This post has been edited by a member of the Talk It Out team.
Hello! I must start from the beginning as I truly belive the problems with my relationship come from different places.
I am 20 years old. I met my fiance when I was 17 in 6th form and we started going out a couple of months later. I must admit that we are totally different people, I am the all stressed out girl and he is the laid back sort of guy. After starting going out with him, this girl added me on MSN claiming to be his "sister", I knew he had a sister at school, well thats what I've heard anyway.That girl started talking to me and I must say she was not very pleasant. She was always talking about his ex girlfriend and how in love he was with her, how I would never be able to make him as happpy as she did and as soon as I got to uni he would break up with me because he didnt want a long distance relationship. I didn't care much about this at the time because let's face it she was about 15 and that's what teenagers do. I didn't talk to him about this because we were not going out long and I thought we wouldn't go any further. A month into the relationship the girl comes to msn to talk to me, this time with a friend of hers. They told me that he had sex with her (she wasn't his sister, but his dad's girlfriend's daughter) and that he had foreplay with her friend while she was asleep. I confronted him with his, and he didn't denie it. He told me everything. He said he did have sex with she was his ex girlfriend, but he could not remeber anything about her friend. I dont want you lot to get me wrong, I was not worried about him having an ex girlfriend and I never doubted him for a minute, I do not think he cheated on me and nobody ever accused him of that, my only concern was that he had sex with an underage girl and that he didn't tell me about her beforehand. Anyway, we carried on with our relationship and a couple of weeks later he breaks up with me, the excuse being he had found someone else. I knew he talked to this girl on msn and that they were friends. The break up didn't last long as he came back the day after apologising. He said that he wasn't confident about us but as soon as he left me he realised I was the only one he wanted. I didn't take him back straight away, it took me a couple of days to think it through. Then I realised that we all make mistakes and we all have insecurities. After that relationship was great. I felt like he really loved me, he wasn't judgemental and he was there everytime I needed him. He used to ride his bike for almost an hour everyday to come and see me, he used to walk in the rain, he used to meet me every morning before he went to work, ring me numerous times. It just amazing. Over that period we had our ups and downs, and one of his friends was trying to break us up. Later I found out that they had been together before and that they had a fling in the weeks between him breakingup with his ex and me. I was fine with it, but a bit concerned that that person was trying to split us up. I then moved to uni, and I must admit it was the hardest time in my life. My mum and my step-dad were breaking up because he cheated on her and I was away from my fiance. I didn't really like being at uni because I didn't get along with a lot of people and I did get into a depressive stage. I went to a counselling session, where they gave me this questionnaire and advised me to go through with at leat 6 sessions, however I didn't attend as I found extremely hard to talk to a stranger. My mum was contemplating a move to another country, meaning I would have to stay in england and find a place for me to stay during the holidays. Could not come up with an idea, so my fiance offered himself to move in with me. The move was great, and he was always so supportive of me. The month after we moved in together, we bought a car, however he lost his job a couple of weeks after. It was tough and me being a student and working turned out to be very stressful. He found a job soon after and things were great, however we were not happy with the house as the conditions were awful, so 6 months after we moved out and found a better flat. after paying deposit for the new flat and sorting out our finances, the car broke down and we didn't have a choice but buy a new one. I must state that the car is essential for one of my jobs. We couldn't afford a new car so my hours were reduced extremely.the first months in the new flat were amazing, everything was getting back to place. My mum and my step-dad then got back together and they gave me a car. we thought life was great, everything was perfect. however, back in march my fiance was made redundant. My mum has been terribly helpful and we honestly do not know how to thank her. I must admit that I wasn't the easiest person to deal with. my fiance is quiet laid back and lazy and I had to take the lead, as I tend to do all the time. I was the one filling out his application forms everytime I saw them sitting at the table, I looked for jobs for him and I even took a third job. There was days I was surviving on pro plus, red bll and barely no food. my fiance took one job but he soon had to leave as it wasn't reliable. he then took a job with my step dad but because of his lazy personality my step dad was scared that he had to fire him. every single time I went to my mumsand asked how phil was doing at work, my step dad would look at me and say he was allright, but I knew it wasn't. My boyfriend ended up leaving and thank god he found a new one.we had been talking about getting engaged for a while. well, i had been talking about it. he thought it would be a good idea, but for some reason I sensed that he was always trying to find excuses, i.e. rings are too expensive, too young, no need to rush. I responded to all of those by saying I didn't need an expensive ring, could be something cheap and then we would buy a proper one as soon as we could afford it, technically I didn't think we were that young. One day after an argument over getting engaged, he stormed off and went to jewellers and bought me a ring. He said that he wanted to propose in a nice place and we were about to go on holiday so i kept nagging him about it. he came home and put the ring in bedroom, and when we argued over him storming off he said he had bought a ring, he showed me the box, told me what the ring looked like, etc. but when asked if I could have it he said no. I felt quite bad about it and he ended up givin up and proposing. The proposal wasnt great but sweet.on the same day I was nagging him ONCE AGAIN over the ring and he was telling me how pressured and stressed he was feeling. he then asked "do you know what I want" and I said "ya, you dont wanna feel pressured, etc" and he quickly said "no, I want you to be my wife". looking back it was the most magical moment of my entire life, but stupid bossy me wasnt happy with that. I felt like an idiot because I had pressured him and deep down I always wanted the proposals you see on tv when the guy always says how wonderful you are and why he loves you so much and then gives you this gorgeous ring. I made him propose again as he had planned. This time he took me to this castle in the beach in portugal and proposed saying this wonderful things. Again, I wasnt happy, it felt fake, it felt like it wasnt him at all.anyway, we are engaged now and I must say the first few weeks were the most wonderful time I have ever had with him. I felt like we did connect in such a way that is impossible to describe. Right now things a lot different. for the last couple of weeks things are going downhill. He is leaving for his army training on the 30th november and I am scared that he will find someone that does not nag him as much as me, someone that shares the same interests with him and I know he is worried as well, so we are both nder extreme pressure. Because of our finances we are not allowed tp go out at all, and we both lost contact with a lot of friends. It is not nice being at uni and not be exposed to the social side of it as most of my colleagues over there are not even bothered with the responsabilities of adult life. sex life is non existent, this time we didnt hve sex for 16 days, 5 of those i was on my period the rest of them he just could not be bothered. currently we dont have sex for about 6 days. his sex drive is pretty low which makes me feel inadequate, ugly and fat. finances are back on track but again we can't spend too much. he is a big spender, which causes some arguments. we share a bank account so we cannot keep secrets away from me (again, how could he keep the engagemetn secret?). At the moment i just feel no valued at all (not all university students work 32 hours a week during exam times), scared, and petrified. I love him to bits but he just can bear me nagging and being OCD about everything. He swears at me now he is just not listening and I am frustrated because I dont know how to deal with him anymore. On the other day I was talking to him about our lack of sex and he was taking the mick and badly enough I slapped him. It wasnt supposed to be a full on slap but it came out as such. I apologised to him but deep down part of me wanted to carry on because it feels like he is not listening. We argued and the day after he came home with a huge box of thorntons chocolates that we worked for at work. He worked 9 hours straight and only 15 mins break to give me the chocolates. he said he wanted to buy them but because we cant afford them he thought it was the only way.Dont get me wrong he is not his monster. I am just not the nicest person in the world, I ame xtremley bossy, some ppl say I am OCD and if things dont go as planned I shout and scream. I am losing control, being at uni, working and having him behaving like a child is not good and is stressing me out. He is not the guy that loves to talk, he doesnt. he never shares hisproblems with me because he didnt grow up in an environment where those things are done.I find it extremely hard to make him talk about his problems. I also am finding it hard to cope with loneliness. Most of my friendslive in portugal and even though I moved to england 4 years ago Im finding hard to make new friends or keep contact with old ones. What should we do to make this work? is it really important to socialise with our friends separately? Please help me. Im really insecure, not only because what happened when we started going out Im just insecure about myself and I am extremely negative towards everything. His dad had a couple of problems with police a couple of weeks ago and instead of being supportive towards him I was negative and pointed out repeatedly what his dad had done wrong. Dont get me wrong I love this guy to bits and i know he is the one for me. The mais issues is our sex life and the fact that we dont talk and also the fact that we ahve to overcome the problems with him going in the army and being apart from me. And we definately have to work on my negative comments and my negativity towards everything in general.
I am open to all criticisms.
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nattie on 12 October 2009 at 8:39pm said...
Hi Sarah,
I really feel for you, you feel how you feel and realise your mistakes but somehow cannot help it. You seem to be working on things and I am sure in time you will learn to relax a bit. I think you need to keep reminding yourself that in the scheme of things what's really important? You are in love with your partner, just think that about the dangers of driving him away with your nagging, and if you feel you are about to nag, count to ten while thinking of a different and kinder way of saying the same thing. He's really made an effort and seems to love you too despote your insecurities.
You will make friends, in the UK people tend to be more reserved so don't aoutmatically open up and start a conversation. If you make the effort to make some conversation and ask some questions to one or two people, perhaps speak about your studies you will soon find that you will be invited into their circle.
My goodness, your work schedule seems too much, may be worth downsizing to a room in rented accommodation so you don't have to pay so much. Also, it will enable you to mix with the other people in the house thus increasing your social life. I don't see the reason why your relationship won't work even through long distance, justt sweeten him when you say him and try the art of seduction.
Good luck to you.
Sinead (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 14 October 2009 at 4:16pm said...
Dear Saraxitah, The above response from Nattie empathises with your very pressurised circumstances and suggests ways you can communicate better with your partner and also suggests downsizing to reduce your costs and therefore the necessity to work 32 hours a week as well as keep up with your studies.
You also say in your post that when you were having a conversation with him about the lack of sex in your relationship you slapped him and apologised afterwards. It sounds like you do realise that this was way beyond the bounds of acceptable behaviour. You also say that you could have continued. When something like this happens it is important to take action to make sure it does not happen again. Relationship counselling can be accessed through www.marriagecare.org.uk and www.relate.org.uk or contact Suportline at www.supportline.org.uk for emotional support and details of counsellors, support groups and agencies throughout the UK. They can also be contacted by 'phone at 020 8554 9004