stress
I moved in with patner of two years, 8 months ago after living on my own with 3 children for a number of years. My eldest child, my daughter who is 18 this year decided she wanted to live with her dad as she didnt want to move to a new area, after a month of living with my patner my second child,my son who is 13 this year said he didnt want to change schools and also wanted to live with his dad, so now im living with my partner and my youngest child also a daughter who is almost 9, and we have my partners 2 children to stay at weekends. My eldest daughter has never been here to stay and doesnt want to, so i only see her when i visit my mom once a month and my son only comes every other weekend, this is very difficult and i miss my kids very much but feel im in a no win situation. When my son comes over there is always friction and my partner and i end up arguing because my son always seems to think he can do as he pleases and doesnt listen when he is told to do or not to do something. My son has always been this way to a certain degree but since our home life sitation has changed this has become a worse problem, i do know his dad is soft on him and he gets away with a lot when hes at home with his dad. It has got to the point now though that my partner keeps telling me that we would be better off living apart and this is having a negative effect on me, i have become hard faced towards my partner and have today been to the local housing authority to tell them i need a place to live. I love my partner a great deal and feel we had a brilliant relationship before all these problems but i also love my son and want him to feel happy coming to stay with me at weekends without thinking he cant move without being told off. I dont know what to do for the best. I have told my partner that i went to the housing which caused a lot of upset, he doesnt want me to leave he said the problem is only the way my son is and he doesnt know what else to do, we had a good talk aired a lot of feelings and now he has gone out to let me have a think about what i want to do. I dont know what to do will it ever get better or do i just throw in the towel and leave???
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Eugene on 20 March 2010 at 3:24am said...
Change is often difficult and you and your family have been through some very significant changes. For the last 18 years you have been coping with massive strains - the births and rearing of three children, the break up of your relationship with their father while they were still quite young, coping on your own, and now the serious step of a new relationship with someone who also has children (and an ex?).
That's not including changing homes, jobs and schools! All very very significant.
Change can be managed but the better you feel about yourself the better you will be able to help yourself and all the people in your life to rise to their various challenges too, so that even if it does not seem to get much better - at least it will not get worse!
You have done very well so far! Have you ever stopped to look at all that you have achieved? Think about it - your eldest daughter is a young woman who feels secure enough to make a decision about her own life. She is still only 18 and has a lot of growing to do and has lots of time to make different decisions. We all make mistakes at that age (and still do even in midlife!) what she needs right now is to know that she is safe with you and that you are open to hear what she has to say as well as being a kind of cheerleader rooting for her as she begins the difficult task of learning how to be an adult. Do not expect too much or perfection. Love her, show her you love her and trust her. Make time to see her away from your home, and make sure you always keep the 'door open' to her.
You son is just entering that really scary time of huge upheaval in his own body and mind with hormones and self consciousness raging. Teenagers have to learn to distinguish themselves from their parents and carers in order to forge a solid identity that is able to relate lovingly and confidently with other people. So the problem is not as your partner says only with 'the way your son is'. Your son is still a child! Relationships do not happen in a vacuum. Your partner is part of the friction. As an adult he is the one who is best placed to take responsibility for his own part in the friction your son suffers when he visits you.
If you want your son to feel happy when he visits, your home has to be a place of welcome and acceptance for him, somewhere he feels safe and that he can do the dfficult business of learning who he wants to be. You cannot make the home welcoming by yourself, you partner has to be part of that. Your partner is not just in a relationship with you. He has to accept all that comes with you. If he cannot, then you have to decide whether you really want to sacrifice your relationship with your children for him.
So, I'd say
Be gentle with yourself,
You love your children and your partner
Your children need you to be a reliable loving mum
You need to make sure that you are getting the support you need to be that (from your partner and others)
So, you have to have friends, fun, relief from this constant strain
Talk to someone whose judgment you trust and who is not a gossip
Involve grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, godparents, people you trust
Plan meals together in different combinations - with your partner and his and your younger ones every day, and at a neutral 'eatery' with your older ones, just by yourself, with your youngest, with your partner. Gradually they will get used to each other. (It can take a lifetime to make a family!)
Theme meals, make them an occasion - eg pancakes at the weekend, find a reason to have one special 'celebration' meal each week (hey let's have your favourite pudding today as it's a sunny day!). Theme them with a topic for discussion kids love an occasion and it sounds like they're the right age to really enjoy decorating the table and making their own contribution. It is in doing things together that you will all learn a sense of common purpose.
I am not suggesting that this will magically make a happy family. Families take time, they cannot just be made, they do not just happen (although I admit some people look like it's easy peasy) it takes a long time to build trust and sometimes affection takes even longer! Especially between people who did not choose each other (as your children and your partner did not choose each other)
You don't say much about your youngest daughter and your partner's children so maybe that situation is not unduly problematic, which says a lot about what you are already doing well! However, you must give these children attention too, or small frictions and misunderstandings and inequalities will brew unnoticed.
Every relationship has frictions and misunderstanding. We are human, we have individual strenghts and weaknesses and we are not mind readers!
So, learning how to share our experiences positively with each other is essential.
A family meeting might help. Be clear about what is on the agenda (only one item each week!) and allow each person to contribute, until they feel heard. Even the little ones will have thoughts about what they see and hear and about how they experience these changes. Learning to share some of their thoughts and feelings in the confidence of being heard (that does not mean you have to do what they want but you MUST take seriously their experience of it all and not just brush it off because their unhappiness or discomfort is inconvenient for you)
Everyday, take time to spot what IS working in your life and family. There is good stuff, you sound stressed but you have also expressed a lot of love. Focusing on what's good is likely to make you feel a lot better and when you feel better you will be better able to assess the situation and make better decisions. Where you see a chance to celebrate, celebrate. It does not have to be with everyone, or anyone! Celebrate by yourself. With a child with your partner.
Decide if you want have your partner in your life.
Decide what level of commitment you are really ready for - how committed is he? Talk about that, if you can't talk about it go to relate of marriage care who can help you. Good loving relationships are life enhancing but there has to be commitment and give and take on both sides.
Remember you are already a loving mum. Whether this new relationship and family works is not just up to you alone!
I wish you well! (don't forget to ask for help too, family life was never meant to be isolated)
mads153 on 20 March 2010 at 1:30pm said...
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my problem, you have given me a lot to think about, i will reread your reply a few times to digest it and decide on the best cause of action. Thank you again
demazenod on 21 March 2010 at 2:30pm said...
You are welcome! (keep on believing in yourself, you are already doing good!)