My name is Christina and my boyfriend, Rupert of nearly 8 years told me on new years eve that he doesn't think that things are working and he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore - he says he stil loves me moer than anything but more like a best friend, although claims that he still fancies me but he feels that we have grown apart and the spark is no longer there.
He says he is soo confused as he does not know what to do, he has felt this way for a while and hoped the feeling would go away and has tried to sort his head out but it has not worked, he doesn't want to say it's over so he asked me for 2 weeks of space so he can get his head together and is saying that if he still feels the same way then he will know for sure that it is over and if he misses me then will know that there is something still there and we can take things from there.
We have lived together for a year (only weeks ago he had told me how great things have been since we moved in together!!) so my life has totally been turned upside down, he has gone to his parents and said i could stay at home but i cannot face being there alone so am staying at my mums.
I did not see it coming, yes the past month he has been grumpy and i agree that we have drifted appart, but we were not arguing so i never thought that things were that bad, he had hinted he was going to propose this year.
The reason i feel we have drifted appart is because we no longer do anything together as i think we took eachother for granted that we live together so seeing eachother every day at home was enough - we stopped making an effort, going on dates, having fun we just used to sit at home watching tv or he would go out with his friends/go to football/rugby. i see now that we need to make more of an effort, go out together, get the fun back but all he keeps saying is that he doesn't know as what if it doesn't change things what do we do then - i can't understand why he can even think of just walking away without trying, not when we have been so happy in the past?
He is a very caring person and a big softy, kissing and cuddling me, always telling me he loves (he was even telling me that this time last week!!) infact people have always been jealous at how close we are/were which is why i cannot get my head round
a) how he can think of walking away
b) why his life would be better off without me as he has plenty of freedom to see his mates and do what he wants now.
I don't know what to do for the best, i have packed up my half of the flat but now don't know if that was wise - will he be relieved or would it make him think 'oh no what have i done?' - i texted him to explain, saying that if he did deside to try again that i felt we shouldn't go back to living together untill it felt right.
I am trying sooooo hard not to contact him too much as it is space he has asked for but i was thinking of sending him a letter - what do you advise?
Another idea i had was - He is a big football fan and in 8 years i have never been to a match with him so i was thinking of buying 2 away tickets and booking a hotel; i want this to show that i want to share in his interests and for us to get away and have some fun? would this be a good idea? i thought he would appreiacte this more than flowers.
Any help/suggestions would be great
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Anonymous on 05 January 2009 at 2:57pm said...
this sounds pretty horrible for you. do you think something has happend on his part that all of a sudden he's having doubts. I think the letter would be a good idea, then see what happens after that if he makes contact and trys getting back to you then maybe treat him to the football etc. but its no good you buying the tickets and hotel for him to say he doesnt want to go.
Good luck
Anonymous on 05 January 2009 at 9:39pm said...
i agree this is horrible. my thoughts. You sound as though you want to please. Sometimes we blokes want to feel you are certain. i mean that whatever shit we throw you can take it. Like you believe in relationships. Thats what women do roght? if were me giving me space would feel like yu don't care.tricky i know.
I can say this- i am a bloke - sorry but could he have met someone?
Happens.
Hope you get sorted. Love s hard.
be true to you
Anonymous on 06 January 2009 at 4:10pm said...
Hi, 8 years? well congrats on making it that far. are you the only ones out of his friends to move in together of the first to talk about engagment? if you are, then there could be a possibility of his mates saying to him (in a male joking way) that thats it for him, no more nights out with the boys etc and that might have given him cold feet and made him sit up and take note of the situation. it sounds as though he loves you but perhaps just needs SPACE to figure it out on his own. I think moving stuff out is a bit drastic, after all hes only asked for 2 weeks freedom to think, its not like hes said i want a couple of months off and for you to move your stuff out. i fell you doing that might make up his mind for him.
The best thing i can think of, is to just take the essentials from the flat, toilet bag, smellies etc, but to keep the majority of things there. and to go out and have some FUN with your mates. instead of buying tickets for him, spoil yourself and a few girls to a weekend away or a good night out in the local town (where you are not likely to meet) Youve done ur bit of showing him you still love him, that he cant be unsure of, its his feelings he needs to sort out, and the best way for him to do that is space!!
after 2 weeks then post the letter to him. mention that your aware the spark isnt there but that you still love him and fancy him and that your more than happy to rekingle the spark and now that your aware of it say that from now on we can both work to make sure the spark never goes out!
write his mobile number on a piece of paper and delete it from your phone, ( keep the paper safe) then you wont be tempted to ring or text him after hvaing a few drinks!! lol
i dont think hes met anyone else but perhaps sees one of his mates in a new relationship and remembers what it used to be like for you two. keeping the spark and intrest going after 8 years is hard, and you do become complacment, but at the end of the day noone said relationships were esay, unfortunately we do sometimes have to work on them, and it takes TWO to want to do that. if he dosnt ... well the you have to give him the respect of that and try and move on, if he wants to work at it, then he has to realise he cant walk out when the going gets tough again. hope this helps.x.x.x
Anonymous on 22 April 2009 at 10:25pm said...
Does anyone know the outcome of this situation? I'd be interested to know because almost the exact same thing has happened to my boyfriend, who I am now giving space. He claims that he doesn't know what he wants anymore all of a sudden, only that he needs space, wants to be free. I am staying round a mate's house, but it's excruciating because I haven't heard from him in 5 days...I know now how I think we can make the relationship work, but I can't contact him first to tell him. I'm worried that because I said I had to move out for a bit, that he thinks I have given up on him.
Anonymous on 23 April 2009 at 2:24pm said...
My Boyfriend (now husband) asked me to give him space after we'd been living together for 1 year. He changed dramatically over a short space of time. He went away for a week then came back saying he'd sorted his head out and knew what he wanted and that was me. I was so happy. He proposed and we got married. Shortly afterwards I found out that he had met someone, wanted to spend some time with her so made this excuse of 'needing time'. Spent a week with her, decided she wasn't for him after all and came home to me. He told me not to contact him too during that time which I didn't as I didn't want to upset him further. But it was so I didn't disturb them!!
He's cheated on me again since then so my advice would be to let him go. Don't be too keen when he says he wants to come back. Back off a bit and see if he likes it! If he really wants you he'll make the effort.
Anonymous on 15 November 2009 at 12:52pm said...
My ex did this to me after we had been living together & engaged for 2 years. I was also pregnant.
I gave him space
He had the first of 18 that I know about dallaiances with his boss! He was also seeing his ex wife again.
It was very hard to take as he also was very loving and demonstrative, it was a bolt from the blue & I was devestated.
I just wanted him back but I should have listened to what my gut told me at the time as I would have not ended up being as hurt as I was 3 years later. Which was to leave. I wish I had now.
Take this time to focus on what you want and how you feel. If he didn't communicate with you about his feelings this time, imagine how it would be if this occured repeatedly for the rest of your time together, especially over big issues. Can you live with that?
I hope this all works out well for you.
Take care & good luck