I have been with my girlfriend for about 3 and half years. We had a baby last year and that’s when the relationship began to break down. I worked a lot of hours to keep the mortgage paid and cover all the bills while my girlfriend was on paternity leave. I was happy to do this but at the same time it left me hardly any time to spend with my new family. It got to a point where I was just coming home for a few hours then back to work I went.
When our child got older I wanted my girlfriend to let her hair down and go out. So if an opportunity came up for my girlfriend to go out I organised a member of the family to look after our child so my girlfriend could have some time for herself while she was still on paternity leave. Mean while I carried on working all the hours I could take. I thought that this would help my girlfriend to have a break from mother hood. It did at first but then my girlfriend began to talk about having family time and time with our child. I felt upset and felt that I had sacrificed a lot so that my girlfriend could relax while I carried on bringing in the money. I began to get that upset I would prefer to stay at work than to go home. Maybe I felt unappreciated because I felt I was trying to make her life easier but at the same time it was making mine harder?
As time went on arguments began to take shape and they escalated into shouting matches. It seemed the love that was once there between my girlfriend and me had gone and this is all what we had left. It came to a point in one argument where my girlfriend went out and never returned home the following morning. I went to work as usual and my girlfriend called me at work. We had a huge argument while I was on the phone at work and I lost my temper and told my girlfriend to leave. When I got home later that day she was gone. I felt like my hole life had fallen apart. I had everything now nothing. How did this relationship turn into such a complete mess? I know why know by looking round this web site.
After my girlfriend left things got worse. The property I live in is one of my parents properties. I spoke to my girlfriend to ask her to come back and she told me that she wouldn’t come back unless she was put on the mortgage. After the past couple of months of arguments and dismantlement of the relationship I was very reluctant to even think this and refused. My girlfriend then proceeded to ask me to set up a meet with my parents to discuss putting her on the mortgage. I understood that my girlfriend felt that she needed security but taking into account all that had happened would it really be a wise move? I set up the meet with my parents anyway. My parents work shift work as well as I do so its sometimes hard to get everyone at the same time and place. I let my girlfriend know that it was all set and she was happy. I then received a phone call at work it was my girlfriend saying that she now wants the day changing and to meet at different times. I just got upset and told her to ring my parents and sort it out with them. I rang my parents to say that my girlfriend will be calling and that I had just had enough of this hole situation. The next thing I knew is that it all turned into a family feud between both family’s mostly my mum and my girlfriend.
Recently we have been talking and want to give it a second try. We have seen where we have gone wrong and feel we need to talk more with each other to resolve our problems. There is one other thing that bothers me. Before all this happened my girlfriend had a great relationship with my family especially my mum and I am now worried that so many words have been said and that the relationship between my mother and my girlfriend will never be the same again. I don’t know?
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Anonymous on 21 February 2009 at 5:13am said...
Gosh you are in a pickle hun, you have my sympathies....its not easy starting a family.
Firstly, you need to go back to basics, remember why you love her in the first place, you know, pre-baby? You both need time together, not just seperately, I understand that'll be hard but surely you get paid holiday entitlement, which used cleverly, can give you plenty of time together (obviously could depend on your line of work) It sounds very similar to my friends situation. He works alot and shes at home with the baby. He takes his holidays on a friday and monday, giving him 4 days off, and over a bank holiday its even better - he gets 5 days! You and your girlfriend should try taking an evening away from everything...book a hotel (doesnt have to be lavish or far away...a nice little b and b would be perfect and intimate) just so you can remember why your together in the first place. Re-ignite that flame baby!!!
With regards to the mortgage, i can see how she would want security, but that shouldnt be a big issue when other things are clearly more important to sort out. This is something you need to discuss all together, unfortunately this sounds harsh but im sure there can be a time when you are all together, meet somewhere mutual, pub lunch maybe, where everyone is relaxed and less likely to cause a scene. It wont be the same between people, but when children are involved people cant hold grudges, its just not fair. Life goes on, and so should friendships.
James (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 21 February 2009 at 5:32pm said...
A new baby brings great joy but can also be a testing time for the parents' relationship. There are some good advice in the previous comments. I would also add the importance of talking to each other and understand each other's feelings. If you are not able to do that on your own may be a relatioship counselling organisation might help. There is also some very good information in the 'check it out' section of this site. If you want to work things out on your own there are some good exercises in the 'work it out' section. I wish you all the best.
Anonymous on 22 February 2009 at 3:50pm said...
Thankyou for your comments. Its good to get other peoples points of view from neutral ground. I am happy to have found this web site. Thankyou all!
Steve on 23 February 2009 at 12:31am said...
I recently sent a post in titled New Parents Relationship Breakdown. I have had some great feedback. Thank you all. Anyway myself and my girlfriend have spoken about our relationship problems and have decided to give it another go. Now as I am thinking about things should I really give it a second chance? I don’t know if I am doing the right thing and feel confused.
The talk got of to a good start and it looked as if we where on the same lines but when things where mentioned such as the house my girlfriend stated that she did not want to be living in the house for long and that she didn’t want to live this side of town because my girlfriend cant rely on my family anymore because of what has happened. I don’t really want to move to the other side of town and plus I would like to sort my finances out first and that is going to take me a few years. My girlfriend also states that she does not want anything from my family or my mother so I have to be the one to organise the child care between my family because my girlfriend wont even speak to my mother.
I just feel that so much has been said and the relationship is not saveable? Our child is being christened in 2 months time and I am not comfortable with having a christening party afterwards. I have told my girlfriend its to soon and that it would be or quad putting the families together but she is adamant to do this. I wish things where so different but its just a mess. Please help!