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16 years married and on the verge of break up - is it me?
46 year old man, 2 fab kids, been married for 16 years, and we're on the brink of separation - which is hideous. My problem is, I have a 'thing' for stockings/women dressed as women, so when my wife continually dresses like a man(trousers, flats, t-shirt type stuff - not 'skanky' stuff I hasten to add), I feel like she doesn't really give a stuff about me, so I in turn think 'sod her' - if she can't bothered neither can I. I work my proverbials off to make sure everybody has what they want, so in my mind, when she 'can't even be bothered to take 5 minutes to slip into something less comfortable of an evening', it feels like she doesn't really care about my 'needs' and things have just spiraled down from there, to the point where we're about to separate. My wife has always known about my 'preferences' so we saw Relate years ago when it all started to come to the fore, we talked about the situation, and the counsellor at the time said it was a self-esteem issue with my wife ie I only wanted to have sex if she was dressed up, so if she wasn't I wasn't interested which made her feel like I didn't love her for her - which I do. I'll take any advise/criticism/anything at the moment to try and pull us back from the brink, hence posting here....
Comments
So, after a day at work and with two kids to consider; when she is tired and just wants to curl up with someone who loves her - you want your wife to get dressed for business- Its okay sometimes, but all the time? And when she doesn't do what you want you think 'sod her' ? So extreme! You are a control freak, a fact echoed by your preferences. By the way did you ever bother to find out what she might like?
Yep! I would be totally fed up with you too.
Fair comment and thank you for your candor. Yes I accept I am a control freak, to a degree. I'm not asking for EVERY night(and she works a couple of hours every other day), but maybe a couple of times a week might be nice. The 'sod her' is extreme I agree and yes, we have talked about what she wants. How do you stop being a control freak like this?? If I can get my head around the cuddling thing, irrespective of what she's wearing and not take it as a 'she doesn't give a stuff', I know things will evolve from there... but it's very difficult being so entrenched in my ways.
When you began your relationship was she more inclined to dress up for you then?
Im sorry to say but I do think your being very unfair on your wife. So what she dresses in trousers and t-shirts most women wear that nowadays and its what she feels comfortable in then you should be supportive of that. But on the other side maybe she should be more inclined to dress up for you occasionally. Relationships you have to give and take occasionally!
Can you not get intimate with her dressed as she is (as you say manly) if you cant I can imagine that breaks her heart and she probably thinks you want her to become someone shes not just to be able to have sex.
How does she feel about you getting to the brink of seperation?
Also you sound horrible when you say "I work my proverbials off to make sure everybody has what they want, so in my mind when she cant take 5 minutes to slip into something less comfortable of an evening, it feels like she doesnt care about my needs" Are you for real! That just sounds awful, basically your saying you work your butt off so therefore, your wife should bow to your every need sexually when your home! Grow up! What about your wifes needs to want to feel loved by you, feel sexy no matter what she wears....
If you want this marriage to continue you really need to think hard and chat to your wife and tell her how you feel (frustrated but you dont want the marriage to end) and maybe you should both compromise that occasionally she could dress up for you but you also have to show her that shes sexy no matter what she wears.
Sometimes it's not the issue involved that matters, but what it means to people that makes a difference.
Perhaps your wife's stance is that you should take her as she is if you care about her, while your view may be that if she cares about you then she would make the effort?
If you both care about each other and want to stay together, then maybe you both need to re-think the way in which you interpret the others opinions and actions in relation to what really matters to you?
If you can't work this out between you, why not go back to Relate for a bit more counselling?
It sounds as if you do love her, so tell her that, and say that you do want to work things out, and see if you can agree on how to go about it.
Many thanks for your comment, and you've confirmed what I thought - Just waiting for them to call me back with an appointment.