Briefly my last update was that my husband and I were going to relate as I had found out that since my youngest daughter had her major head surgery last April my husband had been talking to a friend of mine behind my back and meeting her for coffee sometimes. I found this out on holiday in August. He promised to stop and was genuinely sorry at the time as I was so hurt. He said he had no-one to talk to which he doesn't. She on the other hand is a man predator! She was manipulating his vulnerability and using it to try and sleep with him.
Anyway it turns out my husband had still been getting these emails from my "Ex" friend! He had been replying. It was nothing heavy her asking how we all were etc. He had promised me there was no contact at all, He sat in relate and promised me. Little did I know that he had also been e-mailing someone off facebook and talking sexual stuff with her for months too.
I then found out not only had he been still keeping in contact with my "Ex" friend but the filth that was exchanged between him and this woman was just disgusting. She had sent him a topless picture and he had sent a picture of his bits.
We had neglected each other since the birth of our youngest who has serious medical issues and may die. That was the brief problems we have been having.
Well the update is as follows:
Thing's have been getting a bit better. I am not re-reading the emails he sent these women all the time (I copied and saved them). We are spending more time together and trying to be really considerate of one another. We are doing our house up completely so it's been a bit stressful as we have had workmen in the house every day and this will be going on for a while yet.
We did have a huge row over absolutely nothing Saturday which scarily escalated and left me crying half the night. I have descussed with my husband that we have done the tears etc and now is the time for us to sit down properly and discuss all what happened in more detail including how much he actually thought of these women. I feel until we do this that how can we possibly move forward. My husband is obviously reluctant as he is displaying typical man behaviour in wanting it all to go away.
I decided Tuesday was going to be ultimatum day as we both cannot carry on feeling bad and the time now has come to put it in the past where it belongs. The ultimatum was to be that unless we discuss everything in detail with complete honesty then we need to seperate. I know this could of backfired on me, but I need to do this for peace of mind.
I know it will be an uncomfortable discussion probably ending up with me crying but it is necessary, we are not facing what really happened.
Tuesday came and he took our daughter to school and arrived home with this huge lovely boquet of flowers to say sorry for Saturday night. They were lovely and made me happy. So I didn't do the ultimatum.
What do I do now? I am now in limbo land not knowing what to do. Please help!
Thanks
Missrosy
xxx
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missrosy on 02 March 2009 at 9:40am said...
I really hope someone can offer me some advice. I am still very unhappy. I spent most of the day Saturday crying my eyes out.
I need to talk about all what happened and still feel there is alot my husband could tell me but now doesn't want to. It is strange really as we were doing so well, in a way we still are but I feel that all that happened is holding us in a bad place and I am crying every day and just have no-one to talk to. I just rang the dr's and couldn't get an appt. I will try again tomorrow. I just want all this to block out and go away as I am so so tired.
Missrosy
xxx
Justapuppy on 02 March 2009 at 10:34am said...
Hi Miss Rosy,
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It sounded all so positive, that you had moved on, with the occasional bump in the road, but definite improvement. Do you think things are going better now, are you any closer? The flowers sounded lovely from your husband - he was clearly thinking of you and wanting to show that he cares! When's your next Relate session?
Lots of hugs x
missrosy on 02 March 2009 at 11:05am said...
Hi, thanks for your reply. There has been definate improvement and you are right too that we had the ocassional bump. We are closer which is great and we are both enjoying this.
Our last relate session was 2 weeks ago. The councellor said that she thought we are doing well and that she doesn't need to see us for 2 weeks. We now have her phone number as she lives near us and it would be easier if we see her privately now. We are supposed to phone this week to make the appt. No doubt though this will be down to me! :(
My husband is so not interested in talking anymore though. He appears to keep himself busy to avoid it now, which is upsetting, you would think after all that has happened he would do anything to put this in our past once and for all. He has told me the odd bit over the last few days. He said that my "EX" friend said that if he wanted to leave me he could stay in her french house. It's the conversations l;ike this that I want to know about.
On Saturday I accused him rightly or wrongly of sleeping with her. It broke my heart all over again to see his face! When he had lied to me about sending a picture of his "bits" to the fb woman he had this look, almost like "the man doth protest to much". When I said it, he did the very same face so I now think they actually did sleep together.
I just feel in a big black hole all over again.
xxx
Lilies on 28 September 2009 at 4:51pm said...
Going back to your first post, I have been hurt by a partner and for some strange reason i felt the need to know every detail about her, what he thought about her, what happened etc. I think its down to the individual as to whether this helps or not but I think its good to go over it. Especially if your an over thinker like i am...it can drive you crazy imagining what happend and I think this is why its good to get things confirmed by him. If he is unwilling to tell you what you need to know i think it will be very hard to move on.
I think you two have been through a hell of alot but i do think you can get past this. My heart goes out to you with having a poorly child I really wish you all the best.
As for the Ex friend more fool her husband for defending her. Sometimes people can be so viscious and not realise how they can hurt someone, but try not to feel so bitter towards her- shes not even worth it.
Im not too sure if this is possible but would you and your husband be able to go away for a short beak, talk enjoy each others company? or even you alone have a break to think things over?
Face book is decitful and in my opnion for single people. its causes too much trouble and is too easy to strike up relationships with people.
If your husband was to comply with you and go to the meetings....In all honesty can you ever see yourself trusting him again? Maybe its time to see past this initial hurt and see how you would be 6 month / year down the line? - wether that be with him or without him? Lifes too short so try your best to do what it right for you. From past expieriences fearing something is worse than it actually happening, never doubt yourself as you can be stronger than you think.
Iv tried to see the possitive and negative side of this and give you balanced advice I hope this has helped
Good luck!