my partners father is dying of cancer, and i have supported her 100%, she recently flew back from visiting him, and hates flying, despite many attempts to speak with her before she travelled, i couldnt get connected to her mobile, she feels terribly let down by me,and dissappointed... i have obtained from the fone co; a copy of my bill which shows i did make the calls, i dont pretend to think this is the only problem.. she has asked me to leave her alone, and says her father is the only important thing ( which i can understand,as i lost my father to the same type of cancer).we both have had difficult lives, but we really connected,and we both have the same values and dreams for our futures. we were to sell our homes and look for a place together, we are great together, we show our love and appreciation of each other in so many small ways, as well as the grand gestures.we both wanted the same things in life.there is no abuse whatsoever in our relationship, and there are no third parties.i know she deals with things by running away, she thinks she deserves any and all bad kuck that comes her way, she is insecure, i understand this side of her,and do all i can to help her, reassure her.now there is no communication at all, i have sent the odd text, without reply, she refuses to talk, or meet for a coffee. i want to write her a letter, but both timing and content is of a worry?i miss her every minute of everyday,and i dont understand the total no contact, i am giving her space,but this is hard. i have of course apologised for not getting through on the phone! does she hope/or want me to leave her alone for good? is it over? what can i do to help her?
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Anonymous on 23 October 2008 at 10:13pm said...
Oh what you say really clicks with me. When I lost my dad i was jus tstarting with my partner. It was so hard - I wanted ti be comforted byhim but I wanted ti be on my own. can't explain it.iI know (now) my partner felt left out. But I didnt mean that.Its just that you go into another world - very connected to your past, being a child well for me a daugher, was all that mattered. So while I loved my partner i wa selfich and just thouht abot me and my family and he feltleft out. Since then - many yearslater - I know he understands and he has lost his mum and dad now. So don't read too much into her not being in contact. Give her time. Make sure she knows you are there for her when she is ready. I think the thing that really affected my relationships was this. I loved my dad so much so I was confused about love. If you love someone and they die you lose them so in a way I didn;t want to love Jeff, I was cared of losing him so I sort of wanted to reject him. Strange! But I did love him and I still do.More than then really.
Give your partner time and space. Don;t see her lack of connection as against you. Dont judge her, try not to think aboout you. And if your relationships isstrong she will re-connect. You need to be ready for that.
Horrible for you but if you love someone it'll be OK
Anonymous on 25 October 2008 at 1:05pm said...
My heart goes out to you. It is clear from the middle part of your posting how much you care about your partner and how much this relationship means to you.
In your place, I would send a letter, the sooner the better, and the most important thing in it would be that same message about how good your relationship has been, how close you have felt to her and how much you miss her now.
You're right, there are dangers in saying the wrong thing, and it sounds as if you need to be careful not to write anything that she could interpret as judgemental or critical. It's probably good to avoid explanations and just concentrate on your feelings. Don't try to say you understand her feelings (she probably doesn't think anyone can) at the moment and don't let her feel responsible for 'giving' you your feelings.
And I agree with the last person's comments. The most important thing is for her to know that you're there for her when she's ready. She may not respond now - she may not even feel able to read the letter - so it might be an idea to keep a copy.
Sorry, lots of advice, don't take it if it doesn't feel comfortable for you. I just thought how she might feel if she read what you've posted here. I hope she realises eventually how lucky she is to have someone like you in her life.
wysiwyg on 25 October 2008 at 8:38pm said...
thankyou so much for the comments, it has helped enormously thankyou again.
wysiwyg on 26 October 2008 at 7:38pm said...
been an awful day... tried so hard not to send her a text, but i did, no reply tho.
filled with self-doubt now, a part of me thinking, she has only to text a couple of words, why cant she do that?
it was so encouraging to read the comments left by other members, but doubts are creeping back into my head, its no use me trying to remain occupied,or busy, as whatever i do i still think about her constantly. ( get a grip man!!)
i cant just go see her, as her daughter has moved back in with her boyfriend, and the last thing i want to do is create a scene.well, it wouldnt be me making the scene rather her daughter, who basically doesnt want her mum to move , so much so she threatened her mum that she would never visit,if she moved in with me!
the letter idea seems my only method of contact, and whilst i am aware not to make her feel responsible for my feelings, i think i need more input as to what i should actually say. maybe in her eyes, this relationship is not strong enough, or maybe its just at the moment its not strong enough?
i have an appointment with therapist tomorrow,( first one) so hopeful to get some form of direction there.
Anonymous on 29 October 2008 at 7:08pm said...
been a busy day, but can honestly say i thought about my partner every single minute!
not good... sending me up the wall. insecurity settling in too, i understand everyone is different, and we all deal with problems our own way, but the trouble is i am not dealing with things, i am in no man's land, i have absolutely no idea what she is thinking, or even if she thinks about me/us at all.?
i sent her a text at the weekend, and still no response, its not that i am losing patience, i am not. its the not knowing... i dont have a problem waiting for her ( so to speak ) i just cannot see why something like a text message is so out of the question?
therapist talked about past experiences, and how influential they are in our thinking, and while i can appreciate what she said, is it just, that because it isnt how i would behave, i have so much trouble understanding the way she is behaving towards me?
i know she is very insecure, and will deny herself anything good, and only deal with the bad, she has in the past said that if something bad happens to her, she must deserve it!! she is so compassionate and empathitic towards everything and almost everybody, and she says she is hardest on me simply because she loves me..
Anonymous on 09 November 2008 at 3:42pm said...
we talked on the phone and she has said its over... she wants to be alone!
i am absolutely devastated, i cant believe it!
she says she loves me, but is not in love with me! i phoned her this morning ,and she said why are you phoning again? god that hurt!!
i think as before, that she is settling again, she feels her life would be less complicated without me, less hassle, her daughter certainly doesnt want me in her mums life, and even said if you ever move in with him, i will never ever visit you!
my partner is always thinking of others,she has compassion and an empathy towards everything,and almost everyone.. she is hardest on me, and i understand why. she feels she shouldnt be a burden to anyone,and will sacrifice what she wants to make/ keep her family happy. it is not that i am seeking to blame her daughter for our situation, only in part, my partner chose to spend six years with me, and she should be granted respect for that. respect that she thought i was worth spending time with. i know her so well, i know how she thinks, she feels she isnt worthy, she feels she doesnt deserve good fortune, i have tried so hard to overcome her insecurity, i have known the most important thing for her is to know i will always be there, to not abandon her, not to leave her, she even asked me to promise not to die before her, promise me you wont leave me, she said!
what can i do? why cant i give up, accept what she is saying....? she went over old ground about how 3 1/2 years ago, we should have moved in together, ( circumstances changed, her daughter moved back home,) is it just that she has lost sight of what we wanted for ourselves? its no good someone saying to me, if she realises she has made a mistake, she will contact me, because she wont, she isnt that way inclined, she just accepts her lot, and doesnt expect anything nice to ever happen,
i know how we are when its just us, we are great together, other couples would kill for a 1/8 of what we have.
what can i do ? how can i allow her to see we dont have to be over? i had advice i did the worst thing possible, by telling her i would always be there for here, i wouldnt give up, as this tells her im needy?
i have no time for game playing, or mind games, i thought the truth was what mattered, demonstrating that all was important was my partner, i am emotionally wrecked now, i want so much for us to be as we were, i thought of writing her a letter, but is there any point, when effectively, i am asking her to choose between her family and me...
i miss her so much, i did say to her she shouldnt be making big decisions when she is sad, and down over her father dying, and asked her to not lose sight of what we wanted for our futures, but i feel she will only do what she has always done, expect nothing, and think she doesnt deserve happiness, she doesnt deserve love, a man who wont desert her.
oh.. i need help!
Anonymous on 17 December 2008 at 2:25pm said...
going through a similar thing but nothing to do with the death f any one ..i feel your pain..i too feel like im dead ive lost my ne true love who says she still loves me and wants me to be her friend her best friend but at this moment she needs to be alone ..she as called to see me and says she will be comng again she lives many mles away .and when she gets her own home again that i can come and visit ..but doesnt want to label us a girl and boyfiend we wer engaged to be married ..ive bombarded her with texts and emails like you she ignores some well most but often says she loves me more than anyone know she is visting friends or maybe just compansating ..she does ring but not as often as i would like ..but least we have got contact and says she doesnt want any other man ..but is that to keep me hanging or sort what she realy realy wants ..hpe you ok mate cos im at the end without her too
Anonymous on 24 December 2008 at 9:57pm said...
oh boys having just read your situations I feel truly sorry for you both your hearts are breaking I can offer no advice even being a woman I have no idea what you ex parners are thinking. My situation is that me and my parnter of 10 years have just seperated due to the fact we no longer can communicate or agree on anything with regards to our daughter, he hasnt been very nice to me either over the last few months nothing bad just his attitude towards me and one day something inside just said enough was enough i didnt need to take the crap anymore if he loved me at all he wouldnt be treating me so bad. However he moved out over a month ago and i dont know how i feel about him or the situation dont know if I love him or not. I wanted to grow old with him, I really thought he was the one. How do things go so horribly wrong in relationships its so unfair. I wish you guys the best of luck, courage and strengh to see you through.
Anonymous on 28 December 2008 at 9:06pm said...
I wish i had your guts! We have been married 12years, 3kids. Every 6mths we seem to have a bad patch but get close again. This is the first time i am not sure if i still love him, I have had enough. Not got the guts to tell him. I am making things worse by shutting down, not talking at all to him incase i blurt it out and regret it. i am so close to asking him to go but like you we were ment to be together forever, he use to be my sole mate, don't know what to do.
littlemissconfused on 29 December 2008 at 10:16am said...
hi
this is for the last post, I understand about your shutting off that is exactly what i did I just shut myself away from him and i couldnt talk to him about how I felt so as usual it all lead to misunderstandings because we couldnt communicate but I think he shut himself away from me first and he wouldnt let me in i just got so fed up of trying. Maybe shutting of is the first part of the breakup, i dont know. he did leave me. however myself and my daughter now have to move house as the family home is his and he wont let me buy him out (selfish) although he says he'll never come back to live at the family home. I just dont get that. we are having to move into an area which I dont wanna live but at the moment houses are few and far between especially if you havent got much money. he has said he'll support me financially which is great and I trust he will. I know i could live in the family home until our daughter is old enough to leave home however i didnt want to cause anymore heartache by going through the court to do this and I want to keep this as amicably as possible for the sake of our daughter. thats why Im buying somewhere else I dont know if this is the right thing to do and I honestly thought that by now we might have sorted things out. Last night he asked when i would be moving into the new house, then later text me to ask if there was anyother way to give me security other than moving into another house as this would make everything so final. Im not sure if this is his way of saying he wants try again but until he can actually say that I guess ill just carry on a move out. i am scared that this might all be the wrong thing to do and im not a very positive person which doesnt help. When we both said it was over we had had a massive argument and he said it was over and I agreed i guess that made it easy on my side as he said it. he stayed at the house for a while but made no efforts to get back together and neither did I then when he moved out and that said everything to me. I just thought thats the end, im still finding everything pretty unbelievable I dont know where I belong anymore or even who i really am and what I want im so confused and im really scared of moving into the new house as I feel this will change our relationship forever and it will be very difficult to get back on track if thats what we wanted to do also this would be very confusing for our daughter to move homes. I look back now at how i felt and we could have both easily have changed things just by talking to each other about how we felt rather than letting everything bottle up all the time. But we both shut down from the relationship and then it was all to late. If you have really had enough and you want out then you need to seriously think about how that will happen and it will be very hard you'll think of all the good times but you have also got to keep in mind all the bad times we can all look back with rose tinted glasses, I know its the situation you want out from. not so much him as you sound like you love him deep down. maybe you should tell him how your feeling and see what he says. I wish you courrage, strengh and luck I hope that you can find a way of gettting through this.
DaveAngel on 25 March 2009 at 4:53pm said...
You my friend are dealing with self sacrificing and immolative personality values. It is a heroes journey to love without recrimination or blame someone who is always sacrifcing themselves- with bribes from daughters or otherwise.
When the daughter leaves her she will transfer her ideal onto someone else, whoever she pities the most. She is practicing to be a saint, but times and things will change her.
If ever she wants to reassert her identity then others will feel threatened and will fight to keep her trapped. If she acted from her heart then she might even feel that it is a selfish thing to do and try to cut this self satisfying aspect of her nature out. Ask a nun how it feels and you might begin to understand what her journey will look like.
Although you have to respect her commitment and dedication, you have to assess your own needs realistically. She is using you as a support and this is how you feel trapped and guilty. To ask you to die after her is extremely cunning and manipulative and selfish, and even though she probably has moved on from that oath she is happy for you to be under that spell.
This is cultish logic that I see before me...if you are part of a group that shares these ideals then your situation will become vastly more complex. You are expected to sacrifice all to meet the grade or the holy sanctuary.
The only remedy if this is the case is to stand alone and allow the buffeting of recriminations, self doubt and loneliness to do what they may until the storm subsides.
I am your brother in my heart and will help u through compassion to weather the gales, fogs, miasmas and blasting heat...
daveangel.
Epop84 on 16 August 2009 at 9:37am said...
Um Ok. I don't really understand what Dave Angel here was saying. But we'll forget about whatever it is he was trying to say. I am 25yrs old. Female. Lost my Dad too. At the time I wasn't really given a chance to deal with the feelings of loss. It's complicated but please go to my blog and read all about it- if you want to distract yourself and not txt your ex for a while. Anyways, I dealt with the loss of my father by drinking, having sex, more sex, and pretty much did whatever I could to distract myself and just be close to my partner.
And you know what else I think about your situation? I think that if you stop txting her and wait to see how she responds might tell you something. I know she will at least be wondering why you stopped...Idk. I'm not the best person to take advice from but from my own experience the our partners or any person in particular does not respond well to begging. I know. I have groveled and all it got me was more embarrassed and feeling foolish...and worse. I'm sorry- your situation sucks ass, man I feel bad for you. I only say this because I was shut out by my guy, but I really screwed up.
My post is tagged under "help". It's a heeeelllll of a long read. But if you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I need a dude's perspective.
Wish you & your situation the best! Epop
Epop84 on 16 August 2009 at 9:40am said...
lol damn. I wish I could edit out "the" It's not supposed to be there. But hopefully you get the idea of what I was trying to say.
askey on 07 October 2009 at 8:36am said...
ye lol id forget what daveangel was trying to say , he seems to over compliate things - basically i think you should be ready for her when she is ready to speak - leave to do her own thing - maybe the timing might be essential too if you wish to contact her, good luck and hope everything works out fine
mzcarrot on 22 December 2009 at 5:06pm said...
i lost my mom, amd i have to say as hard as it is you need to leave her alone, dont try and understand shes already telling you what she needs and that is space, you are reacting very badly to what you have perceived as a rejection and initially thats not what she did she just asked for space thats it. a time like this looseing a parent is horrific and its a personal thing too. i think there is a good chance that if you had been patient she would have gotten back in touch. my dear i do understand its hard and pretty heart breaking however you are actually giving in to your urge which is your insecurities and not really thinking that this could be making it far worse for you. i agree with the girl above dont call txt nothing leave her and see what happens, i think the therapy is a good idea because you may have a particular sensitivty to rejection yourself which might be causing some of your desperation. good luck : )