Wedding or not?
I have been with my partner for 4 and half years and things really couldn't have been better. We are getting married in August this year. However, last week he got really drunk at a party and had sex with another girl. He told me straight away, has been nothing but honest with me (he's rubbish at lying) and has answered everything I've asked, and has been understanding with me (as he bloody well should!).
His reasons for doing it were as understandable as they could be. She did all the talking, he was weak and naive and pathetic and allowed himself to convince himself that I wouldn't need to know. He's said that since he did it, he knows he couldn't do that to me, knowing how he feels now, and he's sure he could not act in the same way again.
I've always believed that a cheat does not necessarily need to be the end of a relationship (depending on the circumstances), and the relationship we had was great enough and strong enough to work deserve working on. So I'm not finishing things with him. However, the wedding is causing me stress. Although I never had major fantasies about my wedding (I'm about as un-bridal as you get), this has changed all my expectation as to what a wedding is about. To make things more complicated I don't really know what those expectations were. I don't want to cancel the wedding because I know that in time we'll be fine, but equally, am I going to be totally happy expressing my love for him in front of all our family and friends when there are still issues that we're working through?
Any words of advice would be appreciated.
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yellowduck on 01 July 2010 at 11:51am said...
Hi There,
I know how you feel. Me and my partner are planning to marry next year Easter, we have been together for 6 years and have a 3 year old daughter. We also are going through issues (not related to cheating, but more related to the day to day dynamics of a relationship). I believe you and your partner need to continue with the wedding in August, as we do in April. Relationships are a developmental thing. They are constantly developing, sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a not so positive way. if we don't experience the negatives sometimes, our relationships won't experience growth because we will not get to find out how to manage certain situations and what we should do as a couple to get through these less than easy times. What your partner did was wrong, which he acknowledged almost immediately. However, you now unfortunately know what it is to feel like this, and hopefully what you need to do to work through this time. You need to let him know how this has made you feel, regardless of the circumstances that led him to this act and that its not a behaviour you are willing to condone, but on the other hand you need to let him know that you need time to get yourself through this emotionally and that the wedding vows you are about to make don't sit comfortably with what happened recently. If he has any sense he will understand how you feel and support you through this time of emotional turmoil.
Concerning feeling 'unbridal' It would not be unusual to feel this was at the moment because of what you have been through, but just focus as you already have started to do on the light at the end of the tunnel. Be strong and you will get through that wedding day.
Good luck
CurlyPoppy on 01 July 2010 at 12:28pm said...
Thank you. Everything you've said has had a particular resonance with me, which leads me to believe that I had made this decision on some level. It really helps to have an outside opinion just confirming it with me! Thank you.