I posted a brief note a couple of weeks ago to say my husband confessed to having an affair for the past months leaving me his 3 children and family and friends absoulutely devastated. He has told me that he wants to live with this woman in a flat with two other couples as she is from poland the other couples are polish to. He is leaving me our 3 children and a life we have built up, he says he loves me !!!But has strong feelings for her obviously feels he loves her but is sparing me that,this is what I thought was a good family man well thats what he has protrayed for the past 21yrs,it would have been 25yrs newyears eve to the night we got together I feel so hurt lonely sad angry, just wish I knew what to do next.
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Anonymous on 31 December 2008 at 8:14pm said...
I feel for you and can understand your feelings-instead of being able to celebrate your 25th anniversary of getting together you are feeling hurt and lonely, and confused about the future. It sounds as though you have good family and friends to support you. I wish you well.
Anonymous on 02 January 2009 at 10:04am said...
As hard as it may be it looks like the only thing you can do is try and move on. There's no way you could ever forgive him and it doesnt sound like he wants to reconciliate im sorry to say but it sounds like you already realise that. I wouldnt lie to your children let them know why their dad has gone. I cant imagine how you must be feeling, my gf of 4 years left me on new years day with no real reason and i was planning to propose on valentines day in paris under the eiffell tower and im devestated so your pain must be unbearable!!!
I guess all you can do is lean on your friends and family and remember that your children need you! dont do anything stupid!
You have my best wishes for the future and my deepest sympathys for the present. Just dont blame yourself, he's obviously a selfish calous man and the problem was his not yours!
Anonymous on 04 January 2009 at 2:59am said...
my husband left me for a woman 25 years younger than him. Our daughter discovered the affair. It's a terrible thing to go through, but it does get better. I took him back after the affair and he went back to this girl 3 months later. We divorced shortly after that. He is living with her and says he is "in love" I read somewhere that 75% of affairs don't work out.......so he will find the grass is not greener on the other side. In some strange way, this makes me feel better because I am healing and in a better place and he will just continue being stupid.
Anonymous on 17 January 2009 at 7:42pm said...
These men are criminals. I'm telling you. my husband and I have 3 kids-2,3 and 8. He had a affair with his Chiropractor of 4 months. The affair lasted 7 months until I "ruined" it for them. They spent a lot of time together and weekends when he was supposedly at work. Now she dumped him because he has the kids every other weekend and some nights. Not enough time for her. I forgave him and said we can work it out, but he continues to live seperate from us. He says he wants to take it slow and when I talk about coming home or about what happens he gets mad and says he thinks I can't let the past go. This is 2 months ago and we Never spoke of it except when I found out.
Men are selfish and when reality hits and you let them go they usually come running back. The grass may be greener for a while, but it begins to yellow like all grass that isn't properly taken care of!!
Anonymous on 20 February 2009 at 5:23pm said...
Here is what I know having lived through this. You will be so incredibly hurt for a while. Get a notebook and write down all your anger, hurt, upset, dreams that are now dashed..... I found that this helped me. I also found that I was able to find some answers in my doodlings. Get professional help. This is a step that i neglected. It will probably be hard to talk to family/friends and be able to express the completely outraged, and negative feelings. It will also help you understand your part in all of this, because unless he is a sociopath there really was a reason. Maybe not a really good one, because in my opinion he should have been a man and come to you, before the affair, and said I am not happy and I want to....... that is the adult thing to do. An affair is an act of cowardice.
Here are two things that I have come to discover that should make the other woman pause
1. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. How long until he realizes the life stresses didn't end when he left you. He still has to deal with the children, and you.
2. When a man gets with/marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy. He's had two at a time, he'll probably still want it, she should watch her little polish back
Make sure that you are protected financially, physically(did he use a condom?)and that your children will be provided for. See a lawyer. And if you don't have a means of support(job), get one. Do you want to be dependent on this man who has questionable morals?
You may also find that you don't want him back, if he changes his mind. Make sure that you are dealing with your emotions clearly, and not just subject to his whims of fancy. Because the way that you are feeling now, if he were to come back, your feelings of relief would be so overwhelming and you would probably take him back. So what would have changed between the two of you? What problems have been rectified? How is it any better than when he left? Except now that you will look at him as the man who so totally disrespected you, and you may begin to see him as less than desirable. This is a guaranteed way to have a repeat performance.. I know from experience.
Allow yourself to be angry and feel the pain, just be gentle in front of your children. They are still half him, and if you completely denegrate him, this may really hurt the children. Get professional help, I can't stress that enough.
Surround yourself with friends, breathe, wallow for awhile, if people offer to give you some help. let them. Good luck
Anonymous on 07 April 2009 at 6:45am said...
I was moved and saddened to read of the many times a husband has to others had an affair. As for me, we had a counselling business and my husband has had this unstable lady come to our home office for 2 yrs and she weaves this web of interfering and grooming his ego, making herself available and inviting him to her home for meals and going for bike rides and ultimately going away on holidays. One of the many things that trouble me is my husband, the counsellor seems to believe it okay to have a relationship with a client....I am agast and shocked and as everything unfolded last year with the affair I realise now there was no way of stopping what happened. My husband was seeing this lady for marriage counselling. He leaves me, his family, to move in a rental with her and she leaves her husband.....I am so struggling with this. I am a confident, caring and happy person, I look after myself and am well respected. My husband has hurt me so much I find at the moment I have to be just with me and heal and be there for my very angry son. He found alot of the txt messages last year on my husbands mobile and my husband lied to both me and my son so my son has emotions in him of such anger towards his father.. His father hasn't contacted him for 3 months since he walked out on us. My husband has taken this bimbo away on many holidays and she has destroyed my family. My husband has not had much money and she has been paying his bills and he says I am suppose to thank her.....omg.....I hate her! The counselling business has gone down so badly and he doesn't seem to care. They both are professing love to each other but how long will it last. She is a sick lady, had addictions, anorexia and destroyed other marriages, she has been married 3 times previously...will it work? I do not want my husband back in our life, my trust has been destroyed. I look down at what was the office and I see her always leaving with that smug look on her face.....That is what hurts the most at the moment....she was a client and my husband built a relationship with her while she was coming to my home....How do I get past it....? It hurts alot. It's a small town and people talk. I tell him to allow me to be angry at him and feel but I will never be friends with her or he again.
Anonymous on 08 April 2009 at 4:04am said...
Look yu way to good 4 him... there are just men out there that are arseholes, try and keep your self busy... this is a good destraction... it is not all a waste you have 3 kids that you love from it... time is a good healer, thing feel better in the past, maybe when you feel ready try having a relationship with someone else take it slow, it might b good to talk to someone about it let off some stress, and if you start to feel for someone else some of the pain might go away, not all men are arseholes... dont drink your problems away theres is never the answer at the bottom of the bottle, try and take it day by day...
hope i helped and hope yu heal your heart
Anonymous on 11 April 2009 at 10:50pm said...
Men do it, women do it! They embark on an affair without thinking of their partner. It is all self gratification to start with and an ego trip.My husband kept pushing me out of his mind he said. The worst of it was that another married couple helped set it up for a weekend as the 'bitch' and my husband all used to work together. In fact we had been out for a meal with them!
Yes, you want to know all the details even though it is a stab in the heart each time.You can't decide whether you will be better off without them or not.Every one tells you time will heal. Relate does help.
My husband can't do enough for me now, but I can't forgive him and certainly can't forget. We had only been married three years when his fling happened, but had been together longer.It does get easier every day even though you can have setbacks and you re-live it all again. If you both want it to work as we do, you'll have a fighting chance
Anonymous on 05 June 2009 at 11:48pm said...
75% of marriages do not survive affairs. You may get your hopes up but there will always be a 'niggle' in the back of your head. Give him up, walk away and be happy with your kids. You deserve to show him what hes lost and make him pay!
stephanieswns on 12 October 2009 at 10:39am said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team