Always arguing and now we're spiteful towards each other
Hi
New to this so just going to blurt it out. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years. It started off well and then just deterioated after a few months. I've suffered from depression and we went through some nasty arguements before I got help. Anyway I got help and now I'm much better except things between us are not better.
We argue all the time. About anything from who is doing the housework to lack of intimacy to me being unhappy sometimes to His work schedule. I'm more emotional than him and find myself being more vocal about things that we need to work on in our relationship I.e the lack of intimacy, work life balance. He however shuts down and has openly admitted that when I start talking he doesn't listen. This frustrates me and I become upset. He then accuses me of not being normal. Then we have blazing rows.
Im not sure what to do anymore. I'm so unhappy with our relationship. I love him and want to work at it but feel he doesn't want to and just blames my emotions and past depression for me making issues out of things in our relationship. He believes nothing is wrong. He thinks it's ok to work when it suits him which leaves me waiting around for him in the evenings or weekends, he thinks it's ok that we don't kiss, cuddle or make live and he thinks that any issue that we may have will just blow over. But I don't believe that as I have felt like this for a year.
Please help with any comments or suggestions. I think that it may be the end but I want to change that
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Anonymous on 08 June 2010 at 8:22am said...
Dear Darkhorsedrea,
I hate it when my partner and I get stuck in the endless round of arguments - they seem to go in a cirlce and we both end up feeling hurt and saying things we only meant at that moment - just to strike back. There're are several articles on the site which might help. How to argue better, getting on better with my partner, how to get closer again... try the Check it Out section and follow the links through - you might find some really helpful ideas to get you started in a better direction. I hope it works. There's also relationship counselling which can be really helpful too - follow the 'external links' at the bottom right hand corner of the screen.
beansontoast on 21 June 2010 at 12:32pm said...
sorry to hear you're so unhappy right now. I have found myself feeling exactly the same as you, I've been depressed and low and my self esteem probably resulted in a lot of arguments with my partner. The problem as I see it was he seemed to have quite a few double standards (keeping in touch with exes but not happy for me to do so, etc.) and that made me quite insecure. I kept thinking maybe it's him who's up to something, cos I knew that I wasn't!
We go round in circles too - I find it really hard to speak to him without a row - when he doesn't like what I'm saying he starts shouting me down, bringing up every single argument we've ever had almost - to the point where I lose it and fight back. It is horrible, I can't understand why we have to go over old ground but he says this is because he's giving me examples of why he doesn't want to have sex, or why he's unhappy. I feel like we're never going to move on as he can't forgive me for anything that ever happened in the past - i.e. past arguments we've had.
The main thing is though right now I want to keep trying - I often feel that life is too short and the worst thing someone could do to me is waste my time, cos trust me it's happened before. And I think that's possibly where the answer lies. You have to trust that someone wouldn't do that - string you along, etc. and that they're with you because they want to be. But that is often difficult to do because your self-esteem can be shot and you don't value yourself as you should. (I mean people in general, not specifically you). What I'm beginning to realise is that the damage done in previous relationships has in fact been more scarring than I wanted to admit, I told myself I was strong, confident and over it. In fact, they've often left me very hurt and deeply scared of being hurt again or taken for a fool again.
Guess what I'm trying to say is we need to let ourselves heal and not blame ourselves for every mistake we make and allow ourselves to be defeated because of someone in the past. I think that my bf has his own self esteem issues at time so I walk away now instead of rising to it - although it's not always possible and I get a barrage of calls/texts where he just verbally abuses me then switches to being nice but deep down I just tell myself that if he's wasting my time it's my own fault and I won't take too much of it anymore, I don't need him in my life if he can't listen to me, if he's not prepared to work at it then I guess we will eventually split up - but don't know how long I should wait - to be honest, I love him very much but I can't see either of us changing, although I have tried - I'm the one on prozac, I'm the one seeking help through sites like this....just don't let it build up into a resentment.
I'm sorry - I've probably banged on more about my problems than I needed to - just really wanted you to know you're not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Men are less emotionally caring in a lot of respects and they can be selfish I think that we need to think of ourselves too and ultimately if someone makes you very unhappy you owe it yourself to free yourself from that. Being on your own can be scary but it's good for the soul and no competition if you're constantly made to doubt yourself and be punished for previous arguments.
beansontoast on 21 June 2010 at 12:35pm said...
by the way, I don't mean to slate men saying they're all less emotionally caring than women - just a lot of them are and they often don't know how to convey their feelings, men aren't all bad and I really don't want this to come across anti-men or anything, it's just that they are often slightly less able to open up than women...
take care and good luck