am i just being unreasonable??
hi there
i imagine this is a common problem but i needed some perspective.
my partners not in full but in some contact with his ex which isnt anything unusal.she's on his facebook. he works in the same place as she lives. he has always gotten jobs in that area and goes on about living there, when he knows its an area i dont want to live in. i know he has no interest in her in that way and loves me wholly. but it always seems to all revolve around that one place. it does make me think what is the great fascination with the place.
they have known each other years , from since school and were only 14 and 15 a piece when they went out and were never physical (whats the problem you say?). she was hoping for more but he wasent interested in her as more than friends so they split up. quite a bit of time past and he went out with a few girls then met me.
when he 1st told me they were in contact by text i didnt think too much of it, until about 2 months after we started going out when she went to visit him. he answered the door with his baby nephew and she give him a dirty look, and he said the whole time they were talking she seemed jealous. the texting was still ok till about 6 months later. then we went into the shop she worked in, (i forgot she was working there till we were in there) and he went up to the counter and left me standing where i was, to wander over while he talked and she said im guessing this is your girlfriend. to which he replied get it right. (as he had told her on the phone we were engaged). i stood there while they had a conversation and then she said to him we should go out sometime. and said a area and he just said not there thats boring. then he didnt attempt hold my hand till after we left the shop.
then after that the txting was most of the time. he said it was because until she met me, she thought he had been making me up. so then texting was frequent and it come across she wasent a good old friend from school and seeing how he was, just jealous of our relationship and trying to send a message to me, so it was causing friction and arguments and after a bigish argument , he went outside and asked her to stop texting so much and give it a rest. although it seemed kind of just to please me.not beacuse he actually wanted her to stop.
so she text him to tell her the proper address to send his card (as exmas was bout 3-4 months away.) things continued and other things on top of it, we ended up having our 1st ever break, for a week which really hurt me, i felt it was down to her that the break happend, which hurt even more. but we missed each over a lot and worked things out and said never to fight like that again.
then that christmas i got him a lovely new phone as he needed it and it come with a new chip. he decided not to give her the new number , which i was really (honestley) relived about. for over a year it was peace and quiet no arguments and friction over one person. he moved in a few months later, then later that year he got a job in her area.
then after the next christmas he informed me his mum had gone into her shop and given her, his new number. and she had said to his mum that my partner had text her saying he didnt talk to her , because i didnt like it, to cause arguments between his mum and him. my heart sunk . the friction returned
then the very next month, she text him about her birthday and coming out. then the next day on valentines day he told my family he "bumped" into her in the pub in the afternoon and sat with her until the evening when she left to go meet a freind. i had got him a bag of valentines day gifts and nice card and looked forward to spending time with him after work. he hadent gotten me anything. he went to sleep not long after i came home from work. i was really hurt by the whole thing and cried myself to sleep. i lost my job the next day.
he didnt see what the fuss was about. he said i was upset about my job, that what brought it all on. he said to my family that he would make it up on my birthday a few weeks later. we had a big row night before my birthday (over work) and he said he didnt think i deserved to be taken out. the money he was gonna use to take me out he had spent the week before. so we just went out for a bit then come home. i didnt really manage to enjoy anything.
since the pub thing she did seem to calm down , as my partner said he used that time to tell her not to keep texting when she wanted, only when she needed and got her to understand his point of view, so she calmed down thank god. then all went quite for a long while and cam heard from his mum she had had a baby. she seemd to then be busy with baby and the baby seemed to become her priority so i thought ok, she;s ok really.
problem is now because ive been hurt by him when it comes to her as arguments have been caused whereas others wise there wouldnt be any, it makes it tense when she comes up. i suppose he presumes the worst and thinks i dont trust him and am jealous. of course im a little jealous, after all im only human. but im more hurt than anything. hurt that after the fact he said she was only using him when they went out and there relationship was like an empty box, he defends her in arguments or in general. but he's engaged to me, and he says he feels im the person he can be himself with and i understand him. and she's the one person that dosent understand. ive never seen her really contact him just to see how he is, like a real friend, only for reasons (birthdays xmas e.c.t) or it seems a agenda. woudent a true freidn want to know how you are??, a treu freind would seem geuinly happy for you.
it makes me uncomfortable when pepole seem to have anything less than happyness for you. he has over female freinds that im fine with, that seem to respect our relationship and be geuinly happy for us both.
at one point it come to a head and i asked him to cut of contact (which i felt mean doing) and once id explained how i felt he agreed. he wasent working in that area and agreed to cut of contact. i felt bitter sweet cos i didnt want to ask n felt he probly felt i didnt trust him , but felt immense relief. i thought if he didnt understand n did not want to do it he wouldent agree. he stuck to it.
some time past a few months or so. then things went wrong with him n my family and he moved from my family home back home to his dads. he then said she had asked about coming round as she had called his mum. i said i thought you were no longer in contact with her now, he said well now im back home if she comes round i have to see her. and now he got a job in her area, again, he says as he is going to bump into her at some point he may aswell call her to meet. he said this as recent as today, after i had told him i had found out a old school friend of mine had passed away. all he said was oh. and then went on to tell me he was thinking of meeting up with her beacuse she had wrote a msg on his facebook wall.
she has had a baby, thats a year old now. when she called his mum to tell her, she supposedly said that she wished she had, had the baby by my partner. what do ya do with that! well my partner said it made him feel strange. i found out recentely, in the begging i thought they had been split up for 2 years before we met, and it turns out it was 4-5 years!
at least he has recentley agreed to not live there in her area, despite dragging his heels for the past 4 years. but he went back on his promise and just uses working there as an excuse. if he didnt really want to break the contact why say he could , why not be honest n say he wudent be willing to hes straight forward about evrything else and blunt.he dont say things just to please pepole or me (no matter how much i whish he would sometimes). i think that also hurts because he went back on a promise to me, for her.
also his sister was having a party a few months back and invited me and the ex without telling anyone, even my partner, and was going to let me see the ex there at the party, just to see my reaction. fortunatly something come up and i didnt go.
i dont know why it bothers me so much, but i find it really offensive and hurtfull that he still talks to her now we been together nearly 5 years and are engaged. my partner thinks i should be more understanding and any arguments over her have been caused by me, not by him.
i go from feeling i am being unreasonable, as i have never been in another relationship, and dont know any different, to feeling its poor principle (as im very much for principles) to speak to someone that was never (in his admittients) a good freind and keep contact with someone who cant seem to be happy for us.
i know this proberly sounds very trivial but need some perspective on this to get a grip on how im feeling. so veryyyy sorry for the long post and thankyou in adavance for any comments, they are very much appricated.
xxx : ) xxx
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Anonymous on 17 June 2010 at 2:43am said...
p.s also apologies for the poor spelling, am very tired but its all going round in my head and it could not wait tilll morning.
Anonymous on 17 June 2010 at 3:41pm said...
I'm in a similar situation and it has led to us now being on the verge of splitting up. My partner and his ex own a house together and due to money problems last year he had to move back there, we decided to stay together through this and 7 months on we have enough money to be in our own flat in a different city. However I've not been able to let this go and the relationship which we did had has been soured so much he now thinks it best for us to break up which is breaking my heart and why I'm now looking round here to try and find a way to salvage our relationship. We used to be happy and best friends - I love him more than anything and would do anything to stay with him, unfortunately me not being able to get past the issues with his ex have now made that impossible - I wish I could go back and change this so that we can stay together.
Anonymous on 28 June 2010 at 11:12pm said...
hi anonymous, from the original poster thank you for commenting. and sorry for taking so long to get back as there have been further problems : (. i hope in this time its taken to reply things have not gotten worse for your side of things.
things have not worsened on the ex front that has been stable for a bit, but it comes up every so often. instead i have now to wonder if he is lying about a particular issue and telling/told over lies.
also we are going through differences at the moment and it feels like we may be breaking up : (. i dont feel i fit into his family as they joke about about there sex life and i can joke about but im really not comfortable doing that. thats how i was brought up , not prude just not to joke about personal stuff with more than one person. anything else i am always willing to joke and laugh. i was a virgin before my partner and feel it was special and (it may sound silly) kind sacred and lucky i lost it with him, so i feel its one sacred subject. he thinks i cant take a joke and i am upset beacuse of that one instance. but its not the 1st time he has done this. i feel like beacuse he is living at his dads he cant joke without also using a our personal life. i no he aint like that all the time im just really upset.
mainly because he said he did not talk about personal things and cant stand talking about that to pepole. its just made me feel like he has blatenly lied to me.
i just feel so sad. he says he feels he cant joke around or laugh cos hes with me, and feels like i dont want him to have a family or friends. everytime we have problems or a rough patch he comes back to this one and also the ex comes up that i dont like him talking to her.
this has been the theme since the 1st year we were together just after our first year anniversary when we had our first break (his idea). it was i dont want him to have friends. then it progressed to family aswell later and then the ex. now its the theme in every argument where i have said im unhappy about something.
im sick of feeling like im doing something wrong all the time when i know deep down im not and like im the one always falling short in the relationship. and im the stick in the mud and boring just cos im not like him and his family. and cos theres always something the matter.
when all it is is he dont wanna no he just wants to be able to go do his own thing do what he likes say what he likes and as long as he is enjoying himself WHO GIVES A S*** .arrrgggh. and he just come out with da family thing to throw me off and try n get off da subject. which makes me even more angry cos it makes me feel insulted does he think im that dumb.!!!
and he says how many more times can he say sorry hes always saying sorry to me and everything he does is wrong and he's got to say sorry he cant keep saying it.
i feel like telling him its over and cutting off all contact then he will have something to feel sorry about.