Hi everyone. Am new to this so hope I can write something sensible here. I would be very grateful for some advice on what to do about my current situation, as I don't know what to do for the best.
I have been with my partner for 11 years. I love him and and still enjoy his company and am as attracted to him as when we first met. In most respects I'm really happy with our relationship.
The last few years have been very hard as I've been unemployed and at the start of this year got pregnant unexpectedly then had a miscarriage, which I found devastating.
I am working as a temp and am still trying to find permanent work, but am hopeful that I'll get a job soon. I would like us to start trying for a baby as soon as we get our finances sorted out. I'm 32 and quite anxious that we're leaving things too late as it would be our first baby. Unfortunately my partner doesn't seem to understand this and says he is not willing to start a family at the moment, although he says he may want to in the future (he's also 32)
He doesn't want us to break up any more than I do, and we're both keen to get married, but we just can't seem to find a way to compromise on the issue of having children as it's something I desperately want, and he does not.
He says he may feel differently once we're not under so much pressure due to our financial situation, but I fear he may just be stalling. The situation is making me extremely unhappy, and I don't know whether I should leave him now and try to get on with my life, or wait to see if he changes his mind, potentially putting us both through years of unhappiness.
We have spent many hours talking about it, but don't seem to get anywhere. I would be grateful for some advice, and also wonder whether anyone with experience of couples counselling could advise whether they think it might help us?
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Tony (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 27 September 2009 at 10:36am said...
Dear Anonymous
I can feel how painful and frightening it is to have your loving and stable relationship threatened by such an important difference in looking at its future. The anguish of your miscarriage must be compounding your anxiety.
Couple counselling could be a good answer for you, since it would allow you both to explore the underlying fears and emotions in a safe place that will allow you to listen to each other without feeling judged. It could also help you to explore any differences in your reactions to the pragnancy and miscarriage.
Visit www.marriagecare.org.uk or www.relate.org.uk to find out more. Marriage Care will not ask you to donate more than you can afford, while Relate is prepared to reduce its charges where money is short.
If your partner is reluctant to go for couple counselling, but you both feel this problem is something you could explore in more depth together, then you may find the'Work It Out' section of the site has exercises that could help you to talk more about it. There is an exercise called 'Personal goals' that you might find helpful.
I wish you every success in working your way through this.