Ive been with my partner now for nearly 2 years, we met on an internet chat site and at first seemed perfect for each other. We spent every minute possible together and when we weren't together we were always in contact via loving text messages. Then 12 months ago i found out i was pregnant. My partner immediately said he wanted an abortion but as i completely disagree with abortions (its basically murder in my eyes!) i wouldnt do it so he begrudgingly agreed that we would bring up the baby together. Everything was perfect at first, he was so caring and protective, but then after i moved in, and my belly started to grow, things changed. At five months pregnant, already feeling very self conscious about my changing body, i found out that whilst downstairs cooking his dinner my boyfriend had been upstairs in the bathroom on the laptop masturbating over porn. I spent the rest of the evening in bed distraught, mainly at he fact that i felt like i had been cheated on, as to me if you are getting an erection over another woman its because you want to have sex with her! He said at first that he wasnt masturbating over them he just saw that and got in the mood and then masturbated over me which i know is a load of rubbish he made up just to try and make me feel better! Since then our relationship has got worse and worse.
It got to a point where he would use any oppurtunity tomasturbate over porn, i would pop out to the shops and come back to see on the laptop that he'd 'been busy', and when i confronted him he told me it was either that or him cheat on me!!
By this point my confidence was shattered and allsorts of things were going through my head-was he cheating? if not does the porn mean he will eventually cheat? is it me? when he's having sex with me is he thinking of these other women so that he can manage an erection because im so ugly?
Another hurtful thing is he would ask me to do things to him that he had quite obviously seen one of these tarts on a website do which also made me feel used.
Its not just the porn, he will watch music videos and openly admit that he fancies the girls infront of me which i find hurtful and quite frankly completely disrespectful!
Its got to the point now where we just dont get on, i cant deal with the porn im disgusted by it and he wont stop, instead he tells me that im an insecure paranoid mess with serious mental health issues-and to some degree i agree with him but he is the one who did this to me and he is the only one who can fix it but he doesnt realise this. I constantly crave his affection but theres not one occassion i can think of in the last six months where we've cuddled without it meaning he wants sex! I just want to be loved and feel like the only girl in the world to him but right now all i feel is worthless and disrespected.
I hope somebody has some ideas for me because its now breaking point and i dont want to leave him, i love him and our son adores him, but i cant carry on feeling like this.
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Anonymous on 12 September 2009 at 5:06pm said...
Hi
Every bloke I know - married, in a partnership or single - all masturbate! It’s perfectly natural.
A part of that, for some men, involves visual stimulus such as porn. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it and it certainly isn't cheating or meant to make you feel inadequate. It’s just what men are like. Provided he is not subjecting you to it unwillingly, then I can not see anything wrong with it.
I think the fundamental problem you both have here is that you feel guilty for wondering if you may have ‘trapped’ him by getting pregnant. He feels resentful for having done the right thing by you and the baby against his better judgement because he really wasn’t ready to become a dad.
I think you both need to sit down and discuss the whole situation through from the start and then make plans for the future - either together or apart.
As far as your own sexual awareness is concerned, why not take up burlesque dancing lessons [they are women only!] or Egyptian dancing or Belly dancing. All these are quite sensual which, not only make you feel fitter and healthier, and they will also do wonders for your low self-esteem. Then you definitely won't feel threatened by what Porn offers.
Good luck!
Anonymous on 12 September 2009 at 10:19pm said...
I agree that most men masterbate but when it is done so frequently over internet porn then it becomes an addiction issue that needs to be addressed.
Some men become so involved in what they view they see it as normal which it is not.
Can you arrange to go out on a date to refresh your relationship and have 1 evening a week just cuddling on the sofa watching a movie?
You both need to sit down and discuss where the relationship is going as your son will be picking up on any tension between you both and that's not good for him
luismummy on 14 September 2009 at 12:48pm said...
This is the problem as soon as i try to discuss it with him and tell him how i feel he gets really defensive, saying that im making him feel like a freak when its me with the problem and its me whos got a mental problem.
My mum has our son once a week for us so that we can spend time together but he's just not interested in going out the house, he says he wants to spend that time in bed catching up on his sleep!