My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, we love each other very much but we are having major problems when it comes to the children. I have 2 boys, aged 5 & 10 and he has a son aged 8. The mother of his son screwed him over BIG TIME! and as a result of this he is on the sick from work and he has been for a year as he had a nervous breakdown. Basically he feels guilty for living with my children (as he really misses his son more than anything because they were always together) and he feels he needs to keep them at arms length so not to be disloyal to his boy. My youngest child has a mild form of ADHD and my partner thinks that the way to deal with him is to be really hard, when I think a different approach is needed. That's one of the many many reasons we argue on daily basis. He is very strict (but fair), but sometimes I do think he goes on and on unnecessary. When it comes to his son then it's a different story and I've said to him that whilst I agree with him that the children need to have rules and boundaries, if my children are to abide by them then I think it's only fair that when we have his son he should too, otherwise it sends out mixed signals to my boys.
I do really feel for my partner as he misses living with his son so much, but like I try to say to him everything that has happened to him is not my fault ot my children's but he just cant seem to shake the way he is feeling. We're at the point now where every thing to do with the children turns into an arguement and it's ruining us, and before he had his breakdown we were really good together, and I just wish things would change. We have discussed this matter so many times but it always reverts back to the same thing - he misses living with his son and feels like he's betraying him by living with my children, I really dont see how to go forward from this, I love him so much and hope that we can get over this.
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Molly on 22 January 2009 at 1:50pm said...
Hi Anna,
I admire how you are managing things and with so much understanding. It sounds like your partner’s confusion perhaps and guilt around his son, are now affecting your relationship together, and each of the children in different ways. There are a number of articles and resources you might find helpful on this site, such as "step families", the articles on the right of this page, and you could also see whether Having a child with additional needs provides you with more information and support. You have such understanding of your partners feelings and insight into your difficulties, but I guess its very difficult to try and look together at everything that is contributing to these difficulties when your partner is feeling so bad. As has been suggested in many places on this site, perhaps you could consider seeing a relationship counsellor (Marriage Care or Relate), who could help you both talk about how you are feeling and help you unravel what has contributed to these feelings, so that you can have the loving relationship you both want and deserve. I do hope this is of some help to you
Anonymous on 17 February 2009 at 10:37am said...
Hi Anna, I really sympathise. I have been seeing a great guy for nearly a year. My son is 5 and his is 20 so his son is totally independent now. I take a much sofetr approach with my son and he is so tough (but also fair, just like your partner) however I feel I am caught in the middle and losing my confidence with the situation. I felt so sure of how I was raising Charlie but I now feel demoralised and worried Charlie is getting confused by Gavin who wants him to be so well behaved all the time. He wasn't even allowed to hum while he was colouring on Sunday because Gavin was watching the rugby! I love Gavin so much and we are really two peas in a pod too - but it's all so stressful sometimes. If you have any ideas or suggestions....and I will think if I can come up of some positive approaches to make things work better for you. Best wishes, Kate
yellowbird on 17 February 2009 at 11:17am said...
hi there , I totally feel for you as I have a very simular situ , Im divorced have 2 girls and a new baby with my new partner , My bf is very strict and Im a bit softer and we do argue about it but at the end of the day Im glad he has brought alittle disiplin in to our family as they were taking the piss....
but its not far your kids have to pay for the fact that they are there and his son isnt ! he maybe venting his fustration on them because there not his son and thats totally unfair ...
boundaries need to be set and rules for all the kids set down and if his boy dosent do it he is punished and the same for your kids .
that way all the kids know what to expect and there all treated the same .
if he is a resonable man then he will see thats fair , I found that I would stick up for the kids even when they where being horrid just because they are my babies and Im over protecting and thats wrong it totally demeaned my boyfriend and made our relationship harder soo I started to step back and let him take the lead a bit and now the kids are both doing better and behaving better and we are getting on alot better .
at the end of the day the way you can put it to your man is that when his son comes to stay you can all be a big family and make it fun and fair , its hard and when at the end of the day you have to look possitive and to the future .
hope this helps xx
Anonymous on 07 March 2009 at 2:40pm said...
I really do sympathise as I am struggling with similar issues. I've been living with my partner for 14 months and when he first moved in he said he wanted to be a 'friend' to the children. However, as time's gone by, I feel that he is being quite hard on my son, moreso than my daughter (he has a daughter, 5) My son is a very sensitive, loving boy, rather than a roughty toughty one (my partner is ex Army). We are having varying degrees of issues with both of the children (my son seeks comfort when he needs it by rubbing clothing labels on his top lip - not something I see as a problem, and my daughter is very very clingy and this is causing major problems with her not wanting my partner to do things for her, she only wants me). I have sought advice on the problems with my daughter, and I have relayed this to my partner, however, whilst saying he will support, will do the opposite of what I ask. I've asked him to not get on my son's case about the labels and things, and whilst I do understand that he doesn't want my son to be bullied, I stated how I wanted to deal with it without making it a huge issue (ie. NOT to tell my son not to do it) and he immediately went against me. He is generally great with the children, but it's like he needs to stamp his authority, and I feel that he doesn't have the right to overrule me because I'm sure I wouldn't with his daughter (I haven't met her yet but she's coming to stay in April for 10days). I want to get him on side because I do not want it to cause issues, but he finds it difficult to not see things as a criticism.
I would appreciate any advice too. Best wishes xx