My husband recently started a new job which takes him away from home for a couple of weeks at a time. After his first trip he came home and we just could not connect anymore. I was overly attentive trying to please him and cuddling him all the time, then I got needy and started asking him for affection. I got it all wrong! Prior to this our relationship has always been happy and my husband always touched me affectionately. Over the past few weeks he has been withdrawn and I have been trying to get him to open up and tell me what's wrong so that I can help. This only made things worse and he began to tell me that he couldn't stand me. I took this to mean that he didn't want his home life anymore. I gave him what he needed (space) and tried avoiding him, going out and leaving him at home, but this seemed to make things worse too. Eventually he decided to leave for a while. He says he still loves me but just can't stand being with me. My feelings for him haven't changed, I desperately want him to come home and for things to be as they were before. I text now and again to tell him I love him. how do I show support and understanding without irritating and pushing him away further. He looks as though he's having a breakdown. Can we get back on track?
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littlemissy on 02 October 2009 at 12:48pm said...
Hiya,
I'm going through the same situation at the moment, but experiencing it slightly differently. My partner is working away and we see each other every weekend. We've been apart before in our past - once not seeing each other for 5 months, and once for 3 years, but seeing each other every other weekend.I guess in that way we were prepared for it.
For us in all of these periods the time of coming back together was difficult - it's like you need to re-connect, change the way you talk to each other, compared to normal everyday life. But after the first evening it feels much better.Do you have any sense of when he'd be based closer to home or you move to him? Having hope that it will get better is really important.
Now you're at such a crisis point I think you need to prioritise your relationship and have a long period together. That would allow you to get back in the pattern of re-connecting. It would also give him something to look forward to - my partner gets terribly lonely in the first part of working away, until he has good contacts in his new community. Saying he can't stand being around you makes it sound like he's angry. I wonder if his reasons are around you being so clingy, not being there for him when he's feeling so low? I think for your relationship you need to keep as strong as you can, as it doesn't sound like your husband can be at the moment.
Also, how often do you speak for? My partner and I chat every night for up to an hour, as it allows us to share and not build up the emotion, and everyday life. Perhaps chat a little more often?
more2life on 02 October 2009 at 4:01pm said...
I agree with littlemissy - your husband sounds angry. Maybe he's finding the job change difficult to cope with and the resulting effect it's had on how you are acting around him. Being clingy and needy is a turn off for most people (unless they're control freaks - which your husband isn't by the sounds of it).
I had a friend lodging with me for 2 years - she'd drive down from Glasgow on Monday morning and drive home on Friday so she had a couple of days with her husband. I know it's not the same as your situation but the one rule they had was that they spoke to each other every night at 10pm - I'm positive this helped them stay 'connected'.
However, one consideration could be that he's found he likes his 'new life' and feels guilty because he knows nothing has changed for you. I'm surprised if it would be this soon though, but you just never know. At the least, you deserve an explanation for his change in attitude toward you.
How do things lie right now with him? Is he responsive to your texts/phone calls?
I'd be tempted to arrange a meeting with him and tell him that, in supporting him with his new job, the least you deserve is an explanation for his change in behaviour - even if it's something you may not want to hear.
You may need to keep a stiff upper lip as he might be expecting you to be weepy/clingy or whatever it is he seems to detest so much just lately - if you show you are strong and able to deal with this, he may see you in a totally different light.
One way or the other, you need to know what's going on as you're just stuck in limbo, none the wiser, and it's totally unfair. If you prepare yourself for the worst though, anything else won't seem as bad, and you'll have more chance of staying composed.
Don't let this drag on..... you deserve to know what's going on one way or the other.