I am in a dilemma as to whether I should leave my husband or stay for the sake of keeping the family together.
I have been with my partner for 22 years, married for 17. We have 4 marvellous children aged 20, 18, 12 and 9.
The trouble is that my partner is a vbully, he is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. He is a very opinionated, domineering person who sadly suffered child abuse and some sexual abuse whilst he was in care as a child. He has always been rather "difficult" to live with and sadly, even though we have 4 children, we do not have a sex life. I have begged and pleaded with him for years to seek counselling. We were referred for physcosexual counselling about 15 years ago. It came to light that he had had several one night stands during our relationship which I had suspected. Once he actually admitted it, I was upset for a while but was able to forgive him and move on. But still our sex life did not improve, We probably had sex 4-6 times a year.
A couple of years ago I threatened to leave him because of his abusive behaviour, verbal, mental and emotional. He realised I actually meant it and I refused to reconcile until he promised to attend marriage guidance. We attended counselling for approx 18 months and his behaviour improved for a while.
Sadly, in the last 12 months his attitude has deteriorated again and we have not had sex since March 09. I am weary of his attitude towards me and lack of interest in me as a woman, consequently I started drinking as an "escape" from my feelings of rejection and loneliness.
He has used this against me and suggests that the reason we don't have sexual contact is because I disgust him by excessive drinking. He has insinuatied that he would be much more interested in having a sexual relationship if I wasn't as he calls me "a Pi** head".
Our youngest child was a bit of a shock and I was very upset at the thought of a young baby/child tying me to the house for another number of years. I suggested terminating the pregnancy. My husband begged me not to and promised to have the 'snip' once I had the baby. I agreed and we had a beautiful little boy. However, he then refused to go ahead with the procedure. Consequently 10 months later after an unexpected nocturnal encounter with him I discovered I was once again pregnant. Fortunately I realised the day my period did not occur.
As I was already struggling to bring up 4 children, virtually on my own, as he works long hours, and has never been a "hands on" father. Also already suffering with depression I decided to terminate the pregnancy. Fortunately I terminated at 5 weeks and requested that I be sterilised during the procedure.
I did not have any counselling or support and have had to deal with the feelings of loss, guilt and of course anger towards my husband. I feel he let me down by not keeping his word. It was about this time that I started drinking.
I recently stopped drinking in an effort to improve matters for myself and my children. I go to a support group and I have no desire to drink again. In doing so, I would be allowing him to take control over my life again and use it against me. I have decided to prove that I am back in control and do not react when he is abusive. He keeps trying to invite me to join him in having a drink, and I have refused consistently.
I have set a time limit of 3 months in which time I will not have had a drink, to see if indeed, his attitude and sexual interest improves. I am certain that it will have no impact whatsoever.
What should I do, carry on for the sake of the children or make a clean break from him? I am also concerned that he would refuse to leave the family home and make out that I am over-reacting.
Kita x please help
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Tony (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 06 December 2009 at 10:26am said...
Dear Kitadog63
I can really feel how you are being torn between escaping an abusive relationship and the risk of losing your family. It sounds as if your husband is trying to control you and the emotional abuse you describe is never acceptable. You have been strong in following the couple counselling route and in putting your issues with alcohol behind you. One thing an abusive relationship can do is isolate you from your support networks, but it sounds as if you have overcome that now.
Only you can make the decision you are now considering, but you can help yourself to explore your feelings and understand your priorities by seeing a counsellor (it could be a relationship counsellor) on your own. If you then decide couple counselling (which had a temporary effect last time) is worth trying again, that could be pursued. But your strength in maintaining the boundaries within the relationship will be important.
I am sure you will make the decision that is right for you.
diana on 06 December 2009 at 8:19pm said...
Dear Kita,
You are an amazing woman having to deal with this for so long.
I could only do 15 years of it, you are right to have taken up counselling, but I, like you came to a bit of a dead end with it.
I became ill and completely run down as my mother became very ill at the time so everything was magnified.
All I can say is I agree with you giving the 3 months and I also agree with Tony re- you going to counselling, I only agree with this as whether you intend to break-up or not you need to be at your strongest physically and mentally as it takes it out of you completely (I doubt your husband will go to the counsellor) you are right to consider the kids, this is so hard as guilt plays on you.
I was so desperate to get my ex to go to counselling- like yours he seemed to participate and first then it was all thrown back in abuse.
6 long months after I left my husband he wanted to get back together and he had realised all of his mistakes.. this unfortunately was too late for me, it was the worst 6 months of my life and even the thought of going through that again was enough fro me to say no.
Life is so short and we never know how our decisions will turn out.
I can only tell you how marvellous I felt 2 years later, I became the woman and person I was years ago and realised that I had lived a lie for a long time, It is scary going out there on your own, but it was as equally sad being on 'my own' whilst I was married.
I do believe it is better for the children if they are happy, even though they find it hard, they will be happier if you are happier.
It's not easy but neither is the thought of spending the rest of your life miserable.
You have tried.
I wish you peace and love in your life and future
all the best
Diana xx
Kitadog63 on 07 December 2009 at 11:35pm said...
Hi Diane
Thanks for your comments. It is good to know that there are other people who have suffered the same humiliation as me. My God, you are absolutely right when you say we are living a lie. If I told anybody that knows us as a couple they would think I was joking. Nobody would ever believe that after a night out with friends and the fantastic act he puts on, the perfect loving husband, that we had no sexual relationship to speak of.
We have had many, many romantic dinners in expensive restaurants, where he holds my hand, gazes into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me. Then we go home and generally I will go to bed and he will fall asleep on the settee and then come to bed a few hours later. I always used to complain that the romance finishes the moment we leave the restaurant. I cannot believe I have let him get away with it for so many years. I suppose I have always hoped that things would improve, sadly, they never have and I am not prepared to spend another 20 odd years in the same boat.
I have to be realistic, he has not changed and the only changes that are likely to take place is that he gets more grouchy and pigheaded as he gets older. (He's in his mid 50's, I am in my mid 40's).
When people complain about lack of sex in their relationship people always expect it to be the woman who loses interest. Not the case here, I am very angry because when I was in my 20's I was beautiful with a good body - now I am in my 40's, still reasonable but having children and aging has taken its toll.
I catch him sometimes looking at me with a look that he's got a bad taste in his mouth. It really hurts because he didn't want me when I was young so now I feel I have nothing to offer any man after so many years of rejection from someone who claims to love me.
How long have you been separated from your husband and do the children see him? How is your relationship with your children now?
Thanks for your support
Kita x