Separated 6 months - still confused
I split up with my partner about six months ago. It came as a bit of a shock. We were arguing at the time and she decided to move out taking our young child into rented accomodation on state benefit. She has not claimed child maintenance but I have given it anyway.
The reasons - in laws, work, money, undermining her parenting and a loss of independance. After the birth of our child she seemed to become depressed and has since admitted this. I have helped look after our child from day one. We both work from home and even though it is often hectic, it has afforded us time to raise our child together. We regularly enjoyed trips out, gardening together, went to the gym and entertained. We hired child minders, ironing help etc as she could not seem to get motivated or get on top of any jobs. The business suffered and money became an issue as we were spending a lot on extra help. At the time, I felt I was walking on eggshells just to keep her happy and keep everything going. Our sex life suffered and we only made love at my suggestion or she felt she had too. It was never reciprocated. We still enjoyed cuddles at night and I believed everything was still okay - just prehaps tired and adjusting to new life as parents - it's hard to get in the mood after running round after a toddler all day afterall. She started going to local play groups and made a lot of new friends having not had any for many years. A lot of the new friends had nothing in common with our lifestyle and seemed to be from completely different backgrounds. It seemed most had gone through affairs, marriage breakdowns etc. I found it difficult to fit in at social events but made an effort nonetheless.
Since the split, she has made no attempt at getting back together. She has said she loves me and came back from a two week holiday and cried saying she missed me so much. A week later she was hostile again. I've tried to give her space as requested but have had to keep in touch to see my child. Everything I have done during that time seems to have made matters worse. If I have done something wrong I have not seen him. I have not pestered her, called endlessly or gone round much to see them. I have waited more often than not to be contacted first but I have suggested we do some things together which she has agreed too. On occassion I have gone round I have been made unwelcome. I took some shopping round once and was threatened with an injunction the next day. The reason was I had bought all organic and nice things for her while she was having to shop on a budget. I was quite upset by this because I didn't even go in the house, just dropped off some shopping, asked if we could go to see a nursery and thought I had done something to help. She said just to give her money and stop controlling. I've been giving her money too.
I've also been upset that our child started calling his mother a bad mother. I have witnessed a number of events that has caused alarm to me. Most of the time I would say she is a good mother but there have been times where I have seen her hurt him emotionally and physically - not excessive abuse but things I have been uncomfortable about. He has never said the same about me and always wants to come to me. He often tells her to go away. She has told me that he says the same about me but I have never witnessed this. Her family suggested I was the cause of this but she agrees I do everything to convey warm and good feelings when I am with him about her. One thing that sticks out was when she went on a blind date and took our child and he called him dad. I found out about this and she played it down. I said if she goes on dates it is non of my business and I wish her every happiness but said I do not think it is appropriate to take our child on such occassions.
Unfortunately, my partner comes from a family of abusive parents and her mother has been very dominating in her life and took her away from her dad after she had an affair. A very upsetting event for her. She has hit her and done a lot of horrible emotional things that caused her to leave her mum at a very young age.
I don't know what the anwser is. I would like to try again if only for our childs sake and think everything has been blown out of proportion. I am concerned she is depressed and even though she has had some help I think it has been misdirected. She has presented me in a very negative light with all friends and family and they have been very against me.
It has got to a stage where I feel I do not really love or trust her anymore. I value family more than anything and while she does not feel it will have much affect on our child, I believe a family unit is the best. I am confused because we have had lovely times together and did not really see this coming.
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Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 25 March 2010 at 10:18am said...
Dear Anonymous
I am so sorry that you are feeling so distressed about the break-up of your relationship - I think you acknowledge you are getting to a stage where you know it is time to move on as the feelings you once had for each other may not be there any more. I wonder if you have anyone you can talk all this through with to get some emotional support - do you have a family member or friend you can talk to, otherwise you could talk to your GP and maybe get a referral to see a Counsellor? What I am most concerned about is that you feel your son may be suffering emotional and physical abuse by your ex-partner, this is definitely not acceptable and I would urge you to do something about it - again, could you talk to your GP about your options in this situation, these may include getting a Social Worker involved to ensure your child is safe. I hope you are able to take care of both yourself and your son, good luck with the way forward.