Hi
I have been dating a girl On and Off for the Past four Years. We always seem to be fighting and arguing about other people we have been with when we have broken up etc which has made us very jealous and insecure people. We are both in our early twentys and we really to have a love hate relationship.
She most recently became pregenant but unfortunutley lost the baby at nine weeks which was a painfull time for us both but brought us closer together.
We do both really love each other but is it healthy for us to try and make something work that you have tried so many times.
I can not ever see myself being without her but do we need to make a clean break and seek happiness else where and do you think we can recover for the unhappiness we have caused each other in the past.
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Anonymous on 23 October 2008 at 10:53pm said...
get out of this pseudo "relationship" straight away. you are both kidding each other and need to gert on with your own lives
Anonymous on 24 October 2008 at 12:21pm said...
Four years is a long time to be with someone without making a proper commitment to each other - I don't mean getting married but sort or saying to each other we are together and it makes us happy. If you can't see a future with this girl then I'm not really sure why you are still carrying on. Is it the security of having 'someone' there. In the end though you have to be with someone you really want to be with.
Anonymous on 27 October 2008 at 6:02pm said...
Thankyou for your comments . We have previously lived together for periods of time which was a commitment for us both.
I have always had long term relationships so me being on my own I may find really difficult I do really love this person and I just hope that we can make a fresh start and have a happy future together and not always bring up the past eg you did this and you did that scenario.
We are both young so we are bound to make mistakes. The arguments we had would always turn violent which I never hit her but did push her once in self defence.
In this relationship if you would call it that I am always made to feel like things are my fault and when things become violent I am expected to just take it and not even raise my hind to protect my self. She is a very aggressive person at times when things do not go her own way. but its my fault for putting up with it.
Me reading this back makes me think what am I doing stick around for so long. As time has gone on this have become alot calmer and we respect each other so much more and none of the violence has happened.
Jenny (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 29 October 2008 at 10:24am said...
Dear Anonymous, Have you looked at the 'related articles' section of the website, as shown on the right of the screen? It can be very helpful for us to reflect in detail upon the pattern of our interactions with our partners and consider whether any changes might need to be made. This can be useful even if we eventually decide to separate from current partners, as we can take our learning with us into any new relationships in the future.
Anonymous on 14 October 2009 at 11:15am said...
You love this person, and she loves you...but is it enough? There are all kinds of love. You both have issues that may be compromising your choices at the moment...she seems to have an issue with aggression, you have an issues with being on your own...you are both jealous of each other and insecure in this relationship...can I suggest that the fact that you are young and therefore 'bound to make mistakes' is not reason enough to stay in this volatile relationship.
Personalities/quirks aside, a relationship needs a few key things to be successful...trust and respect are not an option, they are a must...these are then complimented with a desire be together a to support oneanother in whatever they want to do and bring out the best in one another. Ultimately, you need to be courageous enough to allow that person to be who they are, give them the freedom to be who they are and together you will be able to grow. This is not fairytale, I am not attempting to oversimplify or be cheesy...but there is no way around it, these is a fundamental...if you don't strive for this, you are settling.
From what you write, your relationship appears to be built on insecurity, distrust and jealousy...you may care about one another and appreciate the good things about one another, which is a good start, and this is how I feel about most of the people in my life.
If it is like this now when you are young and have the energy to handle the constant peaks and troughs...imagine how you will feel 10yrs from now, still doing this...you will be tired, weary, battle-worn and your life will be about avoiding/getting ready for the next explosion...is this how you see your life?
It could be that you will be life-long friends...but partners? You are both young...find out who you are first....face you fears....live on your own....it's easier to do now before life gets more complicated...
I appreciate that this is harsh and does not take into consideration the specifics/history of your relatonship, but sometimes it helps to stand back and fast forward...
Hope this helps