Hi all, first post so here goes,
I will start off with a bit of background info first!, im 20 and i own and run my own business which to be honest is very stressful, but i can cope with that. I live at home with my parents and have an almost idyllic family life not motherd but just a happy home, we as a family have some problems like most i suppose, ill relatives, financial stresses normal things etc. I suppose id class my personality as sensitive, paranoid but at the same time somhow and somtimes confident.
My girlfriend is 18 very clever, not as deep thoughted (if that the right word!) as myself and is a student. Now her family background is somewhat different, her mother has been for several years now an alcoholic increasing in time in severity, her Dad left when she was only a little girl, and we have recentley buried her auntie who died tragically at the age of 35, I have been there for her through everthing, her mum in hospital, the funeral, when shes been upset by her mother (who can be nasty).
We have been together for 3 years, heres the problem i will concentrate on one incident for now! The other thursday she went out on the town with her friends which is a pretty normal thing for her to do, but whilst she was out, a good friend of mine spotted her with another guy and she was very drunk, so when he told me i asked her who he was, and she said he was just a friend and she got a taxi back and went their seperate ways, anyhow i noticed that they had become friends on facebook but when i asked her she said she hardly knew him and for some reason i was strangely suspicious. i asked her if we could go on her facebook an she said no and could instantly tell she was hiding somthing, so that night unable to sleep i did a bad thing and went on her hotmail account and discoverd private emails from the prementioned guy the emails suggested that they could possibly be more than just friends!
What should i do? confront her about the emails? ask her if she has feeling for him? Is it normal for me to feel anxiety after finding things like this out, or should i just chill and trust her?
I mean this girl is the most important in my life right now, i love her alot, and to lose her would render me unable to cope i think! Saying that though i am not possesive or anything like that i let her get on and do what she wants.
There have been other incidents like this and now it has come to a head and i really need some advice.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this post, i have described my girlfriend and i and our relationship as accuratley and as honestley as i can.
Regards daniel
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Anonymous on 29 August 2009 at 9:29pm said...
Hi Daniel,
It's so hard to be ina difficult position like this. I have to say, I've never had anything quite like this, but when I was younger I did have a relationship with someone from a very different background to me. There was no question of him cheating, but it just became clear to me that we didn't have the important things in common - we wanted different futures, interpreted each other's behaviour wrongly (with our own prejudices). In the end I ended it because it didn't seem that we had enough of the basic foundations in common.
I don't know about whether your girlfriend cheated on you, but I wonder if this is the only problem you have? Perhaps the biggest issues are that you have a lot of responsibility, and behave in the way you need to for this, and your girlfriend doesn, and she's acting like anyone would in your positions. You seem to come from such different backgrounds, and heading (at the moment) towards different directions. Maybe it's more important to challenge this right now? If she is cheating on you her behaviour could well be a reflection of this bigger issue.
You can work on this relationship if you love her enough. With her you need to sit down and find out where you are both headed. If you are still together after this, then yes, challenge her about your suspicions. Good luck xxx
DanielN on 29 August 2009 at 9:37pm said...
Thankyou for your reply, there is no doubt in my mind that i truly love her, but for somereason no matter what i say, i cant get through to her how i feel - exactly what you just said about respnsibility and me not be able to do the things she can due to that.
Reading what you have just written has confirmed what i was already thinking, and now i sit here at home on my own whilst she's yet again on a night out!!
To be honest i dont think shes ever cheated on me, shes just not that sort of girl - sort of quiet and naieve, and she is just a normal young teenage girl, i have tried to change in the past, thought of going for therapy to make me less anxious, selling the business but all to no avail.
Im really at a loss and dont know what to do!
Halo on 29 August 2009 at 10:20pm said...
I would ask her out right about men and things. If you have a feeling in your gut you need to just mention it to her (put your mind at rest). The worst thing that can happen is that she denies everything even though you have seen hints of (whatever has happened if it has happened)She maybe still be venting grief. So watch how you word things.
Also are you upset that you don’t get the time with her that you would like?You have a lot on you could maybe write her a letter just telling her how much you love her and how you wish you could have more couple time. Tell her anything you want her to know.
I am in firm believer in Well can all accidentally vocally flirt we all do it some point. But I think any textual flirtation Email/text ect has a lot more thought to it. After all you think about it enough to actually commit it down to written word.
Well that is my thoughts on the matter. I don’t think couples should ever send anyone something that they would hide from the partners.
DanielN on 28 January 2010 at 5:23pm said...
Hi all its been a while, but i thought id update you on the situation!
I found out at the end of november that she had infact slept with a guy behind my back, not the guy that i mentioned above but another one she had met in similar circumstances. It took a month for me to find out off the guy himself, he thought it would be a good idea to rub it in. great.
So the night i found out about that i had a ring round all of her friends to ask if there was anyone else, and low and behold she had slept with my best friend two years ago and lied about it ever since, in fact everyone had lied to me because literally hundreds of people knew about it, all my friends her parents everyone!
So since then i have been on the rebound with a girl over xmas, thinking back it was a great distraction, but i still think about my ex everyday, i cant help it.
Thing is after we split up she carried on sleeping with they guy shed slept with a few months ago, and then started meeting another one of my mates but i dont think anything happened there, and now she wants me back and i want her but to be honest i can hardly look at her i realy want to get back with her but i just dont know weather she is still lying about certain things or not. She wrote me a letter telling me everything that had happened but i still dont beleive it.
So ye im a bit stuck, what would you guys do?