This is personal and embarrasing - I could never tell my mates but somehow am managing to tell millions of other poeple! Me and my wife, we don't have sex like we used to and it's doing my head in - we're in a rut of 'you don't hug me so I don't want to have sex with you' and I say 'if we had more sex then I'd hug you more'. Also, when we do have sex it's not so much 'making love' but a bit different (more adventurous) which is good at the time but feels a bit weird afterwards like we haven't made love. How do we get out of this? We are literally having sex once a month - she just doesn't seem to be interested and she told me to stop hassling her (which I've now done) which means we just don't talk about ti and I can see this lasting months and months.
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Anonymous on 09 September 2009 at 4:09pm said...
Do you only hug your wife when 'asking' for sex? Or do you hug her for the sake of a hug - no strings?
Try going back to basics - hold her hand as you sit on the couch watching tv. Do a spot of flirting without any alterior motive? Or give her a quick passing hug and tell her she looks nice before going of to do something else.
I suspect your wife is feeling a bit pressurised into performing. A lot of women feel like this- especially when the only time their partners show any affection towards them is when they want to have sex.
loobyloo on 09 September 2009 at 7:07pm said...
I'm afraid your coming across as unsensitive. Why cant you give your wife more affection without there being "strings" attached? She is telling you what the problem is but your not hearing what she is saying.
Stop acting like neanderthal man and start doing more of what your wife is missing. Start to change now before its too late and she no longer loves you.
Danial on 13 September 2009 at 8:16am said...
Well if you really love your wife than you can live with out sex. Sex have divide meaning. Love can easily handle without it. If you realy car your wife, you should love her through heart not through your genitals.
Your wife needs love, not sex it's all she wants, show her that you truly love her through the most radical and most romantical step, it's up to you to find it. Good luck!
abby on 11 November 2009 at 11:47pm said...
Danial I'm afraid to say that you saying "if you really love your wife then you can live without sex" seems awful... sex is a healthy part of a relationship one that needs satisfying, however I do think that this guy needs to go back to basics as someone originally said, try hugging her without the need for the hug to progress any further perhaps take her out for more romantic meals and holding hands
Lovelife83 on 06 February 2010 at 4:31pm said...
I know exactly what the wife is going through. As soon as my partner cuddles me or kisses me there is always a sexual movement!! He can't just come up to me and give me a cuddle or a kiss and walk away. Our sex life is no more!! I feel thats all he wants me for. He has a really high sex drive and i have caught him on swingers website which upsets me and i thought catching him on that would bring us closer somehow by me making more of an effort but it pushes me away. I have no idea what to do to make us happy again and to get my sex drive back. I know if that happens then he won't look elsewhere!
Anonymous on 06 February 2010 at 10:07pm said...
Hi there,
I don't think you sound either insensitive, or that you are being a neanderthal man. I think that you saying those things indicates that you are sensitive - you want to make love to your wife, this is good! It is a way for you to be close to her, and I suspect that as a society we are quick to judge men as being insensitive to the emotional aspects of sex.
It's a two-way street. You deserve to feel able to talk to or approach your wife about this (without it being labelled "hassling"). Sounds like she is being unfair in her attitude, and insensitive to you. But I agree with the advice that says that you could be more mindful about giving her affection without expectation. One of you is going to need to take the initiative to change things, and it sounds like this time it is up to you.
All the best to you, from a woman who has experienced much the same thing from her husband.