Hi
I am new to this site, but after reading some of the posts couldn't help thinking 'thats me'. I have been in what I would have call a happy loving relationship for close to13 yrs, during this time we have been up an down, but mostly up. The past 12 months I have found things increasingly difficult to cope with. My Girlfriend/partner and I have been having some problems in respect of intimacy and sex within our relationship. I have a high sex drive and am also person who wants to be hugged, loved and occasionally made to feel like they are special. My Girlfriend is someone with a low sex drive and who is rarely inclined to provide the hugs, love I desperately crave. When we do have sex (maybe once a month or less) it is usually satisfying but it only happens when drink is involved. I am always the one to initiate sex and as a result am rejected on a regular basis, I find this sHould destroying at times. Put simply I feel miserable
I have spoken to my partner on a number of occasions and tried to explain how I feel and how it feels to be rejected so often. She knows I adore her and find her amazingly attractive but this seems to mean little or nothing. Countless times she will reject me and then 10 mins later want me, this just makes me feel like its a power game and is a big turn off for me. I am at an all time low right now and am not sure if the best option is to simply withdraw , but I know by doing this it will make no difference as she does not crave affection physical or otherwise. I take her out, I arrange weekends away, I try to put her first but cannot help but feel this is unrequited. We have just returned from a weekend away at a hotel for 2 days, I was of course rejected as usual and then suffered the usual 'i feel guilty so lets do it' response 10 mins later which I am longer interested in. I have asked if there is someone else, she replies no, I am not sure that I hold any kind of attraction for he anymore, whether she can bring herself to admit it.
Not really sure what else to do, I have found myself increasingly using porn to fill the gap in my relationship, but ultimately I feel like this causes as many issues for me as it temporarily resolves elsewhere. I am not really sure where to go or what to do next?
SD26
Please Log in or Sign up to add your comment. You will still be able to remain anonymous if you wish.
Tony (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 29 November 2009 at 9:41am said...
Dear Anonymous
I can really understand the pain of the constant rejection you feel, the effort it takes to try again each time and yet the feeling that withdrawing will make things worse in the long run.
Your partner's guilt feelings about her initial reaction suggests that there may be more to this than loss of affection for you. Perhaps there is a physical cause for the change in her, perhaps some mental block about her body or yours, or perhaps some reaction to the way you approach her (your expectation of rejection might be affecting this). If she is willing to look at the issue, it might be useful for her to contact her GP.
If you are both willing to talk this through and try to change it, then relationship counselling as a couple might be a help and you could try Relate or Marriage Care. Sex therapy might be an answer, but it's usually better to work through relationship counselling first to uncover any other issues that might be affecting it.
I hope you can re-establish mutual affection in your relationship.