One piece of advice I was given when I was about to propose to my wife ( 10 years ago) was that one should marry for love, respect and having a best friend. Passion dies off and should never be counted on to be the "eternal" glue that holds you two together.
I honestly, 100%, felt that the passion would one day come around in our marriage. It never has. And for the last years, it has gotten worse.
I feel like total garbage on the one side, but then I feel alive about finally fessing up to what I want out of life.
My wife is an ideal mother to our child. Strong willed, very determined, stable, honest. There really is nothing to find at fault with her. But I have now gotten to the point where I do not look forward to being with her in the bedroom. For years I have been able to enjoy myself, but it finally caught up and now I can't even get an erection around her. She simply does not do it for me, has a totally different attitude about making love, is afraid to try anything new and really just wants a relationship where we hug, kiss and keep on a happy face to keep our family together.
Has anyone out there made the same mistake that I have? Ever find a way to become sexually attracted to your spouse? Ever feel guilty for putting too much emphasis on this one factor when everything else is going along well?
Having sex 8-10 a year and its been that way from day one. She seems fine with this, but the lack of phycial connection I have with her as my wife has also led me to emotionally distance myself from her. She feels that my sexual energy isn't important. Has never worn sexy underwear, insists that the lights be turned out. Lets me do my thing but never tries something new on her own.
We do not communicate at all about this. Jobs, money, child, life....it has all taken over for the past years. We both put it there so that we didn't have to fess up on how distanced we really are from each other.
Now I find myself looking at other women. I'm doomed. I've had offers in the past, have said no and to this day say no. Its just more drama than I want in my life right now. The grass isn't greener on the other side, but I have come to realize that I may be the kind of guy who just isn't wired for marraige. I love my time alone. I love doing things alone. My hobbies I do alone. Its always been like this.
Sorry for the ramble, just at a breaking point and need some fresh advice.
thank you.
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Anonymous on 25 February 2010 at 4:22pm said...
From a womans point of view (and this is totally my own) . My libido(sex drive) died when I had my kids, almost like I had completed my role on the planet. I do know that women need words to feel loved and a man needs sex to feel the same.
betsy on 28 February 2010 at 3:43pm said...
Hi sometimes its too much stress that causes sex drive to disappear and also our expectations of what life should be like doesn't happen. You both have grown apart and attitudes have changed to what you both want. You might have been spending too much time by yourself and that might have created the distance you have now. Also female hormones change and some woman go off sex because of this. I hope it gets better for you.