Morning everyone,
I am struggling! I am 26, and living with my partner of a year. I love him more than anything else in the world.
In the beginning I moved in with him, moving out of my area to be with him, and as he has 2 children, he wont move away from them.
Over the past 9-10 months I have tried to integrate with his friends and family, I think anyway that this is all going well, I have a new circle of friends and do enjoy a lovely social life with him.
The problem I have is with his past relationships. He was married and with his ex for 10 years. They have remained on good terms, and work very well together at making it work for the kids, sorting out when they stay etc. But this is the one area I feel like I'm kept out of slightly. He doesn't do it very often, and they don't ask very often, but when he is asked he drops everything to run round there.
I struggle anyway as I have never been with anyone who has kids/who has been married etc. But i am finding it increasingly difficult as I always feel like I cant get away from his past (aside from the ex wife obviously, he also has an ex-girfriend in the village who turned once he and I got together, she is friends with his friends and made it very difficult when I moved here).
I know this is all me being jealous, but I don't know how to get past this, it doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it hurts so much.
I trust him impeccably, the ex-wife is always nice to me, the kids are great, why cant I get past this, why cant I move on? He has, his ex-wife has!
I need advice, I can't talk to him anymore, he has listened to this so many times, he's fed up, and if I mention his ex or the kids, he turns against me, and defends them always.
Told him I was leaving a few months ago as I couldn't integrate into his situation and didn't want to mess it up for him. We talked for a long time, worked through it and I decided to stay. I don't want to be-little that by doing it all the time, but that's how I feel.
Would hate to distroy their happy situation or cause friction, need to change my behaviour if this is to be sorted, just don't know how.
Any advice would be a massive help!
Thank you
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James (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 26 September 2009 at 12:09pm said...
Dear Anonymous, You are feeling jealous because you are feeling left out when your partner is seeing his ex wife and his children. It is normal sometimes to feel jealous, it shows you care. However, if jealousy becomes an obsession it can destroy a relationship. A way of dealing with jealousy is to look at the positiveness of the situation. It may be that your partner is a caring person because he cares for his children. The fact that he has spent time with you discussing the issue would suggest he wants to be with you despite his commitment to his children. It is worth continuing to talk to your partner and exploring your feelings. It would be the way forward to build trust between you. The "check it out" section of this site might also help especially http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/5 You have my very best wishes.
stressedsarah on 12 January 2010 at 9:54pm said...
i know how u feel, my situation is slightly different! my partner was with his ex girlfriend for 7 years and she left him randomly so he didnt get much of a say in the breakup, well when me and him started seeing eachother i found naked pictures of the two of them (mainly her) and it broke my heart, this was not the only time i found them 3 more times after that! now that i have seen them i cant get over it and i keep thinking of her and him and thinkin if my reletionship is better than what they had!! i am jelouse i can't deny that and i want to forget about it so bad but i cant when his family keep talking about her and his friends wont speak to me because she left him and they think im going to do the same thing!!! i know its different but its all about the ex really!!!