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Live Discussion: Your sex and relationship questions answered by Dr. Lori Boul

20:00, 15 Feb 2012


Submit your questions for Dr Lori now to admin@thecoupleconnection.net with the subject line‘Question for Dr Lori’, then join us at 8pm on Wednesday 15 February to take part in the discussion.

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  • DrLori
    User-anonymous

This discussion has finished.

Transcript

  • hi are we live
  • Hello everyone, we are pleased to welcome you to the online discussion with Dr Lori,
  • Work leaves my husband too exhausted for sex
  • My boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex, which puts me off having sex with him, which means he talks to her more, so I’m trapped, He can’t ever be rid of her as they have children and so if I stay with him I have to put up with it.
  • Hello, Tiny Tim. Thank you for your question. This is not an unusual problem but since some use this as an excuse because they have an erection problem can you tell me if you have asked him, or noticed any changes in his physical function? Do you know if he can still get an erection?
  • Hello Verity, I am sorry but I not sure what your question is. Do you want to know how to overcome your problem with sex, how to get your partner to talk to you more or how to deal with your feelings about your partners ex?
  • I think he can but to be honest I don't know, I hadn't thought about him I was too busy thinking about myself
  • Oh dear Tiny Tim, you really need to find out if he has a physical problem. This is very important because erection problems can be warning signs for other illnesses.
  • I think about how to deal with my feelings about my boyfriends ex, its really getting to me
  • Actually you have made me think that we don't really talk much either, he is so busy with work and I'm busy too,
  • Hi There everyone, I have a question for Dr. Lori.
  • Okay Verity, what are your feelings?
  • Jealousy really, because she dumped him I feel like I will never live up to her and it's making it really difficult
  • Tiny Tim you should talk to him, men are very bad at admitting sexual problems and often wait up to two years to tell their doctors. Try taking him out for a quiet evening, where you won't be disturbed and ask him.
  • Thank yu so much , you have really brought me up short, I'm so sorry I have been so self absorbed
  • A year ago I split up with by long-term partner who I was always head over heels for, but who treated me as an afterthought to everything else in his life. The attraction was so strong I often found ways to excuse his bad behaviour, but I eventually gave up and left.
  • Verity, Jealousy is a very powerful and destructive emotion, both for the person feeling it and the person on the receiving end. Do you think your jealousy is based on your own insecurities or has your partner done something that you feel isn't right?
  • Three months ago I met someone else who is kind, generous and funny, and who would make a very caring partner. The problem is I just don’t feel the same ‘spark’. My ex now wants me back and I’m torn between the two. Is there any way to create the ‘spark’ with my new partner or is the relationship doomed to fail if the same level of attraction isn’t there from the off?
  • Tiny Tim, You are most welcome but no need to apologize about being 'self-absorbed' you have identified a problem and I am sure you will sort it.
  • I think the jealousy is probably based on my own insecurities about not being good enough
  • Hello TrixieBell, Before I answer your question I need a little more information. Could I ask you when thinking about (or see) your ex does your mood change? For example do you feel exhilarated, euphoric and energetic and/or have feelings of anxiety and despair? Does your heart pounding, do you find it difficult to sleep, eat or think clearly?
  • I feel happy when I see him now
  • Like i forget that we ever had problems
  • I feel excited and exhilirated when I'm with him, but when we're apart I know he's no good for me
  • Verity, this isn't unusual. Unfortunately, we often tend to judge ourselves by outside influences, ex partners, mothers, media celebrities. The secret is in bolstering your own self worth. Look at the positive things about yourself, and don't fixate on the bits you don't like.
  • Thanks Lori, that's exactly how I feel, I should probably stop taking it out on him
  • Okay TrixeBell, so it sounds like you are still strongly attracted to your ex and might still be ‘in love’. But there is a difference between being ‘in love’ and being ‘in a loving relationship’. So which one do you want?
  • I want a loving relationship, but I don't know how to pull myself away from him and make myself feel that strongly for someone else. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
  • Hi Dr. Lori this question is from one of our users, who says she's in a constant state of anxiety about her boyfriend leaving her for another woman. She says she gets very jealous, and her jealousy is what is motivating her to have sex with her boyfriend more. She says she does know whether this is love or something else?
  • Hold on TrixieBell I have just tried to do a message but it was too long so I will try again in two messages.
  • thank you
  • Okay TrixieBell, First part of answer. It sounds like you are suffering from the passion of love, which scientists have described as a kind of madness similar to some types of mental illness, like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and cyclothemia (a bipolar disorder somewhat like manic-depression). Both produce similar changes in brain chemistry and powerful emotional responses
  • TrixieBell, if you are suffering from the 'madness' of love over your ex the first step is to recognise it for what it is, which is a powerful emotion that can be controlled. For example, you might be on a diet and are powefully attracted to a bar of chocolate but your risist. Why? Because you know it is bad for you.
  • So is the best thing to stay away?
  • TrixieBell, This doesn't mean you don't want it but that you are taking control. Neither will it create a 'spark' with your new partner but it will mean that you mibht be able to see your new partner is adiffer light, which might ignite a spark.
  • Sorry TrixieBell, Yes it is best to stay away.
  • Thank you, that is really helpful advice
  • I will try and take back some control now.
  • Go Trixie, you can do it.
  • Answer to admin (above). Jealousy is a very destructive emotion, both for the person feeling it and the person on the receiving end. You have been very brave to admit this problem and shown considerable insight in recognising that it might be about your anxiety about him leaving you. Before I try to answer your questions can you tell me if there is any basis to your fears about him being unfaithful or leaving you?
  • If you are afraid but there is no basis don’t let your imagination rule your relationship – talk to your partner. The truth might be difficult but it is better than ruminating on possibilities that might not happen.
  • Thanks Dr. Lori. Another user has sent in a question. This user says she has been with her husband for 22 years, and is 38. She and her husband are at crisis point. They argue too much and her husband gets very fustrated with her. They have already been to 7 counselling session, but she thinks they made matters worse. Any advice?
  • The user says she and her husband love each other very much but can't find a way past the arguements and they have two young children who she feels should not have to put up with their parents arguing all the time.
  • Couples argue, that is the nature of relationships. The key is how you argue. All too often it all accusation and defense. A good counsellor should have helped you learn how to communicate better. I usually get couples to start off by talking in a very formulaic way, one person gets a few minutes to talk, the other listens (without talking) then they repeat what they have heard to make sure they have understood before they get their turn. More....
  • Ah yes the sop and go traffic light system you talk about in your book. Great advice.
  • I know it sound strange, and it isn't easy to do, but you have to learn how to talk with and not at each other.
  • When you can do this you can resolve your issues without arguing.
  • The next question is from another user who is in a long term relationship and who is still very much in love with their partner, however feels their sex live has become a little stale. She says she enjoys sex but has difficulty getting in the mood most of the time. What do you advise this user?
  • Another note on arguing, many arguments are caused by something referred to as mind reading. We assume we know what our partners are thinking and inevitably get it wrong.
  • Her partner attempts to get her in the mood, but she says it usually has little effect?
  • Getting in the mood can be difficult when you have a lot of commitments, and particularly when there are children around. My advice to couples is to set aside some ‘us’ time. This means making dates (just like before you were living together) the preparation helps to get you in the mood. And it shouldn’t be the responsibility of one partner; you should take it in turns to surprise each other (this means make all the arrangements, including child care).
  • One of the many exercises in my book that has gone down well with couples is to go on a date in ‘fancy dress’, pretend you are someone else and you are meeting for the first time. To liven up a stale sex life you need to be inventive, different times, places and positions, try some sex toys or food (eat your fruit salad off each others bodies).
  • Brilliant. The next question is is from someone who is in a lesbian relationship, who feels she puts in all the effort in the bedroom. Her partner say that she doesn't @#$% so what the poin in spending time on her. Both her and her partner have a history of sexual abuse. This a hard one. What do you advise Dr. Lori?
  • If you have a good emotional relationship, which sound to be the case from your question, you should be able to make your physical relationship better. The key to a good sex life is the same as the key to a healthy relationship - communication. This might sound like stating the blinking obvious but when we live with someone we often assume that we understand what they want and like – the problem of ‘mind reading’.
  • Mind reading’ probably causes more problems in relationships than anything else. Partners cannot read each other’s minds, regardless of how well they think they know each other. So you should start by having a conversation about what you both want, like and enjoy. If this is difficult you could use body maps.
  • A body map is when you draw an outline of your body (front and back) and use coloured pens to identify the bits you like etc. So, green pen bits you like being touched, red pen bits you don't like and yellow pen bits you don't mind. Also indicate how you like being touched
  • Another user has written in to say that she and her partner are in their early 20s. They had a long distance relationship for about a year and she eventually got a job in the same area as her partner but began to really miss her frienzds and family. She says her partner is amazing but she has become depressed. She would like to move back home, but he doesn't want to leave his job. What would you advise they do?
  • This is a very difficult dilemma that faces many couples. Unfortunately, the only option you have is to find a compromise. However, you need to find a compromise that suits both of you. Relationships are about give and take and if one person does all the giving it can lead to resentment and ruin a good thing.
  • First, you say that you have become depressed, but I don’t know if this is caused mainly by your feelings of loneliness or your job. If you are unhappy in your job, can you find a new job or can afford to stop work?
  • You have been in your new place 5 months but you don’t say if you have made any new friends. Making new friends as an adult isn’t as easy. Unfortunately, we can’t just go up to people as ask them to be our friends, as we did when we were children. Have you thought about joining some local clubs or getting involved in voluntary work, both good ways of making new friends.
  • There are a number of things you could consider. For example, could you put a time limit on your current situation, i.e., in two years we will closer to our home town – it is much easier to deal with a situation your don’t enjoy if you know when it will end. Could you move to a town that is halfway between your hometown and your boyfriend’s job so that you can travel more easily to visit your family?
  • You might consider arranging regular monthly visits (long weekend or a week) with your family. Also, you could consider a long distance relationship; you move back to your hometown and have long visits with your boyfriend. While this type of relationship can be quite exciting (sexy telephone calls, emails and ‘honeymoon’ visits) I would only recommend it for couples that very secure relationship.
  • A gentleman user says he loves his wife, who is the mother of his children, but she's no longer the "hottie" he married. Any advise for this user?
  • Sometimes men go 'off' their partner after they have had children, not because they have change but because they no longer have enough time for them. I would suggest he tries to make some 'us' time, without the children. Make all the arrangements for a 'date' (including childcare arrangements) and give her chance to show off her hottie side again.
  • Bye everyone.
  • Thank you!
  • Thank you Dr Lori!
  • So its's now 9.00pm and we'd like to say a big thanks to Dr Lori Boul for providing us with all this excellent advise. Thank you also to all those who joined us this evening. Hope to see you all next time.
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