Hello - this is my first time on this site and I've found it useful already but need some help and advice from anyone out there.
My bf and I have been together 8mths - he's recently moved in with me and in the beginning things were so great. Not long after the start I noticed he was quite a jealous type and it got me thinking why? I found out a few things that made me question if he had double standards: he kept in touch with an ex (although he was open about this he'd made it clear he wasn't that keen on me doing the same) and he used to use flirting social network sites online - which makes me feel uneasy but he says was only a bit of a laugh and used them to boost his ego - no intention of ever meeting anyone.
I've had a few bad relationships where trust was an issue and basically I feel that men are very capable of staying in a relationship even if they're not happy and see no future - at 34 I feel it's wasting my time to stay with someone who's not committed and so definitely feel burnt from the past.
My jealous side has come out in terms of his ex, female friends, etc. and I just need to get out of this rut but don't know how. I'm unemployed, skint, feeling low in general and he's my life at the moment so I'm keeping in touch with my female friends and trying to jobhunt and get more positive in general.
What kills me is I know how loving and affectionate things were and whilst I try to take a step back (not in terms of intimacy or availability, more leaving him alone when he's at work, not hassling him if he's with his mates) I can't help feeling the love or "spark" has gone. He says he loves me and wants to help me work out my problems but I then feel like it's all my fault and want him to recognise what his initial paranoias stirred up in the relationship. He feels that everyone is like that in the beginning but after just 8mths should it be this way?
I always try to give someone the benefit of the doubt and have made conscious efforts not to taint my new partners with the way I've often been made to feel in the past by others. Yet I know these insecurities and doubts come out - they're part of me and what made me but I know I can't blame him for whatever other people may have done to me in the past.
I know we can't change the past but I want to recreate the initial romance and passion we had for each other and all the excitement that goes with it. I need some advice to get back on track and somehow change my feelings and behaviour accordingly. Can anyone help me please? I feel so lonely and I know he's keen to have things back as they were initially too but I don't want to put any more pressure on the relationship than I already have done. Have I ruined things completely? Am I flogging a dead horse?! Thanks for reading - any advice is welcome.
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beansontoast on 12 October 2009 at 11:33am said...
Please help me cos I think I'm beginning to go mad - I also feel our sex life is dwindling after just 8mths this can't be right but I know other things have an effect on it....I sometimes wonder why he closes his eyes during sex and often waits for me to initiate. He doesn't use my name and I have requested that he do this as I find it a turn on (even just to say it at the start when he wants it) and he has said he will try and do this but I guess it's not a natural thing for him....I also feel rejected that he won't touch me unless it leads to sex and if I'm on my period (only two days but he seems to think it's a whole week!)
Charlie (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 12 October 2009 at 4:51pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
Dear beansontoast,
I'm sorry that you're feeling pretty low at the moment. You seem anxious about your relationship, closeness with your boyfriend and intimacy with him. I see from your post that you have had a brief look at the site and I think you'd find some of the exercises really helpful. In the Check it Out section there are ideas about working through different problems in relationships - jealousy, arguing etc. There are also supporting articles and some video clips to watch too. In the Work it Out section you can find various exercises to go through, with your boyfriend or on your own if you prefer, which will help you both to communicate better.
You also sound as though you're feeling a bit lonely. You mention some female friends you have, and I wonder if there is one in particular who you could trust, and who you could talk to about how you're feeling. There are two organisations which can help with relationship difficulties, and you may find it helpful to approach one of them. They are www.marriagecare.org.uk and www.relate.org.uk. I do hope you find the way forward. Let us know how you progress. Charlie
beansontoast on 13 October 2009 at 10:25am said...
Thanks Charlie, I apprecitate your thoughts.
I am looking through the exercises and hoping for the best, I think it's a vicious circle though and am really scared we won't be able to break through it. I've been on the pill for 17yrs and have just changed to a different pill as I'm hoping this may help my moods, not sure. Another frustration is that he won't have sex with me whilst I'm on my period, I don't even have heavy, long periods but he's not interested although says he is and I'd be happy to do other stuff but he has made no demonstrative attempts to let me know he still desires me - we argued this morning about it. I have spoken to him and said I feel rejected and I would like to still do something even if it does not lead to sex...it breaks my heart really cos he won't talk to me about it as he feels too embarrassed and scared of upsetting me....vicious circle again...
Thanks again, any other comments really welcome as I'm trying hard to make myself positive and get on with things.
Anonymous on 13 October 2009 at 12:53pm said...
Hi beansontoast,
I thought I'd wade in with my opinion if that's ok! I think you're feeling so low within yourself that you're driving yourself round in circles. You're feeling pretty down, caused by so many things - perhaps your hormones with the pill, but also being out of work, and a more general sense of everything just being rubbish at the moment.
I think you need to focus on making yourself happier, doing the things you are already doing - like trying to find a new job, meeting up with your friends. Your relationship isn't bringing you much happiness at the moment, and it's possible to see why - everything else is making you feel low, and you're interpreting things in ways that they may not really be. Remember you can't change other people, just your reactions to what they do. This relates to so many things - your interpretation of the lack of sex, him being in touch with former girlfriends. It's a bit like a hidden issue for you could be your depression? http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/58
I think you need to see your doctor about how you're feeling, and talk about the possibility you might be a little depressed. Hopefully they'll help you to find support for it. The number one thing is making yourself feel better - with that the way you interpret your boyfriend will be more positive, and everything will pick up! I'd also have a look at this http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/64