I've been with my bf for 14 months (we'd been together for 8 yrs in our teens, and then got back together when our relationships with other partners failed....long story). My bf moved in with me and my two children and initially things were going great. Unfortunately things did not go well for him when he moved...he couldn't get his business off the ground, his ex prevented contact with his daughter for several months, and he discovered he was in a lot of debt (obviously I am cutting the full story short). Also my ex caused a few problems last year - we were just beginning the divorce and settling the house when my bf moved over. As time's gone by, he's frequently brought up my past with my ex and blatantly has issues over the fact that the children aren't his (he deeply regrets us finishing the first time round). He's found it really hard living in the house which had belonged to me and my husband. He is paranoid that I've still got feelings for ex's, even tho he's the only one I ever wanted. He is very negative about a lot of things and overreacts very quickly when simple comments are made (when he painted and I commented that there was paint on the skirting board that we needed to get off, his responses all revolved around my ex being perfect?!) His comments are very upsetting and not in any way constructive, however I do know, undoubtedly, that he loves me - a lot of his issues continue to be issues that he had a long time ago. Obviously my main concern is whether he is a good role model to my children, and whether it is a positive environment for them to be in. He is very loving and affectionate and is a very sensitive person, but I feel that his reactions to things are very destructive. Things escalate very quickly and no matter what I say or do, I cannont calm him down. He has been to the doctor on a couple of occasions. He was given tablets last year, which didn't last very long (to calm him down) and he has also been for a psychiatric assessment. He has also been referred to a psychiatrist by the doctor. I see these as positive steps, but I do not know whether things will change enough for our relationship to ever work out. I love him so much. He is constantly on self-destruct and I'm finding it so hard to deal with. He won't tell me what's going on in his head (a lot relates to his past and the Army) He's stayed away tonight to think about things, and whilst he constantly tells me how sorry he is, and that he wants a future with me, I am finding it hard to see how things are going to change.
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Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 19 February 2009 at 4:07pm said...
You recognise that it is very positive that your bf is getting help and will be seeing a psychiatrist, who will be able to help him to explore his feelings of jealousy and anger. I wonder if you could do with some support yourself while this is going on, do you have someone among your friends or family that you could talk to at this difficult time - also, have a look at www.camh.net which gives a lot of useful advice for partners of people with mental health issues.
Anonymous on 01 March 2009 at 8:47pm said...
Please help me. We had a really good week and 2 days, after he'd left for a night to think things over. Then the troubles started and he's gone off on one about my ex husband again. He's driving me around the bend cause he won't listen to me. He hates that it's my house - he's been screaming at the top of his voice and swearing, with my two children upstairs (so I said not to behave like it in my house). He says I'm protecting my ex, when I say I don't want things said. He doesn't understand that I need to be able to move on. His appointment in on Friday which I know is fairly soon but I know that even then the changes will be slow. I'm currently in a lot of discomfort with throat problems, which I am having looked at, so all these arguements are just making things a whole lot worse. I don't have anyone to talk to really and right now I just want to leave so he can't say these hurtful things to me anymore. I love him so much and he's generally great for my children, but I can't cope when things are like this.
DaveAngel on 28 March 2009 at 9:43pm said...
Perhaps the crunch will be for him to get his own place and then show that he can provide and get it all set up...
This disruption is probably really scaring the kids and causing them alot of fear and anxiety...as well as you...
If he cant get in control of this then he has some serious self control issues and lacks a sense of others ppls feelings and emotional needs and boundaries...
I guess I am a bit disappointed that you feel he is the one for you, because I wouldnt be surprised if you have to remove him from 'your home'.
What is he like as a person, as a provider, as a partner in general, most of the time?
I am really interested to hear your story unfold, but am not feeling informed enough to make much comment...
What else can you see in the way of things that can help clarify what it is like and what you are going thru?
daveangel.
DaveAngel on 28 March 2009 at 10:13pm said...
I AM DEEPLY CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELFARE!!!
(you need to be very careful in my opinion; I will explain)
What strikes you when I mention the word mind-games? (first impression)
And what about fight/flight responses?
Is he hypervigilant? (this means that he is always in threat assessment mode)
Has he seen combat?
Might he have PTSD- not just from being in combat, but from being a soldier in the ADF...and the whole military regime? (Any info about what branch and what job and where stationed would help if the PTSD thing resonates. I can research this for you...but no names..)
Has anyone assessed this possibility of trauma from the ADF? or civilian??
Alot of men generally are hypervigilant, and they mostly always crack, over and over...it is the stress...and not enough insight and/or coping mechanisms.
They can be a menace. Although an ex soldier with hypervigilance walking the streets would be relatively rare...readjustment to civilian life is often more the problem.
If he is coming from that place, trauma, then I think you might find it will not be a huge unending grind of torment, but quick and sharp...a real and tangible improvement over generally short periods of time, with tried and tested methods. He needs to have the right diagnosis if this is the case.
If he has negative qualities like rudeness, lack of manners, arrogance, obnoxiousness, defiance to authority and anti-system/social attitudes and ideologies and a lack of tact...then it is back to mind games and they are a real chore and can take years...
It is about you and the kids welfare in the last analysis, and if he is disturbed mentally, I would also be aware of signs that he might become extremely dangerous and violent due to his obsessions. If so then I think you would be well advised to calmly and confidentially inform the authorities and secretly plan your escape if necessary...
(I say ADF because I am in Australia... Australian Defense Force.)
daveangel.
Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 02 April 2009 at 11:40am said...
Dear Anonymous
I understand that the previous commenter has concerns for the welfare of yourself and your children, but it can be unhelpful to make medical diagnoses on a site such as this, whose purpose is to offer support in relationship difficulties rather than to possibly add to a poster's anxieties. If you are worried about the safety of your children and yourself, please consider contacting Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 - website www.womensaid.org.uk - if you are in the UK, or see www.hotpeachpages.net if you are in another country. If you are not in danger, it is very positive that your boyfriend is getting help from his doctor and from a psychiatrist, they are the experts and will help him address whatever is going on for him. Good luck, let us know how you are getting on if that would help you.
DaveAngel on 02 April 2009 at 12:29pm said...
No comment?