My wife and I have been married now for 13 years and up until the last couple of years we were soul mates. We have been through a lot in our lives and have held it together by supporting each other but in the last couple of years things seem to be falling apart.
We have four kids all under 12 and sex was always good and we always made time for it but it seems that TV and Facebook now have precidence over an early night and she is always to tired. She never was a great lover and I admit I could probably learn a lot more but I always considered myself someone who made sure that she was satisfied. Over the past couple of years she has lost complete interest and now states that she finds sex boring and doesn't like touching me and it's all a bit of a chore.
Ten years ago she couldn't keep her hands off me now I get the impression if she could wear rubber gloves to avoid touching me she would.
Comments like "you can always find a prostitute" and "I only do it to keep you happy" really hurt deep down and I can't seem to get through that it makes me feel unloved and unwanted.
Everything seems ok outside of the bedroom but this is seriously starting to affect our relationship with us sleeping in different rooms sometimes. I really love her from the bottom of my heart but i'm starting to resent her attitude to sex and me.
I've tried listening to her and she sais that I need to bring some romance back into the relationship and woo her into bed. I find this very confusing how do you drum up the enthusiasm to romance someone into bed who quite clearly states that she doesn't enjoy or want the end product.
Don't get me wrong i'm not one of those men who expect sex every time so it's not that i'm pressurising her. I've even tried abstaining and not mentioning it at all so as not to make her feel under any pressure. But after four weeks I came to the conclusion that this would just carry on so had to give in to my natural urges.
She either doesn't realise or doesn't care how this is affecting our marriage and I really do not want it to end and I think she would be devistated if I were to leave but despite my love for her and my children and my belief in my marriage vows i'm begining to weaken and i'm scared that if someone else came into my life I wouldn't be able to refuse.
It's tearing me apart!
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Tony (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 01 March 2009 at 11:43am said...
I can really appreciate how the deterioration in your sexual relationship has left you feeling 'unloved and unwanted' and how frustrating it feels to be unable to get this message through to your wife.
You say that everything seems ok outside of the bedroom and yet I wonder if there might be things that make your wife feel 'unloved and unwanted' too. It certainly sounds as if she would like more romance in her life.
If you look at some of the Sex/Intimacy & Romance articles in the Check It Out section of this site, you will see that many men and women have different views on how these fit together, but it could be very helpful for you to look at ways of recreating the romance between you earlier in your relationship. It is not so much a matter of 'romancing her into bed' as reminding her of the person who makes her feel loved and wanted. Hopefully you will also enjoy her appreciation of your efforts. As she understands your commitment to her, it will be natural for her to take a different view of your sexual relationship.
If you struggle to find good ways of bringing romance back into your life, you could try working together on ideas to pursue. There are exercises in the 'Work It Out' section of this site which could help you in this.
I wish you both every success and hope you enjoy the journey
Tony
Anonymous on 02 April 2009 at 3:24pm said...
She is being selfish and i for one would not put up with those comments! If sitting down and discussing things is not working then maybe go the completly different way - dont mention it at all... Its a tough situation as i would imagine it doesnt make you feel very attractive at all when the woman who is suppose to love you doesnt want to do it. I know its not the most important thing in the world but she clearly isnt making any effort !
Anonymous on 20 April 2009 at 12:19pm said...
I think I may be that Woman! I've been living with my partner for over 2 years now(not long I know) but things seem to have gone absolutely pear-shaped in the bedroom department. Like yourselves, our sex life was great initially, but I seem to have lost all interest over the last 6 months or so.
I've tried to be open and honest with my other half about this but have really upset/hurt him in the process(unintentionally) but I don't think there's ever an easy way to admit that you don't want sex/you're not enjoying it. My other half has said very similar things to you in that he feels that he can't win i.e. if he brings it up I complain that he's pressurising me, if he doesn't I worry that he's losing interest. I know that the current siutation can't carry on but when it actually comes down to it I just want it to be over/would rather go to sleep and I don't know why!
Things aren't great in other areas of our relationship and I sometimes think that if he was a little nicer at times I might be a bit more willing. But that's not to remove from the fact that I suffer from depression(have done sever since I can remeber) and this plays a big part at times. I really want to make it work, as I know he does, but it just seems that we've got more and more hurdles to overcome.
It is a possible that your wife's suffering from depression? Has she gained weight recently/has her self-esteem hit rock-bottom? I know that I'm not as comfortable with my body as I used to be and this is definitely a factor at times. Perhaps it could be worth going to the GP? I will be, we've also agreed to go to counselling together.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I've been any help, I think I may have gotten carried away with my own bits and bobs. However, any feedback or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
B - Worcestershire.