and he was shock and so did I and I just walked out of the restaurant and he briefly greeted his friend and came out to catch me, and telling me how much he care for me and really doesot want to break it off with me and hate himself not having the courage to sort things out with his partner. I did believe him for that as I do feel that he does care for me, but I don't know about myself, I still not believing that we will have a future together as he is 20 year older than me and I cannot explain any of these to my family back home. I am afraid to face up with all the hurdles that lay in front of me if I really want this relationship work. Also I never think he would leave his partner and whether I do want him to do so, I really really do not know as I can not promise him anything right now. And he is kind of sense it himself.
Now he is on holiday with his partner for a couple of weeks, I did say that it's good he is away with her and this period of time we can re-assess our feeling for each other and whether we should continue seeing each other. But he replied to me that he has not changed his mind and really and truly want to see me very soon, so just the day before he went, he even came to the apartment to meet me for a couple of hours to reassure me that I am the most important person in his life right now and even he's away, he'll be thinking of me lots and want me to stay in his apartment while he's not there, he said he like knowing me being in his place. But why???? I really don't get it!!!
Totally lost myself now!!! Need urgent advice before he comes back.
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Anonymous on 27 October 2008 at 11:43am said...
You left your husband because the relaitonship was't good - why on earth do you think settling to be teh 'other woman' will make you any happier?
I really think you need to get away from this man - he leaves you feeling confused, and isolated. You can't talk to your family (and friends?) honestly about what you're doing, and therefore can't get the support you need after ending such a long marriage.
Please please stop letting this man betray his wife, his children and you!
Anonymous on 27 October 2008 at 5:51pm said...
This post is the most ridiculous thing I have read for a long time. How stupid you are. I agree with the last person - get out of this man's claws and stop being so pathetic. Just re-read what you have written to see how banile and ridiculous you are being. You have said nothing in your exhaustive post about the impact of all this on your husband and two teenage daughters - you are extremely selfish.
Anonymous on 29 October 2008 at 11:19am said...
Well, that last message made me so angry I just had to write in to give you some support.
Of course you're not stupid - you may have made one or two poor decisions, but we all do that. It is clear from your original message that you gave a lot of thought to your husband and family and did a lot to try to save your relationship, including going to counselling. Your husband agreed that the relationship gave him nothing either, so what you did wasn't selfish. It is very understandable that you responded to someone who offered you the affection and appreciation as a woman that you'd been denied for so long.
It sounds as if this new relationship might have been very good for you in the beginning, re-establishing your belief in yourself as an attractive and lovable person, but now you need something more. Perhaps you're looking for a real relationship in which you can be wholly committed in a way that hasn't proved possible so far.
I don't see any reason why you can't share this thinking with your lover. If he doesn't choose to enter such a relationship with you (and given his track record he seems unlikely to), he should at least understand your need and not stand in your way. But, whatever he says, the current situation sounds as if it might suit him very well and he'll always be tempting you to return to it. You'll need to be strong to achieve change.
So maybe my advice isn't so very dfferent from the last person's. The difference is that I admire your courage and trust you to make the right decision for yourself.
Best of luck - you deserve it.
missrosy on 30 October 2008 at 4:09pm said...
I agree with the not the last comment but the one before that.
To be honest you are 38 not 12, you really sound like a love sick teenager. I am not attacking you but merely saying what it sounds like to me. After all only you really know!
It does make me really mad though that women or men are happy to be "The other person". Because affairs couldn't exist if there were not people such as yourself. Affairs cause so much hurt and upset and they are very rarely worth it.
Get a grip and get some self respect. Get rid of this man that is using you and do something for yourself.
The last post referred to your man as your "Lover" that is all he is. You have had your head turned, or a mid life crisis whatever but you need to stop this now, as not only you will get hurt but alot of other people too and that is a very selfish act on your part.
Good luck I hope you can find some happinness and your husband and girls too.
Anonymous on 31 October 2008 at 9:25pm said...
Thanks for all the comments and advices apart from the second one who really verbally attacked or accused me of something which it is not true!
If I am the person as how you described me as being the most selfish and ridiculous person, I am so sorry to tell you that I am not!? I still love my daughters and do all I can to be the responsible and loving mother as I have always been there for them, more than what my husband has done!!!? I did not mention that my husband actually did left us 10 years ago for almost 2 years, I was alone bringing up 2 young children living in this foreign country!? Did I take him back? Did I try to save our family? Yes I did!? Just for the sake of our daughters as I didn't want them to be in a broken family!!!?
Throughout my life, I always try to make everyone happy as I always want to be living in a peaceful environment which leads to think about my own happiness the least!? But when you're reaching the age of 38, I started to question myself whether what I have done is worthy, if I am not really happy, how can it be to make people around me to be happy!? That's the reason I made my decision to move out of my house not because of this guy whom I'm seeing now.? Before my action, I explained to my daughters the reason and get their support and they still love me even though they did not know about this other guy as I had no intention to hurt my girls' feeling as they might think that I left home for this other person, but which that was not my intention and reason at all.
I know that I entered into my current relationship is not the right thing for me to do as I did mention how guilty I feel.? If I am as selfish as you said, why would I be bother to even feel guilty and post this to try to get some advice from this discussion section!!!? Besides, this is my first real relationship apart from my husband in my life so far!!!
As its name - the discussion room to talk it out, I really do not think your comments are very appropriated at all, you turn something called "discussion" into personally attack!? People post their story or situation here to seek help and advice, surely they're quite desperate and feeling very low about themselves and in their situation, they really do not need anyone to attack them further!!!? However, I respect the freedom of speech in this country, I will take all the comments as I chose to post my? Story on this website and I was seeking urgent advice to help me out of my emotion turmoil which I did not intent to put myself in!
Many thanks again for taking time out to offer me the advices (or even attacks)!
Anonymous on 06 November 2008 at 2:15pm said...
Some ppl diserve what they get, they really do. This was a mess from the beginning and no matter how much advice you give them, some ppl just dont understand how to handle themselvs and will always do things similar to the above. The had a boring marrige, now she is being used by some old guy who is bored of his wife and as she has wasted the last 16 years in a dead end relationship she now seeks entertainment.
Let me guess, daughters are old enough to do their own thing, mama has been bored for the last 16 years and its about time she has fun? Maybe, maybe not. Its never too late for it, but whatever age you are at, the person on the post above is a walk over, a muppet, sorry darling.
Please do not give her any advice as she will do this again and again and again to make up for the years she has lost, no matter what you tell her. Its a personality trend.
Anonymous on 06 November 2008 at 4:44pm said...
Hey - don't be so mean! If she wants a bit of happiness that's up to her, I'm not sure that the situation is making her happy, but it's her choice.
Yes she's got kids to think of, but there is no reason to attack her - what she needs more than anything is space to think it out herself, figure out what she's feeling, and to work out whether what she's doing is right for her
Frances
Anonymous on 11 November 2008 at 3:23am said...
CRAZY WOMAN IF YOU GIVE LOVE TO HUSBAND HE WILL ALSO LOVE YOU . EVEN I SURE HE WILL AGAIN ACCEPT YOU .WHICH YOU NOT DESERVE . BUT ITS BETTER TO STAY IN RIGHT SIDE TO UR HUSBAND GOING TO THIS STUPID MAN WHO IS EVEN NOT FAITHFULL TO HIS WIFE HOW HE CAN FAITHFULL TO YOU .LOVE IS JUST AFFACTION AND LIFE IS JUST COMPROMISE TO STAY HAPPY WITH FAMILY . ITS TAKE YEAR TO ESTABLISH FAITH TAKE LESS THAN SECOND TO BRAKE THE FAITH
Anonymous on 14 November 2008 at 2:26pm said...
My worse nightmare has come true!!!!!
As I was planning to leave this man who I am having the affair with while he was on holiday with his partner, but now I found myself in the deepest water - I'm just 6 wks pregnant with his child!!!
I have been on the pills since the affair as I don't want to get pregnant. However, I felt like life has played a joke on me, as I recently had an operation and the drugs I was taking after the operation must have interferred with the pill's normal function!
Now I really don't know what to do!!!
Justapuppy on 14 November 2008 at 5:29pm said...
Wow, that's a biggie! Phew!
I think you really can only listen to yourself and how you feel about this situation... I think you do need to prepared to bring the baby (if you decide to keep it) up alone. Despite the change of circumstances, from your posts it doesn't look as though he'd leave his wife... In your situation I don't know what I'd do.
God only knows how you must be feeling!
x
Anonymous on 14 December 2008 at 11:42am said...
I do think those of you who have a bad view of this women lead very nieve lives this is not a society were women no matter what should be chained to the kids and the kitchen sink Im only 33 and also have a children and have just split from a ten year relationship I know how this women feels however im not having an affair but from the sounds of it she deserves some admiration and respect for trying so hard to make things work in her marriage. I understand why you carnt let go of the other man but you must try if he's not really what you want before you end up being stuck with him not by your choice but because his wife kicks him out.
There are people out there that are in the same position and lets face it non of us would be using this site if we didnt have problems to.
Wish you lots of luck in making the decision.
Anonymous on 18 December 2008 at 8:07am said...
I think some of these comments are extremely harsh. I myself have cheated on a boyfriend twice. However, before this I was very against it. I used to say 'how could someone cheat on someone they love they have everything they want'. But being in that situation is so much different, the interest is fresh and new and exciting. Temptation is a hard thing to fight.
However, this isnt about anyone else this is about you! What do you really feel? I broke up with my boyfriend becuase I found him cheating, kind of hypicritcal but hey! No one can tell you what to do. Its your life, you have to work to make yourself happy. Does this man make you happy? Are you strong enough to walk away? Can you rebuild a new life? I think your like me, frightended of being alone, but sometimes thats whats best for the momnet and then trust me you will find everything you are looking for.
:)
Anonymous on 02 January 2009 at 9:59pm said...
iam sorry i just read all the comments and think its disgusting how come of u are treating this lady everyone makes mistakes stay strong and do what makes u happy x x x good luck xx u can be a great mum and still have a life
Anonymous on 03 January 2009 at 9:18am said...
I like to say i totally agree with the laster commentor, Nobody is perfect and i have noticed on this site that there seems to be a lot of self righteous people however if them and there lives so wonderful why on earth are they on this site. I think you need to seriously sit down and think if you want this man and if you want his child and take it from there.dont beat yourself up about this situation, its life, people do worse things. lots of luck.
Anonymous on 03 January 2009 at 7:15pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
Stop praising this woman. It's not hard to be honest and faithful and truthful to yourself and your significant other. All of this is nobody's fault but yours.
As the other dude in the crazy caps said: "Love your husband and he will love you". ~True story.
Truth is, you're going to raise this baby by yourself. GG.
Molly on 05 January 2009 at 1:00pm said...
It might be helpful here to remind everyone that the Talk it Out forum on this site is a space where individuals and couples can discuss issues that they may be struggling with, and support each other as they are working through their relationship difficulties.
The Talk it out forum is about getting issues into the open for discussion, so comments that feel like personal attacks will generally disrupt this flow of dialogue. Such comments can be unhelpful when people need to feel safe in order to be able to share openly their feelings and experiences, and may prevent them from getting the help that they are seeking.
Anonymous on 06 January 2009 at 11:37am said...
I just can't believe how so may people are blaming this person - this is real life and I bet her story is not unique. this is about marriages breaking down, people being flattered by attention (when they are in a stagnat relationship) and affairs starting. It's easy to blame her but I don't agree. she's been really open to us and asked for help. I'm not much expereince in this are but I say it's liekly that this man will not leave his wife and if things are getting too emotional then you may be better off without hinm. if you can stay not too emotional and enjoy the time and attention then that's different. I do think this man may be trying to get the best of bpth worlds - stable wife and kids but enjoying your time too. Good luck
Anonymous on 06 January 2009 at 6:22pm said...
I'm afraid, I agree with the "crazy caps" dude. Although it could be better phrased. I can't understand why you would want to throw away your marriage after so long but that's up to you. What I can tell you about your new man is that I bet you are not the first one he's done this with and I bet you won't be the last. I would also bet that he will dump you like a hot potato as soon as you tell him you are pregnant. I think you need to be realistic about what things. I think it's unlikely that he will leave his partner for you (he's had plenty of time to do it and he hasn't yet) so I think that if you decide to keep this baby, you will be raising it alone.
Not an easy situation for you to be in but I really don't think this guy is the right man for you. You are better off ending it with him and giving yourself the chance to meet someone who will love and respect you.
Anonymous on 23 January 2009 at 6:20am said...
I read somewhere that if someone doesn't leave their marriage after 4 months of having an affair, it's unlikely that person is ever going to leave that marriage after all.
Its clear to us that this man wanted to possess her, to fulfill his needs; either sexual or emotional. She makes him feel good and rubs his ego, he gets the best of both worlds. He has the cake and still gets to eat it. What men wouldn't want that? Using the word "I care about you" is not good enough. I know because I have been in similar position. Please trust me. I nearly fall hard for a guy (who uses the word "I care about you a lot") and in the end, I realise I don't want care. I want love. I want him to tell me he loves me. Not care. I care about my bestfriend, I care for my girlfriends, I care for the homeless people, I care for the world, I care for animals. But to hear "I love you" and in a genuine, romantic way is what ideally I want to hear. Not "I care about you". Its nice, yes and I was touched, yes. But in the end, I need to hear more than that.
You are confused. I know. I've been there.
You're a good mum trapped in a dull marriage. I know. I've been there.
You're flattered by the attention and felt sexy and alive once again. I know. I've been there.
Yet deep inside your heart and sense, you have questions. There are so many questions you need answer to. You find it difficult to be open and honest with him. Maybe you don't want to hear the answers. You're scared of the answers. Perhaps you're scared to lose him. I know. I've been there.
Part of you is know this is a stucked relationship which has no future together. I know. I've been there too.
Before you know it, you will realise time has been wasted on this time-wasting affair. You could have used this time to look after yourself, love yourself and then find yourself a man who loves you and who is all yours, full time. Not a part time like this selfish lover. Yes, he is only a lover.
He is not worth your time. He does no good to your self esteem and confidence.
You sound like a really nice, genuine woman who wants love and affection. You deserve a chance to be alive and be loved again. You have so much love to give. It's easy for us all to say "leave him, walk out" . I know. I understand how you feel. (I am in rather similar position but the guy I am seeing is a single bachelor).
I come to this site because I want to save my marriage and to give up on this bachelor boyfriend. It's not going ot be easy. But as I said, its a stucked relationship. He said a lot "i care about you" and he hasn't made any long term plans to take on me and my kids. I've enough of it. I can't carry on anymore with someone whom I can't develop anything further with. It's time and energy wasting.
I understand you because I was trapped in boring marriage bringing up kids. I felt so alive and special and flattered by this boyfriend's attention. He would have been everything I had wanted in a guy had I been single; city whiz bachelor kid with riverside city apartment and highflying lifestyle. To have a guy like that to expressed romantic interests in me and want to see someone like me (who is now a mum!) has been very flattering. I always thought he is too good for me to give up but I can't be trapped in a relationship that is not heading anywhere.
I hope we can share our journey together and be strong within ourselves and not to be a doormat.
Would you like to update us what is happening?
Anonymous on 24 January 2009 at 5:40pm said...
there is some hard people out thr, untill you are in that situation then ya cant even stop 2 imagine how it feels im in a situation like that with a married man tht has a wife and kids and its so hard 2 let go i no he fills me with what im wanting 2 hear from him but when we are 2geather he makes me feel so special bfor i met him i had a partner but ended it as soon as i realised tht i was goin 2 carry on having ths affair it does take 2 people 2 start an affair and if it wasnt me then it would be some1 else if his mind was made up i wish u all the look and i hope u end up really happy good look and take care
Anonymous on 04 February 2009 at 8:15am said...
im also being by guys..........he saying harsh word to me..........its not fair for me..........cos im not in the wrong........should i continue tis relationship?-shasha
Anonymous on 04 February 2009 at 8:16am said...
im also being hurt by guys..........he saying harsh word to me..........its not fair for me..........cos im not in the wrong........should i continue tis relationship?-shasha
Anonymous on 05 March 2009 at 3:59pm said...
im a wife of a cheater and its devastating to every one in the family when it is found out think twice about hurting people in this way
Anonymous on 14 March 2009 at 3:48am said...
i really understand what you're going through. hang in there...
Anonymous on 17 March 2009 at 11:16am said...
Hi I have been reading all the posts given on this page. This is the first time I have ever encountered a site such as this and I think it is very beneficial to people to be able to hear each others difficulties but in equal ammounts I am not suprised that SOME people get very cross with other people for their difficulties and are perhaps bitter, scared of how strong emotions are and where they can take you in life that they then go on to, as described by an author above, personally attack others and condemn them as stupid, dishonest etc.....
Sometimes in life it goes beyond right and wrong and honesty and deceit because happiness is not a straight path.. does anyone set out on a straight cut path to happiness the moment they are born? no! So why are 'we' suprised when these affairs occur? Yes there is a lot of people that will get hurt but name one person who has affair/s to 'hurt' someone, would that not label tham an affectionless pyschopath?!
My point is.... Life and morals and life situations are not black and white, there are no right and wrong. There is a lot of sadness but each and everyone of us are responsible for our own happiness which is why people leave/cheat on their spouses. For all those who keep getting angry at people maybe you have your own emotions to look at you obviously have some fear making you cross at these people!
As for me; yes I have a situation that I am in, a relationship which has been going on for the last year with a man who is married with two kids and has been for ten years. I fell desperately in love with him and decided if I hadn't told him I'd regret that for the rest of my life.
He made the decision to start a relationship with me alongside his already existing 'life'. He explained for years he had not been happy with his wife/ she didn't love him that way anymore and that they had no sex. I have heard comments myself that people make saying, 'he's using you', 'he wants his cake and to eat it too!', actually is it ever that simple?, sometimes maybe but that is actually an overgeneralisation.
As of today I am very very low as I have told him to go home to his family if he can ultimately push me aside due to difficulties of trying to keep family in - tact. And although I know he must be fighting an extremely difficult battle with himself over loving the kids and not wanting to hurt the wife by leaving her all alone and probably thinks he can continue this way that it is simply not as simple as making a choice one way or the other. I am suprised however that women who are married and know their husbands are in love with and continuing to see, someone else then don't decide for themselves that there is not much left for them! Instead she seems to have taken the route of ladening him with guilt to her and his kids as a last stab of desperation.
Anyway... He has said some really hurtful and confusing things in terms of his marriage to her in which he said, 'I hope she doesn't think negatively towards the marriage!', how contradicting was this statement when he is continuing to have another relationship with me? I thought. 'what cheek' and how hurtful so I sent him packing.... I am yet to see if he does love me as he has said and whether he will change this situation he has placed me in, (as I am not the one with another relationship going on) out!
Chances are he may go off having had everything her them and me. And that to me is him and his wifes dillemma if it does go that way.
Anonymous on 17 March 2009 at 11:40am said...
continuing from above, ...... I am also a single mum of a 3 year old child of which the dad threw us out to the streets 4 months after giving birth to his child. I for what seems a huge chunk of my life have bben at the hands of peoples bad, cruel and heartless behaviour. My family or adopted family as they are, also disowned me and made me homeless at 19 years old.
The man I have had a so called 'affair', with has been the first person to actually understand the way life is so unjust, hard and cold. The love we have built up between us has been something so strong that right now I don't know how my life is going to be able to continue as we have technically split up.
The diffuculty is I know he loves me but because of having a family already it poses a big problem as he doesn't want to be an absent father as opposed the so called father of my child who enjoys and wants to be seperate from me and his child as apparentely I am so awful and impossible. Which by the way was a conveniant excuse for a very selfish and lazy 'dad'.
The man who I shall call bob for referance whom I have been seeing since whom is married has provided me with real love and understanding yet also another huge dillemma. I cannot continue to live a seperate life whil he goes back home each weekend and cuts me out. It is simply far too hurtful for me and I believe if he truly loves me would see this for himself. As is stands he is trying to hold together his life which at present is comfortable with her and kids and it's safe for him.
But seems to me he has to decide what it is he really wants, safety and predictabilty of a marriage that isn't great or happiness elsewhere. To use the fact he loves his kids is simply not enough anymore as he has involved me into his life too and to some respect is responsible to that as well.
Sweener on 19 March 2009 at 5:53pm said...
I believe there are two types of men who have affairs. Those who have no intention of leaving their wives but are looking for a shag and those who are truly unhappy and looking to find happiness elsewhere. Men generally will not leave the marriage for two reasons, because of the children and because of the financial implications. All the men I know who have left have has their affairs discovered and have no alternative but to leave. The fact is you don't spend any length of time with this man. You stay in nice hotels, go to nice restaurants and don't see him in the morning or have to wash his underwear! One person made a comment that men will leave within six months of starting an affair if they really like that person. That is right, they will.
It amazes me how the wives and mistresses blame each other. Wake up. You are deceiving yourself and he is deceiving you both. You deserve better. Why don't you say to him if he doesn't leave, you don't want to see him anymore? Because deep down you know the answer. Why would you want to swap places with a woman who is unhappy and in a marriage where her husband is unfaithful? Won't he do the same to you?
Anonymous on 24 March 2009 at 4:29pm said...
I have been married for 4 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I started having an affair with a single guy last summer, I didn't set out for this to happen and I have no excuses, my husband is the nicest man you could meet and he loves me I know he does. I gave up my career to have my daughter over 3 years ago and have loved it but I just don't feel like my old self anymore, my husband and i get along but we do not communicate anymore we may live under the same roof but thats as far as it goes we watch telly in seperate rooms, eat and even socialise seperatley. Seeing the other guy has brought excitement back into my life. This affair has now turned complicated as I think I have really fallen for him. As I say he has no ties and is a free agent. I have asked him on several occasions where he wants us to go and how he feels about me but all I get back is that he realy likes me and cares for me. I just feel I need some advice to put my life into prospective, do I stay with my husband as he is loyal and loves me and he is a fantastic dad too or do I leave him? I would never leave him for the other guy as I would never take such a gamble not where my daughteris concerned.
P.S I have tried finishing things with this other guy twice but everytime I have been truly devasted and end up starting things again.
Anonymous on 07 April 2009 at 9:49pm said...
Some really interesting posts. I agree with the views that it is just stupid to start blaming and judging people for what they are doing. Nobody sets out to make a mess of things or to fall inl ove with someone who will hurt us or so that we can hurt others -or very few anyway.
I am in this position -my kids are grown up and I would leave if my lover will leave -but his kids are younger and he is in business with his wife. So, what alternative but to continue and see how it goes... and I know people will read this and say hah -you are stupid, but you don't feel the love and closeness, the special moments and caring. I yearn for this affection and cannot give it up so easily, but ultimately I know someone will get hurt -and I have to be honest, I hope it is not me... x
Emilysmiles on 14 April 2009 at 5:03pm said...
To the writer of 24th March at 4:29, we are in same boat. My husband and I watched TV in separate rooms too. Or most times, he is on the computer while I am reading next room. We hardly go out as a couple and he doesn't put a lot of initiative in keeping our romance alive. I am not finding excuses for my affair but I was falling in love with another bachelor man who was attentive, romantic and loving. I tried to finish the affair too but we kept missing each other and kept going back to each other. However this time I am trying not to but I doubt I can hold on to my self-control. If I am following my heart, I will be running into his arms again but if I am following my head, I should stay away from it. I am just as trapped as you are.
Anonymous on 21 April 2009 at 1:05pm said...
Well not to start a slagging match but i am the other woman. I started a relationship with a close friend in sept 08 and its still ongoing. He is married with a child of 1. I will not lie, at the start it was just for fun and we just liked being together, however it has very much turned in to love. I could never have pictured myself in this situation, i thought so low of people who had affairs before however its very different when you find your self in the position. The worst part is i really like his wife, we both do. And the only reason we have not come clean about the whole thing is because we dont intentionally want to hurt her. That might seem laughable to some people but people who have affairs are not bad people out to hurt others. so we agreed that he will end his marrige and explain that he does not feel the way he should for her. Does anyone have an opinion on this i would like to hear your thoughts?
Anonymous on 20 May 2009 at 4:06am said...
Those who admonish you because of your relationship choice, have no understanding of how or why the heart and mind work with and against one another. Until they esperience what you havae, they have no right to judge you. I know your heart aches, and you are confused, happy, and sad all at the same time.
I wish you strength, because as joyful and happy as your affair makes you today; it will hurt and haunt you later. Trust me, I know.
Anonymous on 05 November 2009 at 11:19pm said...
Hi there, I cannot believe how hurtful some people have been in response to your post, which was an honest request for some advice. We are all human, we do good things, we do bad things, we make good decisions, we make bad decisions, we get compromised, we compromise others...anyone who thinks life is black & white and choses to attack you is either afraid of life or so blinkered that they are not living their life.
And so to your problem, not having children, or ever being in a similar situation, I cannot really understand the emotions you have to deal with. However, i can speak as a woman who has had her head turned by men and how it can lead you to somewhere you never intended to be. My only advice is to stop whirling around, stand back and be you. Not a mother, not an ex wife, not a love...but an individual. What do you want? If there was noone else in this equation, how would you cope with a new baby. Figure out how to be independent and in control, then when you know how to tackle the situation from this perspective, and only then, start to extend your focus to your daughters.
I don't know if this helps...but I wish you lots of luck and happines xxx
annonymous on 25 December 2009 at 3:49pm said...
I am in a weird situation. I moved overseas due to spouse's job. Went to this place, got a job. The boss was great...he didn't have many friends and neither did I. We became very good friends and we'd ask/offer advice on different relationship situations. We learned that each of us was unhappy in our marriage. We became friends with each other's families....we would hang out as couples and I've heard her side and his side of the story and they are pretty much the same...no major differences. Then our friendship progressed to an emotional affair, then onto a full blown physical, emotional, and mental affair. Within 6 months, I separated from my husband (even though we were still under the same roof, I moved out of the master bedroom). He did the same. About 9 months later, I flew back to the US. Well, both married, we both have children. His spouse is a foreigner and they have lived in this country for almost 20 years. All of their kids were born overseas. He doesn't want to only see his kids twice a year...we have talked about the future and we have talked about child support payments and how tough our road is right now. He's had to "make ammends" with his spouse in order to get her to agree to come to the US. She's fought him with everything she has about coming to the US. He's been asking her for years and she just dismissed his feelings for the better part of 20 years as just being homesick and not really meaning it. Well, he has to get them here, get them set up and make sure that she gets a job...he is going to leave her. He is very unhappy with her and has been for a very long time (well before meeting me). He is just in a weird situation. Well, I am giving him his time to get things situated with his family. He needs to have his kids (his words...every other weekend, summer breaks, and holidays...I don't want to go 6 months at a time without being with them.) He wants for her to find happiness as well, but he wants to make sure that he is close by so that if there are problems, he's not having to get a last minute flight overseas.
Everyone here has their opinions, and that is good...just keep in mind that if you aren't the one living through the situation, no matter how much a person posts here, doesn't mean that you have the whole story. We all make mistakes in life. Is it fair to ask a person to stay in an unloving, unhappy relationship because there are kids involved? Just as he made a commitment/contract with her...didn't she also make one with him? To love, honor, and cherish? For all of those here who have their issues with affairs, think of it this way...yes, they made a commitment to each other...just because a person has an affair doesn't make him/her a bad person. And what about the other parties failure in the marriage...it takes two people to make or break a relationship...you can blame the individual having the affair (it is probably easier) but what about the way the spouse treated the one having the affair? I'm not saying that this is the case in every affair...some people don't care about anyone but themselves...but, that is not always the case. What about abuse in the relationship? Be it emotional, physical, or mental. Women can be just as abusive as men can, it's just usually a different form of abuse. In my situation (from knowing both of the individuals) she has turned him into a shell of the man he used to be. He is not allowed to drink a beer at home, he is not allowed to watch sports, he is not allowed to have friends, he is not allowed to get on the computer, he isn't allowed to spend time with his kids...because all this takes away from her. She expects him to kiss her ... cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, working to make ends meet so that she can stay home and do nothing. These are her words not his. That is abuse...
Just remember, you don't know the entire situation and nothing is ever black and white...just varying shades of gray...so don't attack someone based on the word "affair"...Let he who is perfect cast the first stone.
Anonymous on 27 January 2010 at 12:00pm said...
So let me get this straight, your marrage ended so you decided to get involved with someone elses and cause problems in theirs?
Nice
Anonymous on 03 February 2010 at 9:21pm said...
Go inside yourself to the quiet place of your heart. You'll know what to do.
I'm saddened by the judgemental comments made here. But I know that people who hurt find it hard to feel compassion. There's no need for you to take notice of the comments that are simply sarcastic or hurtful. You'll see lots of good comments here from people who are not judging you.
All the best.