Hi I am new to this site and a bit nervous to go into my situation.
I have been on and off with my partner for over 3 years and love him more than anything. Problem is we are not together right now but we spk every day and both clearly want to be together it just seems that things from our past are preventing this especially from his side of things. He seems to think that there is no way we can tackle these issues for our relationship to work. He is not very good at communicationg and bottles alot if not all of his feelings up and im really struggling with what to do...we cant keep away from eachother but he is adamant that these issues will always affect us
Does anyone have any advice at all??
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Justapuppy on 08 October 2008 at 10:10am said...
Hi anon,
Happy to welcome you to thecoupleconnection! You don't say too much, but do you know much about the history - as in is your relationship history together, his past, or yours? Sometimes it's really tough to get past the old, and get on with the new.
Again, I'm not sure of the specifics, but if one of you has been abused etc. counselling might be a good idea. If it's your relationship history together, maybe it's an ongoing process of building trust?
Just my thoughts!
bambi on 08 October 2008 at 6:24pm said...
anon,
it is not clear from your post what issues are affecting your relationship. Also, as justapuppy says, it is hard to know whether the issues are to do with the both of you (i.e. something that happen in your relationship before) or to one/both of you in past relationships.
It feels that you need to find a way of talking to each other. It may be that asking help, professional or even just from friends or family, is the best way of going about it. Until you understand exactly how both of you feel about each other but also about the past, it is difficult to build a solid, long-lasting relationship. However, it does seem that you are pretty much in love so... it is worth putting your effort into it.
Good luck!
Anonymous on 09 October 2008 at 11:04am said...
thank you for your comments!! My partner has alot of issues from his childhood but the main issues that are affecting us are issues from things that have happened in our relationship in the past which are to do with both of us. I have tried as best I can to put his part in things to the back of my mind as i have realised that the past is not important anymore and us being together is whats important, however my partner cannot seem to do this at all. He is ok for a while but then it just all comes up again.
I would love to try counselling as I think that this maybe the only thing that would work
missrosy on 09 October 2008 at 4:39pm said...
It seems to me that councelling woul be your only option. These things keep coming back because you are both not dealing with them. They most definately won't just go away. If you both want to save your relationship then you will both have to commit 100% to councelling.
Good luck
x
Molly on 13 October 2008 at 1:27pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
Hi to anon who started this thread,
You sound like you have been struggling, and communicating for you both has become difficult. Sometimes, its because we are in the "safety" of a loving relationship, that issues that perhaps need to be resolved from the past, make themselves known or felt, and then seem to get in the way of the relationship developing. Other contributers to this thread have been encouraging and suggesting counselling as an option, so you could contact Marriage Care 0845 660 6000 and/or Relateline 0845 130 40 10, where someone would be able to answer any questions you may have and help you make contact with a counsellor in your area. Counselling helps couples really listen to each other, and counsellors are there to suport the others' listening and not to give advise. If you have a look around the Check it Out section of this site you may also find that helpful too, and the "hidden issues" of the Relationship Insights in particular.
I wonder if other visitors to this site have any comments or experiences of counselling that they may want to share.
I do hope you find this helpful and that things work out for both of you.
JanP
Anonymous on 21 October 2008 at 10:35am said...
When I and my wife were arguing a lot we went for counselling and found it surprisingly helpful. It did take some persuading to get me there but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I think we understand each other a bit more now and can communicate better. We still argue a bit but we now seem more able to compromise. Give it a go.
Anonymous on 14 October 2009 at 4:15pm said...
It sounds like you are both having a very difficult time. Relationships have their challenges and can be difficult at times, but the most important thing is that you both trust, love and want the best for one another.
Without knowing specifics, it is hard to comment accurately, so forgive me if I misinterpret, however from what you do say, there are two very huge hurdles in the way of moving forward and that is when you say;
'He seems to think that there is no way we can tackle these issues for our relationship to work.
'...he is adamant that these issues will always affect us.'
Very strong and uncompromising words...very telling about how he views your relationship. Unless he is willing to move beyond this position, you cannot move forward as a couple. It takes courage and committment to deal with painful things...how committed is he to your relationship? Does he/you use these issues as a reason not to move forward and pursue a happier, healthier relationship?
Sorry to be harsh...but it also looks like you are doing all the work here and that he has made up his mind, but still wants you in his life to make him feel better about himself. You say you can't keep away from oneanother...but what are you really getting from one another...passion is a very strong motivator, but tragic passion can be poison. You need to find out what you have...
Counselling is definately worth looking at if you want to save this relationship...but it doesn't work miracles...you have to be committed and be prepared to work at it...there is no magic wand. But above all, you need to know for you what you really want for you before you can look at what you want for your relationship.
It might be time for some very difficult questions if you are ever to move forward and be truly happy again...whether with or without him.
Good luck.