My relationship with my boyfriend is constantly a roller coaster. We adore each other, but there are so many things niggling away at me that my head is a mess.
The whole story is very long and complicated so I will spare you that. However, since we've been back together, the number of arguments we've had a increased to the extent that I've said on frequent occasions that he has to go. He went to the doctors for a referral for counselling and started on some medication. I've not seen a dramatic change, but then I did attend a session with him and the counsellor said that it will be a long and rocky road.
I've been open and honest with him from the outset, telling him that I get very stressed and need someone who will help me to calm down, I also need my home to be clean and tidy, and I am careful with my money (we were together years ago, so some of that he already knew)
However, I am constantly picking up after him and my two children, and if I say anything about it, he gets arsy with me. He's got financial problems, and I've tried to help him through, but in my opinion he continues to waste his money. This has caused a lot of arguments. I understand his feelings but cannot seem to get through to him.
He does loads around the house in terms of frequently cooking, making the packed lunches, cleaning etc....he is generally great with the children, and we have an amazing sex life. However, one day he can be calm, caring and easy to talk to, the next he is the complete opposite (today he needed his wallet, and wanted to know where it was straight away...I said I couldn't remember - was scrubbing the toilet at the time - and his mood from then seemed to escalate, but then he kept saying that it was me that was getting stressed!!!!!)
About a month and a half ago, he moved out for a couple of weeks, and I had strings of texts telling me how much he loves me, wants to be with me forever etc....but I'm finding him so difficult to talk to about my real feelings...the number of friends I've got has decreased and I believe that it is because he is very brash, and can be abrupt around people (he's not comfortable or happy within himself, and he seems to think that everyone is judging him). I'm constantly disorganised because I can't seem to get him on side with keeping the house tidy, and the money issues are driving me around the bend. He says that he agrees with me on things, but when he moved out, he spent an absolute fortune on a load of stuff he really didn't need (I understand retail therapy but it's only making things worse, and I feel it's affecting my trust in him)
I want to go to counselling with him, but am worried that the things he hears will make things worse and that he will feel more of a failure?
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clarabella590 on 31 August 2009 at 3:54pm said...
I take it from the title of your post you dont want to call an end to your relationship, then obviously there is good in there too and you think this is worth working for.
I have never been for relationship counselling but I would imagine that your both have to hear good and bad about each other and then work at making things better. So yes he will find it hard but in the long run it will be better for you both.
You might not like some of what he says either...
At least with a counsellor there it is in a controlled environment and everything you say can be explored etc.
If the relationship is worth fighting for then go for it.
VikH on 31 August 2009 at 5:42pm said...
How do I know if it is? I'm not sure whether I'm just grabbing onto something, convincing myself that it's better than it is. There have been many problems. However, there are many positives too. It's all just too irratic and I feel that as soon as I talk to him about problems, he shuts off and doesn't want to know. He talks in a different tone, and is a completely different person, which just puts me on edge. He then tells me I'm making the problems worse than they are, but he doesn't appear to take my feelings on board. I don't know who I'm living with half the time. My mum says she was very much like him when she was younger, getting aggressive and angry very quickly. She's now changed, but I just don't know if I can keep going through all the stress
Halo on 01 September 2009 at 12:52pm said...
I would write him a letter explain how you feel and how you notice his mood and want to help him with it. If you write it down he can't shut off from it as your feeling with actually exists (on paper). You need to let him know you’re not happy with how things are and you can tell he is not happy with something. You know if it worth fighting for if you want to be there for him while he needs to change. I know it easy to think "oh it just a habit" but it should click in your gut. The only reason he is saying you’re making it worse because he does not what to deal with what is bothering him. He needs help on his own but consoling together may be help full for you to get your point across and vent.
xbeckymx on 01 September 2009 at 8:30pm said...
heyyy my names becky
iv had the same problems with my boyfriend, we have been together 7 months now and he has cheated on me 6 times now, iv recently found out that he had another girlfriend and that he was with her for 4 months. he has told me that he has ended it because he loves me but tbh if he loved me then he wouldnt do it in the first place. i dont want to walk away but i think im going to have to soon becuase i cant look him in the face everynight when i go to sleep.
so i know how dificult it is for you, i have tried talking to him and it has worked and try telling him hopw you feel and just make him listen. i usually say once a cheat always a cheat but people can change.
x