how much space is..enough?
how much space is enough?
last couple of days is hell. i didnt know what else to do.
i am looking into a place to move out as soon as possible, because staying with him FT is where the problem starts. but now, while he understands that i need time to gather money to find a place, he also needs to prepare himself to be able to pay everything for the place we're currently living.
it's so hard on me, i try to give him space as much as i can during the week, cos i work from 9 to 6.
my friend ask me to stop being a crying slob, and be cool and dont act desperate, just try to act normal even if its hard to do. how should i do around him? what would he perceive if i act different rather than a crying slob?
i really love him and i thought he's the one. we been through a lot of things together to be able to come to this point of a relationship. i want to remind him, the person he fell in love with the first place (its not that he doesnt love me anymore) he just thinks we are too dependent on each other..so i know that me moving out would make a big changes in our relationship cos finally that will give him some chances for him to miss me..
but i want to know that its not the end of our relationship, i am willing to make the change and move out and be independent.
i had terrible dreams last night and i would wake up and hold his arm close to me, and he did the same ;( i know he is confused as much as i am
how much space is enough to let him think and not totally separate from him??
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Anonymous on 28 June 2010 at 6:36pm said...
hi there trishyy i have read your previous post "i am confused" and the comment from hannalbamf. i can see where you are coming from, as my partner is the same (you know what i mean). whenever something goes wrong, and we have an argument, it does not matter what the issue. it always comes back to "you dont want me to have friends and family". like im holding him back from being him and he's doing me a favour "putting up with me". i went to a bbq sat and he come out with a joke about something that had gone on between us , in the bedroom. but it was with his family there. i felt really hurt and betrayed, like he was using our sex life to get a cheap laugh. or a laugh at my expense.
i told him and he said sorry (like sworry) and dint take it serious. things didnt go well and the next day we argued and i left. he then says i dont want him to have family and friends and want to be up his arse and have him up mine and he cant have a joke or laugh with anyone as he is with me. if i dont want someone with friends and family why dont i just go be with an orphan. WTF!! i only said could he not discuss our sex life to his family!.
whenever we have a argument its always "you dont want me to have freinds and family". its been that way. from the very beggining.
then in a calm conversation i will ask him if he feels this way, or about anything and he will say no he doesnt feel this way or that way. then 3 months later or so it will come out the woodwork. and everytime we go through a rough patch the other statement will come out.
i am unsure as how to advise you. personally i would say if he is asking for a break after 2 years its not a good thing. although it means you moved in roughly after 6 months together?. yes it is hard living together as it makes more realities come true. but he should still want you with him.
having said that, maybe he just wanted the honeymoon period together longer (you living apart and missing each other) . i have heard of couples being together 4-5 years before moving in together. every couple is different. you say you know he still loves you.
only he knows how much time is enough for him to feel he has space. does he work fulltime and do you?
i think your friend saying your being a crying slob is a bit unsupportive. if he seems distant, crying in front of him will only make you feel worse and ridculous. you are only feeling emotions so cry in private if possible.
hurts like hell when they go cold and distant cos it makes you feel they dont care (and with me pretending, to get there own way). i wonder if they then start to show there true colours. but in your partners case i may be wrong. maybe stress of being in your own place , together, without safety net of your family supposrting you and interaction. (it sounds as though you live together alone).
i can only say as hard as it and as much as it hurts and makes you feel you are the one always caring, give him space and let him miss you. dont call just when your tempted too. dont call. so when you do call , you would only have called to touch base. and make sure he dont fob you off with answers. as long as you left it what you think is a long enough period for him to think calmly (a few days, 3-4 maybe??. bt not a few hours) then he should be able to give you an answer,
i really hope things are ok and you stay strong cos you are : ) and he realises he just needed a bit of a break to de-stress.
best whises update to say how its gone if you can XXX
trishyy on 28 June 2010 at 7:20pm said...
hi thanks for your advise.
since the problem comes from me staying there FT with him and we really don't have major problems in our relationship, i just think by me moving out would help to resolve a lot of issues between us (or how he felt about not being able to branch out).
I genuinely thought our foundation is strong, because of we backed each other up and supported each other when we each other had personal issues to deal with while nobody understood. We were there.
He said to me over the weekend "you gonna be independence to be able to make the relationship stronger. there's lot of love here, and i do love you"
I guess i just want to remind him of the person he fell in love with at the first place, by having my own life, be independence, by making those changes, then maybe he'll see i am still the same person that i once was. its easy to say than done...i am so sad.
Anonymous on 28 June 2010 at 9:27pm said...
(previous and 1st commenter). your welcome trishyy its nice to try and help someone , espically if you feel in a similar situation.
oh ok so you do genrally have a good relationship its just not having the space ok. and its so nice to hear he said that over the weekend thats theres a lot of love here and he does love you. it sounds as though he means that : ). so it just genuinely he needs more space from the sounds of things.
can i ask if you decided to move in together or was you in a position where you had to no choice (you had nowhere to go ect)??.
yes it is easier said than done and to clear the mist that sometimes settles on relationships and makes it seem it wont ever be the same again.
i am really sorry to hear that you are hurting : ( its the worse thing to feel like you are hurting beacuse of the person you love as they should be the one person that makes you happy.
hope i didnt upset you in what i said in the first comment or sound judgemental i really didnt mean to.
hope you are ok and things work out real soon xx
trishyy on 28 June 2010 at 9:56pm said...
hi
yeah we moved here together from another state, moving in together was kinda like i didnt have a choice then, but things were good until the last couple weeks.
it looks like he just needs space, to you know have some independency between us, and i totally agree on that. he didn't say things are over between us, but just say if i move out, things would be a lot better and different. so i am planning my move as soon as i can.
i know it must be extremely stupid for me to be a crying baby for the past few days, cos he said it makes him sad to see me like this, but i do want to show him that, i respect his feelings and space, and i'll give him that, no matter how much it hurts me, i'll let him figure his things out, whether or not he wants to be with me..(thats unclear)
i have been reading a lot of articles and all suggest i should act cool and calm, express that i accept he needs some space to figure what he really wants and if he thinks our relationship worths.
nope you didn't hurt my feeling. i am gonna go back home in about an hour then i'll see him..i jsut want him to feel different about me today, like stop being so sad, tell him that i respect his needs.
sigh
Anonymous on 29 June 2010 at 12:24am said...
oh ok so it kind of put a unnessacary pressure on an otherwise good relationship, moving state together.
ok so you say he hasent said its over. but on the other hand things are unclear. can you not talk to him say that all the above and show him , you are more than willing to give him his space to think, to make for a better relationship. you just want to know there is a possibilty of a relationship left once you have given him space and time to think . say once he can assure you , you will do all you can to respect his wishes and make things better and be more independant.
you talk about him needing space, time to think, and expressing that you should be independant.
but how do YOU feel. do you think you need space and feel smotherved living together. or did you feel comfortable and content with living together. ? maybe it would be good to think how you feel and think things could be improved its not all about one person, its both xxx
trishyy on 29 June 2010 at 1:11am said...
yeah i think for the most part, as much as we enjoy living with one another, we kinda forgot the importance of having independance life, we are with one another most of the time, there's nothing left to miss. our lives has become too predictable, as if we have been married for ages. he just has the impression to think that you can't have both - while having a steady relationship and having a separate life at the same time when you live under the same roof.but i want to tell him that, you could have both. having a steady r/l doesnt mean your life with going out with friends and exploring what you like to do is over.
he didn't say about a definitely break up, he just said he needs some time to think about what he really wants, to regroup his thoughts.
actually today is a day for me to regroup my thoughts at work (luckily my boss wasnt around), when i got back home after work, i told him that i respect what he told me and that he needs space to figure things out. I reassure him that i have already been looking for a place to move out, he said that's good to know and that i understand where he's coming from. He gave me a very long hug and kiss my forehead. (i couldn't do that when i was too distrubed the past few days). so i put on a light mood, asked him how his day was, he asked me the same. he said that i don't act like myself, i said how should i act, he said you usually come back and be on your computer and watch TV. i said 'well i dont want to do that today" so he looked at me surprise that i no longer acted like a crying slob and really starting to come to terms that, he just needs his space. it's not about me, there's love between us.
i believe that, our love could overcome this, it's just part of exploring ourselves, finding the meaning of life, without the other person. that's what we were missing and didn't do.
i know that, it's healthy to have separate life to be able to have some time alone without the other person around. I am not sure if one person has to be living in another place to be able to get that, but in my situation, i think, we have always lived together and never really have a chance to have 2 places that could go back n forth, so now maybe i just take a step back, and do that.
i really love him and i want to make it work. while he's doing that, i want to figure out what has changed me to become the person i am today, what are the things that i used to do when we first got together and now i am not doing, cos we get too comfortable? in the end, i just want to remind him the person he first fell in love with.