Flirting Vs Faithful. Please help!
Myself and my husband have been arguing alot at the moment. Things seem to stem from small conversations where I find myself curious and wanting to ask more about my husbands perspective on something, in order to understand him and then to understand my differences.
Just recently a full blown row happened over the discussion brought up by something he said. On the topic of what seems to be my problem of feeling insecure about other women giving him attention. We both mentioned it happens and knowing we both trust one another, im not sure why i seemed to be threatened and upset by this statement he made. Mentioning flirting is nothing and its harmless. I replied with why do you think its harmless. He started getting annoyed. (This is a regular occurence in our arguements, he gets annoyed when Im asking bout something that has offended me or actually made me cry and then its gets even more dramatic and i get really bad anxiety normally when this happens at this stage of fighting he ends up not even wanting to help the situation by suggesting things or seeing how much it hurts me)
I got really upset because i said i could see where your coming from and what he was implying after i said well why didn't you say i love you and thats what matters and i come home to you and i dont care about anyone else. He finds it hard to open up normally so sometimes its hard to make up what he means and ignore the temper and anger. He shouts im not agreeing with you! and then decides thats enough and walks out of the room for a cigarette to calm down.
So things become heated with questions about do you care - what is your problem - why do i always cry and he gets frustrated because he says he doesn;'t understand ) Our rows are so common on sensitive subjects that i always struggle to find contentment in not worrying about things. I know he loves me and his reply is i wouldn't of married you if i didnt love you the way i do.
He sometimes suggests i love having a fight or picking one. But im such a caring and loving person its coming to some mutal understanding/ educated decison on both our outlooks and not necessarily agreeing to suit one party. i like to be fair and i hate getting so shakey and upset. He managed to say he wanted to not ever see me like that again - no more big arugements and that he wanted to help. Which is the only thing i;ve ever wanted. I now know he says things ie flirt thing and wishes he never brought it up and sometimes even says yes and does things cause he doesn't want the torture of fights or seeing me unhappy so he agrees or does things i want to. I hate that so much, and because i know it - i feel like i have to question everything in my mind and can never be relaxed when we're nice and happy.
There's always that thought in my mind that what i know is true, but hard to think everything he may say is true. It makes our trust jaded. I said to him well it wouldn't be you i'd be concerned about if you and someone at work flirted - its the girl who does it. My ex scarred me there, him and another girl who had a long term partner would always engage and do nothing harmless, but both myself and her partner started to get very un easy when we were all out - seeing them quite close and she would never talk to me and i felt for her bf and knew then i wasn't being dramatic.
Girls just like boys who dont care will do anything they can to break happiness - some who envy or just want someone like my husband. He's a great guy and fairly attractive to most i would say. Its hurts me when he said but i dont care about other women and its just harmless flirting eveyone does it. i said yes i do sometimes at work with ppl i get along quite well with. But i said to him if i hurt you over something like this i wouldnt of made out its ok to flirt and say what he said. Then the following day he said (after starting new job) that im going to make dinner and we'll talk about things and i have a couple of ideas. Then that night i was like are you coming home still as he said im on route to be back soon. then he said work ppl have invited me out for a welcome drink and he ended up having a few, then came home and wasn't drunk bad just a lil tired, and i went mental and he did back and i ripped up pictures and i was so distraught because i was so happy when he text me saying he was basically now wanting to help and wanted to do something nice - but took priority over me for work drinks.
He said i know i know im such a idiot i dont know why i've done this - and you tell me. it was so frustrating because he hurt me but was so confuse that he made out its wasnt intentional, i just did. I said how could you do this and i feel manipulated and a idiot for actually getting my hopes up thinking you wanted to help this and us move on from the crap. I said im the priority and we're the priority before that - work because of what happened night before and last with fights. Anytime you wanted a drink it'd be fine. He said but you are the priority and i dont know why you would think that work comes before you. I felt like i was talking to a brick wall.
I've said I can't do it all on my own. He's also older by four years and with me I'm the one with more relationship experience. We've been married for year and few months. I seem to be the one and they only he has ever wanted and loved - hence marriage and he's everything to me that i just do and what to do more because he's the only guy who i've loved very strongly and the guy who has turned my world upside down.
I'm sure there's things he would mention about me on how he feels. Living with someone and then being married is one of the hardest yet most rewarding, beautiful thing.
I dont know how to communicate at times anymore and dont feel relaxed enough to say or ask because he reacts in the opposite of the topic and i guess he hates it just as i, but how can i get things in perspective?
Please give advice if you've been through similar experience or think maybe i am just clueless and can't see something
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Sinead (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 21 June 2010 at 6:22pm said...
Dear Anonymous8, You seem to be going through a really turbulent time in your relationship. It may well be that you are moving to a different stage in your marriage. This is a normal part of marriage and you will find it described very well in the 'Stages of relationships ' video in the 'check it out'section of this website. You sound confident that your husband does love you and it may help both of you manage this stage if you register on the 'work it out'section of this site, where you will find questionnaires etc which you can both do to help you get a better understanding of each other. You might also choose to have some relationship counselling. You can find contact details for Relate and Marriage Care if you click on external links on the right of this page. Your previous relationship is probably a factor in how you are reacting to your husband now and relationship counselling would help you deal with this. I hope you find a way forward.