Well, a little background, the girl I am in reference I am NOT dating, we are however, very good friends, and it's a little more complicated than the traditional "in love with your friend" predicament. For one, she is 7 years older than me. Despite this, we get along very well, and we have very similar interests, likes and dislikes. She also has 3 children, with 3 different fathers. 2 of them are active in their kid's life, while one hasn't seen her dad in quite a while. When we first met, a few months ago, we clicked immediately, and were very interested in each other. It made me feel like I was in high school again, talking on the phone all night and going to work so tired I couldn't stand it, surprising each other with small little gifts or showing up at each other's place. It went very, very well for a few months. We were even discussing moving in together in a couple months (which was actually her idea). We had sex, stayed several nights together a week, and even introduced each other to parents. During this whole time, of course, we never talked about a relationship, or if we did said we would discuss it later, but neither of us saw or dated anyone else. Well, in the end I found out I was going to move for a promotion (about an hour away.) We were both kind of bummed about it, and hung out as much as possible.
Then, things took a sudden turn on her birthday (2 days before I left). She came to stay the night, and I had a cake for her, some candles and mood lighting, and then we just laid in bed and talked all night. The issue of love came up, and I told her that I had never told anyone that I loved them before, even though I had been in serious relationships (including moving in together). She looked at me and said "Well, it will just be a mutual understanding then." I never really got that. Once I got there, staying with a friend, I missed her so much, as well as my family, that I decided I couldn't do it. I talked to her about it, though I didn't tell her it was because of her, because I didn't want her to know how much I cared about her and thought about her. She said she would support me in whatever I thought was best for me. We ended up talking a lot, and it eventually led to me telling her that I loved her. She was kind of taken by surprise at first, but before we got off the phone she told me that she loved me too. (And that was the only time she has ever said it.)
With that, I moved back and of course, when I went to get my job back, I was told that it had already been filled. I was very, very depressed, and went a week or two where I wasn't motivated to do anything, and we talked quite a bit over the phone. I cried, I told her everything, how I felt and what was going on. She always reassured me, but was somehow more cold than before. There was no intimacy anymore, she acted like I was just a friend (which I guess I am), and she always had an excuse to not be able to see each other. Before, she would have moved mountains to see me, but now something as simple as a tv show was enough to not come over.
Eventually, I got entirely frustrated with the situation and told her I couldn't do it anymore. I told her I couldn't deal with my feelings for her not being reciprocated. She basically told me she would respect my wishes, and we did discuss the fact that she wasn't "in love" with me. The next night, we ended up talking again, and said that our relationship might grow in the future. At this point, we still weren't able to hang out (I offered pretty much every day, and she always refused.) Then, I finally got some good news back, I was able to get my job back, which was a huge burden off of my shoulders. I was a lot happier, and even wanted to celebrate with her, but again, she refused. Over the next couple days, we did talk, and sometimes we would talk like we used to, like we were very serious about each other, and sometimes we would talk like we were just friends. Lately, it has been like we are friends, but there is a huge elephant in the room. I haven't addressed her refusal to hang out with me other than mentioning that I miss her and the kids quite a bit, and would like to see them. It really hurts that she won't hang out with me and doesn't seem to care about me in the same way anymore, but I know that I can't make someone love or like or want to date me.
So, I guess the advice I need, is what do I do from here? I love her to death, and would do anything for her. Same goes for her kids. The obvious thing is to just stick with being friends and move on, but it's hard for me to do that. I think about her constantly, and feel like the only way I can get over here is to cut all contact, and I can't bring myself to do that. On the other hand, talking about it in the past hasn't helped the situation at all, so I don't know how it would help now. I'm tired of asking her to see me, and I know it's got to be starting to annoy her that I keep asking. I get the hint, it just hurts, and I hope after every conversation that I said whatever I need to say to make her want to see me again. We haven't even seen each other since I moved back. Do I stay the course, and keep trying to salvage whatever it is we had? Or do I cut contact and move on (that would really hurt me, whenever I think about it it's not just her, it's her kids, who I love too, and would miss way too much.)?
There are no comments on this post yet.
Please Log in or Sign up to add your comment. You will still be able to remain anonymous if you wish.
An introduction to
Bringing up children - My way, Your Way, Our Way
What other couples say about
Becoming a parent
An introduction to
Sex and romance - Sex
Did you know this about
Work?
An introduction to
Becoming a parent - And Baby Makes Three!