hello, i need some advice. i honestly have no idea what to do, at all, and im so depressed i keep crying and breaking down and i honestly can't cope anymore.
i will start from the beginning. my previous relationships had always hurt me, therefore i expected my future ones to hurt me too.
i got involved with this girl, (im gay) via myspace, and we started talking. she was really sweet, but i didnt want to meet up with her cause i thought she would think i was really fat and just not want me anymore.
this carried on for several months, 6 in fact, where she told me she loved me and wanted me and wouldn't care, buti was so scared, i kept pushing her away.
we finally met, and started meeting half way every week and staying at each others houses.
she treated me like a princess, she bought me so much, and made me so happy.
but i treated her like shit sometimes, i dont even know why.
i started arguments and hurt her cause i wanted to see she cared, i was so scared of losing her cause of my past and i just wanted to be reassured that her losing me would kill her.
then, after nearly 11 months of a relationship, i found messages on her facebook from a few months that seemed flirtacious.
i made such a big deal out of it, and said so much hurtful things to my partner, and broke up with her.
i didnt really have any intention of breaking up with her though, cause i loved her and didnt want to lose her, i was just hurt.
a few days later, i thought we were going to sort it and make it okay. she promised we would eventually sort it out but we needed time, however, she became really blunt.
and i thought that she just didnt care anymore, and asked her what was wrong, and told her to stop hurting me.
and then she said she was going, because she didnt want to hurt me anymore.
needless to say, i was in hospital that night cause i cut myself that bad, i couldnt handle it.
the next few weeks i begged and begged, and just became a wreck. she told me she couldnt be with me, she was sick of fighting for me.
i knew i would never treat her like that again, at all, cause i have realised now how much i love her.
about two weeks ago, she told me she missed me and i thought that cause she has lots of issues at the moment, i thought i could be there for her, as a friend, and hopefully she would realise she needed me and want me back.
however, she told me a few days afterwards she was seeing someone else.
and i dont know what to do, because i honestly believed she loved me.
i find it so hard to move on, everyday for two months now, i cant function, all i do is cry and think about ending it. ive tried killing myself, and nothing makes me better.
what should i do? ive already had help from the hospital. it just doesn't work. x
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Anonymous on 06 March 2010 at 5:32pm said...
Hi Amy, You must be feeling quite desperate if you want to harm yourself. You said that you have been hurt a lot in the past, but what you described in your last relationship she was prepared to care and love you. Which means there must be a lot of good in you. Your past experiences are preventing you from loving and caring for anyone else. Please stop blaming yourself and start living and enjoying your life. No matter how bad the experiences were in the past, it might be time to leave them behind and start to think positively about the future. self harming is never the answer. Please talk to a professional, I know you said it did not work, but they have diffent ways to help. Ask for a different treatment if the last one did not help. Also when you are feeling very low talk to someone like the Samaritans instead of harming yourself. The Samaritans can be contacted on 0845 790 9090. I hope you get the emotional and practical support you desperately need. Take care.