I've been married for 18 years and love my wife dearly but 9 years ago I had a brief affair which i've always regretted,and have been racked with guilt for all this time
At the start of the year my wife became very distant and showed all the signs of having an affair I sensed these vibes as they were the same ones I was doing 9 years ago.
I told her that I loved her and asked her if there was anything wrong to which she told me that she was a bit depressed and bored which woried me
after 2 weeks of this behaviour I had to ask her if she loved me still she said yes but was still distant.
At the weekend we talked until the early hours of the morning where she questioned me about my affair
she said she had suspected that I had one but was never sure and I finally confessed
I'm not expecting instant forgiveness but I now fear that it has cost me the woman I love dearly
she says she hates me which I can fully understand but my fear is that she will never ever let me into her life again
I'm trying to keep a good front because of the kids but I will only be able to do this for a limited time as It's destoying me.
I can only imagine what she must feel like and I hate myself for doing this to her
I'm so dependant on her that it must be like having an extra child in the house I've taken her for granted for far to long now
I regret everthing i've done in the past but now it looks like i've destroyed any future I had with her
please can anyone out there help or suggest anything as i'm at my wits end and dont have anywhere or one to turn to
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Anonymous on 19 January 2009 at 12:10pm said...
hi there, it sounds like your having a tough time, feeling guilty about somethin is one of the worst feelings anyone can have, your wife has obviously taking this really bad but shes still with you so that must say somthing, all you can do is try harder, if you both have spoke about it already theres no need to bring it up again as it will only remind her of it. im a female myself so my advice to you is do all you can to show her how much you love her. maybe even arrange a weekend away and spend some quality time together. you need to prove to her that its her you love, deep down she must want you to do this or she wouldnt be with you. keep doing little thoughtfull things for her to make her feel wanted, and also you need to put the affair behind you to as its not healthy dwelling on it. so try your hardest to forget about it and work on doing everything you can to make your wife happy, it will take a bit of time but if she see's your trying and making an effort she should start to feel better, but you must try and get over the guilt as you need to be happy in yourself and love yourself before anyone can love you back cause if your wife see's you down about it she will know your affair is on your mind and that will remind her of it to. your only focus right now is to make your wife happy even if she rejects your attempts you just keep trying she should eventually come round, its a womens way of seeing how far you will go and also making you suffer but it should get better between you if you try hard enough, leave little notes on the fridge or something saying you love her and think of other little things to do. hope you work things out.
Anonymous on 19 January 2009 at 1:02pm said...
Thank you for your advice I just dont have anyone to speak to on this matter your kind words are much appreciated without her i'm nothing
nic23 on 19 January 2009 at 5:03pm said...
i think the advice above is very good, as a woman, u need to feel special and thats why affairs devastate so much. Do as the above says, show her how much she means to you and maybe shell start to feel special again, you sound like you love her alot and i hope you're both happy very soon.
Anonymous on 01 April 2009 at 11:21am said...
3 weeks ago on the weekend of our sons birthday i found out my husband was/is having an affair with a very young pretty girl, she is also a porno star and prostitute. I am falling apart, as it was the last thing i would ever have expected from my husband, and the pain i fell is so intense, i feel so confused, so used so humiliated and ashamed that my husband didn't even atempt to talk to me that thiings weren't right, he just went off for a dirty weekend when I thought it was for a trade fair (which i helped him pack for). I cannot talk to anyone as when i confronted him, and we talked for ages and are working things out, he does not want me to talk to anyone else about it and would not approve of me going to counciling. when will the pain end?
DaveAngel on 01 April 2009 at 1:51pm said...
(You in the post above me need to rewrite your story as an article. You will get some help there.)
Its good that you realise you have been a slack ass and need to get your act together- get busy with that.
Your approach is honourable and even if she does dump you, at least you are talking and can work with what you have and not carry the shame around silently.
Just work your ass off and tell her you love her and go the extra mile with the one on one quality time.
It sounds like you are pretty emotionally mature, so why dont you take the time here to help ppl understand their issues so you can develop your knowledge and dialoguing skills and get a better understanding on what might be going on in a womans heart and head...
Cheers mate,
daveangel.
Anonymous on 04 June 2009 at 4:26am said...
I was cheated on 6 years ago, and while my husband and I have rebuilt our relationship, I still cry about it sometimes. It's not something you make peace with, but you can learn to live with it. It's like a scar. There will always be reminders and memories of what made that scar, but you learn to live with it, and still have a productive and happy life. From my end, the best way I can describe a spouse cheating on you is like a death in the family. The death of someone you love hurts badly at first, and while, over time, the pain decreases, there is always this loss...something you miss. Sounds like she's recently found out about it, and while it happened a long time ago, she's reacting (and rightfully so) as if it happened recently. When I found out my husband cheated on me, I didn't want him to grovel and neither did I want him to lavish love on me....I just wanted him to stop it. Sounds like you did stop...and if she chooses to stay with you then the best thing you can do is continue to be faithful. Let her scream, kick, talk, ignore, be angry...all of those ugly things. Take the punches because you've hurt her. Don't try to defend what you did. Just agree and let her know you love her and want to be with her.
But, while it sounds cliche, time is the greatest healer. And if over that period of time, you've showed yourself worthy of her continued trust and love, then that's a great thing for you and your children. Don't expect her to have an ephiphany moment and then all things will be well between you two. You can't say or do the right things all at once.