No sex, He seeks 'Teen' porn on the internet.
We have been together for almost 12 years & my daughter is 13 years old. We have been trying for a baby for almost a year now, the first four months we had sex 2-5 times a week & for the last almost eight months maybe once every three weeks. After 12 years of more downs than ups, seperating a few times, his cheating then coming onto my friends & meeting a married woman online when we seperated but still lived together & were still intimate.. oh the list is endless. I can put my hand on my heart & say we really tried to make a fresh start, there were no jibes about the past, i have been more open, affectionate, eager to have sex than the years previous & after being baffled at his reluctance to have sex then finding a search for (teen) porn on the computer i am absolutely deflated. I have no problem with porn but 'teen' has almost pushed me over the edge with having a teenage daughter, I am 30 & he is 35. I have searched & read endless posts from various sites & mostly the men say 'of course we want to see 'forbidden fruit', 'fresh', 'innocent', 'girls in their prime'. And the women to my surprise are 50% 'it makes me sick', 'barely legal is borderline poedo' and 50% 'If you dont trust your man' 'why not put a tag on him' or 'whats wrong with porn,ofc they want to see young & not used up'. Personally i am sick to my stomache & after going through hell & back, making plans to extend our family, getting engaged last July & now this! Like everything else i've tried to think rationally, not take this so personally & move on but I havn't been able to sleep, i feel sick constantly & cant even look at him. I feel like this is the last straw, it would break my heart to give up now after all we have come through but it seems it will never end, there will always be something.. what next!? To me this is the most outragous.
He really wants children and was not pushed into a commitment he's not ready for. He has a healthy (or had) sex drive. He doesnt drink, smokes & has done for 20 years.He calls & texts me daily to ask how i am & tells me he loves me. He doesn't go out as much as he used to because his friends now all have young families. I am not sexually repressed & have not changed physically from we decided to make a fresh start...
I can't think of anything else that may come up as to why...
As i've said, porn is not an issue for me (adult porn). But Teen.. What am i supposed to do with that?
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Anonymous on 25 January 2010 at 9:00pm said...
Hello, I'm commenting only on your issue with the porn, not your other problems.
Talk to him about it. Tell him your concerns. Tell him how it makes you feel. If you are ok with porn, then tell him that first, so he knows you are not judging and attacking him.
"Teen" is often a marketing tool used by porn websites, and doesn't necessarily refer to children (it seems to be used to differentiate from "mature" (30+)), but you obviously need to make sure that this is where he is coming from.
JJ401 on 26 January 2010 at 10:23am said...
Thank you, I have asked but intially he said it wasn't him on the computer, after telling him to stop treating me like a fool he said 'ok,but it was weeks ago & the teen was prompted by the computer'. Without going through all the lies we finally reached, yea he put 'teen' in the search bar, it was about 2 hours before i saw it & apparantly he doesn't know why. I decided not to push it this week, about 20 lies a week's my limit then we come back to the same problems. I just cannot understand why after years of working through everything & not giving up on us he still persists with the lies etc... Of course i have asked for him to seriously think about what & who he wants, if it's possible that he wants out but doesn't want to be the one who ends it. I would rather know if he wasn't attracted to me or i was unbearable to live with or anything, any answer, i just want honesty, whatever the outcome. I don't think that's too much to ask, we're not kids any more. Can a liar ever stop, is this as good as it gets? Will i have to needle him for every little bit of truth for the next 12 years?
Maybe i should be asking myself why i stay, am i a glutton for punishment, why havn't i been pushed to absolute hatred & disgust. Am I the problem... He says i'm his life, he wants to grow old with me & would do anything for me but 12 years of actions that dont match the words, I cling to them & hope it will come good & be worth it but i'm starting to hate myself for it. I feel like i will rightly deserve the worlds biggest fool award & have nothing at the end of all this with my youth,looks & dignity lost.But one problem at a time :*(
JJ401 on 26 January 2010 at 10:49am said...
P.S. Sorry i'm new to this site or any like it, I appreciate any, all insights & apologise now if i ever sound argumentative, if i challenge any comments with a 'Ok, but what in this case?' kind of reply. I'm the one people come to & i generally give good advise, unfortunatly over the years it helps me to focus on other people & i'm geniunely in need of some help & cannot go to those closest to me. I know it sounds silly but i'm sure you will understand that i don't want them to lose confidence in me or to see me as lost or confused.. Then we're all without someone to talk to :P
Anonymous on 26 January 2010 at 8:36pm said...
Hello, I am the commenter above. I know exactly how you feel about not wanting your friends to lose confidence in you. I feel the same way, but when I need help I ask them and they help me - often feeding my own advice back to me!
Why do you stay? Is the payoff worth it? Lies can be corrosive to a relationship, but do look at the nature of them. It is never a hard=and=fast rule. They are symptomatic, often of a deep hurt, VERY often of self-esteem issues.
What would happen if, every time you suspect him of lying to you, you said "I don't think you're telling me the truth, and that makes me sad" and walked away from him? This kind of non-confrontational approach might give him the room to feel your hurt and disappointment, and the opportunity to tell you the truth, without you having to "needle" it out of him. It can be hard to maintain that quiet strength, but his reaction to your sadness and honesty and withdrawal - rather than your anger and needling - will probably tell you very clearly what he is willing to do for your relationship.
Keep smiling. And talk to a friend, helping our friends gives us an opportunity to show love and reinforce our relationships with each other. If they trust you with their woes, then you should be able to do the same. They may have a really insightful take on your situation from an outsider's point of view.
Love yourself, and take care of yourself.
JJ401 on 28 January 2010 at 11:24am said...
Thank-you again! :0) It's uncanny. When you said, 'What would happen if, every time you suspect him of lying to you, you said "I don't think you're telling me the truth, and that makes me sad" and walked away from him? This kind of non-confrontational approach might give him the room to feel your hurt and disappointment, and the opportunity to tell you the truth, without you having to "needle" it out of him.'
I have actually tried to steer him in this direction with our teenage daughter saying if he's unable to control his anger & talks 'at' her immediately without a conversation then he will always get the obstinence from her, she wont think about her actions because she is then too angry with him for being unreasonable & loses confidence in & respect for him.
It seems i should take my own advice & i'm very glad you pointed it out. As i'm sure you know it's hard to break the habit & with a rush of emotions initially i find it hard to keep my cool but i am aware there is change to be made from me also. I do want a partner, an equal, not another teenager. Sadly i feel like his mother & make bad comments like, 'Do you think it's normal that i have to put you into an equation, as in a what if i did this to you scenario to help you understand how it would hurt or upset me!?' I know i talk down to him which is made worse by his silence & i go on and on. I could probably use a gag sometimes. I shall try to refrain from this horrible person i have become around him when the situation arises.
We are sleeping in seperate beds now & he knows that i am withdrawing from him emotionally, i am worried that i will close off completely & lose any feeling i have left for him. I don't like this though, to me it seems like steps back rather than forward, he asks how i am & tells me he's worried that i wont want him anymore every day. I feel it's dangerous to have a threat between us, although i wouldn't make one, he feels it by my actions. (But i do feel angry that i always have to reassure him!) Also if ever he were to have the ultimate excuse to have a proper affair? If i were to advise a friend i would tell her to be carefull because it is a slippery slope to complete non-communication, also would that be how she was testing how he really felt if she didn't believe the words? She may push it passed any resolve if there is no affection at all for too long?
I lay awake if he's in our bed though :(
I'm sorry to go on & i thank you for your time spent replying to me, it has helped :0) I feel the questions i have put in there are rhetorical & i probably should be seeking the reassurance or confirmation I need from my partner. Although then that would be problem solved :P
JJ401 on 28 January 2010 at 11:28am said...
P.S. The 'excuse to have a proper affair'. I know is no excuse & is the cowards way out of a relationship testing if the grass is greener or having his cake. It still happens though.
fedupwiththis on 28 July 2010 at 9:29am said...
Hi JJ401
I really feel for you. Im sort of in the same boat. I found my partner has been looking at porn. Not an issue in itself. But it was all teen stuff. I made the mistake of googleing one perticular video. This was 3 days ago and I still feel sick. It was all very young girls and the old bloke were using them as pieces of meat. Even the reviews were scathing. The girls were being hit and knocked about and some appeared to be under the influence of some thing. Im shaking writing this. I dont know what to do. I did talk to him about it. (the issue of porn has come up before and i have been cross coz we dont have sex very often once or twice a month.)Initially i said i was pissed off coz it was on the pc. He said he hasnt looked at it it must be from before he changed it from xp to windows 7. So its kinda been left. But now i know what he was looking it im even more upsett.
Im normally quite articulate but im really struggeling to bring it up. I feel like im being taken for an idiot. He says he rarely looks at it and wouldnt do anything to lose me. Yet I feel non of it adds up.
I have tried all the non accusing conversations, telling him how i feel etc about it all in general. But i cannot seem to shift my feelings about the nature of what he looks at.
So i really feel for you. Its the worse feeling ive ever had.