I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a good, loving relationship. Up until about 7 - 8 months ago we have had a good sex life but things have been changing. We kiss and cuddle and hold hands when we are out and about but whenever I try to be a bit more intimate I get a brush off comment like "I thought you were going to sleep" or " Thats enough kissing i'm tired". In fact most of the time she will just turn away in a way that i cant stroke her skin or kiss her neck.
This is making me feel awful and is now adding to the problems because whenever I get that rejection which is now all of the time I dont even want to cuddle her or be close because it makes me feel unhappy because I dont feel any connection and feel as though she doesnt realise how hurtful it is to me. I realsise that my reaction is probably not good either as it is making the situation worse. however I have tried to talk about it and explain how she is making me feel. Every time we have a conversation about it we argue and cry and seem to make up and everything is fine. But in fact it isn't. Nothing changes.
Things that she has mentioned to me are : She feels ugly and fat, she doesn't get turned on by me anymore and that I dont realsise that the foreplay starts hours before going to bed. All these things are difficult for me to hear becasue it makes me upset about how she feels and also is a massive kick in the stomach for me. However i'm a grown up and can accept the criticism.
I am always telling her how beautuiful she looks and how pretty her face and hair are and that I love her very much.
As for the comments about me, well, I suppose recently over that last couple of months the romance has not been superb but I still cook for her, clean the house and try to sort out the things that she has been struggling to catch up on recently like Ironing, banking, cleaning her car etc..... With regards to romance i think deep down I am starting to give up. I used to always buy Flowers, take her out to the theatre, go for an impromptu dinner, Cook a nice candle lit dinner at home and things like that. But now I cant really be bothered. I know making love after a date is not the be all and end all but isnt that all part of the romance.
The stresses on are relationship are :
-She is off to Afganistan for 3 months in January !!!!
-She is short of Money
-She is working every hour that god sends
-She is upset about her weight ( and she isn't overweight )
-She was emailing a work coleague last January with quite flirty intimate chat. She left her emails open one day and I noticed the emails. She said that she was going through a difficult time and was doubting our relationship, they nearly kissed but nothing else happened and she loved me very much.
-I am facing a possible redundancy
-Money is a little tight but ok !
-I get annoyed when she spends all day at work then comes home to spend most of the night on facebook or checking her work emails.
She gets home from work at about 8pm every night which is driving me bonkers.
I am going to stop writing now because I am getting upset writing and this is a long post anyway so most people probably wont read it all anyway.
I hope everyone else is well though. X
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Bella on 21 October 2009 at 9:52pm said...
Hi Jimmy,
I actually feel very sorry for you and it's men like you, whom deserve the equality in a relationship, not a 1 sided one. You seem like a very nice guy, whom knows how to respect, care and love your g.f. The sad thing is, if she's not appreciating you now, she never will and this will only cause distress to both of you or even resentment. She'll realise the day you possibly decide to leave her, due to the constant rejections that only so much of you can take - what she took for granted. Have you tried speaking to her and getting her to understand how she is making you feel? Maybe she feels you are not doing enough, even though by the sounds of it, you seem to be making all the effort to make ends meet. You need to make her aware of how you feel and find out why it's reached to the point where you feel neglected and dismissed. I was with my b.f for 3 years and I appreciated every second of the romance, time and love he gave me, which I returned back. If things still don't work out, then maybe she's not the one? No one deserves to feel knocked down. Do something about your predicament before it's too late, but she will realise one day, how much she took for granted if she carries on the way she is. Sometimes, people realise too late about what they have, not everyone has the caring side like you. You don't want to end up hating her or vice versa, you need to put YOUR feelings forward now before it makes you crack.
I wish you all the best!
x
Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 23 October 2009 at 11:58am said...
Dear Jimmy
I am sorry to read that things are so difficult for you at the moment. You sound very bewildered about the way things have changed, but I think you realise that the lack of sex could be a symptom, and that you need to talk to each other honestly about what is really going on in your relationship. You are both under huge amounts of stress at the moment so understandably whenever you try to talk you always end up arguing and crying. I wonder whether you would both go and see a relationships counsellor, who would help you to talk things through and find a way forward, in a safe environment? See www.relate.org.uk or www.marriagecare.org.uk (you may find waiting lists at the latter are shorter, which would help if your girlfriend is going away in January). Also, have a look at the "Check it out" section of this website for helpful stuff, particularly "Changes and stages in a relationship" at http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/59 and "Getting on better with my partner" at http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/categories/11 I do hope you are able to talk to each other properly, good luck with the way forward.
Evo-88 on 30 April 2010 at 12:41pm said...
Hi Jimmy
My predicament is almost exactly the same as yours, me and my partener have been together for almost 3 years and the lack of sex recently is really getting me down. We are at the moment expecting our second baby and iam so excited as is my partener, however unlike the previous pregnancy she is just not interested in me physically. Like you my partener has a very negative view of herself saying she is ugly and fat all the time, and like you i constantly tell her shes not (which is true shes stunning).
Im at my wits end we havent had sex in almost a month and the space keeps getting further and further apart. I am concerned that she has openly told me that i dont turn her on anymore (however she has used the old cleshay of "its not you its me") I do so much for her and dont understand where this is coming from, I have recently renovated the house and garden, also in preparing for the new baby got the expensive pushchair she wanted to pay for herself for a fraction of the price with all the accsesories brand new from mothercare. I understand thats not everything I also try to keep the romance, I give her full body massages often, treat her to home cooked meals, I wake up with my son almost every day and let her sleep in and wake up to breakfast in bed, were not the most well off family in the world but i take her out wenever im able but if i cant afford to we have nice romantic meals and watch romantic movies at home after my sons gone to bed.
Even after all this there seems to be no desire to do anything remotly sexual, Im not even to bothered about going all the way just some intamate moments would be great but i can barley get a kiss anymore. I wanted to let Jimmy know your not the only one out there with the same problem (im not sure if it helps though) Also I just dont know what to do I love her more than anything else in this world, and I adore my son more than life itself, sometimes i think about what it would be like if I left but it just doesnt seem like an option. Im just so frustrated and horney and more than anything im devastated that the love of my life doesnt seem to feel the same way anymore. Help anyone?
Lucy (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 08 May 2010 at 10:16am said...
Dear Evo
I'm so sorry you're having such an unhappy time at the moment. It sounds like you're trying really hard to please your partner and show her how much you love her but feel you're getting nothing back in return. It's quite possible possible that your partner has gone off sex because of her pregnancy, perhaps feeling physically unwell and tired as well as unattractive. You don't mention problems in any other area of your life together and it's likely that her feelings for you have not changed and your sex life will return to normal in time. In the meantime have you talked to your partner and told her how unhappy rejected and frustrated you really feel?
Evo - you've posted this in answer to a comment so if you resend your comment again as a new post others visiting this site will be get a chance to send in their replies. I hope things work out for you. Let us know how you get on.