Why are some couples changing their minds about divorce?

For the last 6 years the divorce rate in the UK has fallen, but now new evidence is looking into the psychological reasons why some couples change their minds about divorce, even those who have already filed for it.

Experts name financial reasons as a crucial factor in declining divorce rate; legal fees and separate homes are costly, and in the current economic climate some couples simply can’t afford to divorce.  However, this is only touching the surface.

Recent research by psychologist William Doherty suggests there are “hard” and “soft” reasons (link) as to why couples split. “Hard reasons” include problems where a partner refuses to change their intolerable behaviour, such as alcoholism, gambling and ongoing affairs. “Soft reasons” include general dissatisfaction, apathy and lack of communication. 

The former reasons are certainly fair grounds for divorce, but Doherty believes couples should work on their relationships before splitting up for “soft reasons”, especially when children are involved.  In a 2009-2010 survey of nearly a thousand couples who filed for divorce, 55% stated “growing apart” as the main reason, followed by “not being able to talk together” (53%). Both are undeniably “soft” reasons, suggesting some couples are unwilling or unable to improve their relationship.

All relationships have their ups and downs, but by developing their communication skills couples can work towards a stronger relationship, even when things aren’t going so well.

thecoupleconnection.net can help couples develop and improve their relationship skills and talk through their rough patch, rather than declare the marriage dead.

Check out the relationship advice insights ‘Changes and Stages in a Relationship’, ‘Rollercoaster of Change’ and ‘The Sliding Scale of Happiness’ for a better understanding of why relationships go through ups and downs, and how you can move on from a set back.

Having difficulty working through “soft” problems? See our tips below:

• Mind-set

When problems happen in the relationship, all too often we assume it is our partner’s fault. If you are growing apart, don’t immediately blame them, but think about your own responsibility. Make changes to become more considerate, more generous, and less lazy. By changing your mind-set, you can stop yourself becoming bitter at these “soft” problems.

• Turn negative to positive

If you find yourself only moaning and complaining about your partner’s behaviour, turn this negativity around by only focusing on their good parts. It may seem hard, but make a list of their good qualities, and force yourself to only compliment your partner, to remind yourself why you love them and to make the atmosphere more positive.

• Time together

Finding time for each other, especially when you have been through a big change in your lives (such as having a baby) is very important so that you do not drift apart. Have a date every week, focussing on activities that encourage talking, such as taking a walk or going for coffee. See more tips for spending time together here.

Remember, relationships are not easy, and even the strongest of marriages can change over time. But divorce should only be an option when you have gone all out to get help and nothing has worked. 

Do you believe “soft reasons” for divorce are careless and irresponsible? Or do you think growing apart is a fair reason to split? Would you seriously consider divorce because you aren’t communicating well with your partner, or would you refuse to give in that easily? Please let us know below!