What other couples say about affairs and jealousy
No matter how you look at them, affairs and jealousy are horrible experiences. No one feels good after learning about an infidelity, but these things do happen. And while some couples feel they can't move on from an affair, others will find they can.
Every couple is different and deals with jealousy and infidelity in different ways. Some even find that getting over an affair actually makes them closer. It all depends on who you are, your beliefs, views, values and history.
Below you will find some examples of how other couples dealt with an affair.
Anita and Bill, North London.
Anita: “Even though you love each other it’s surprising how you can let each other down. Just after we married my dad died suddenly. I’d always been a daddy’s girl and I felt lost without him. But I had to get on and help my mum, and deal with a job and baby. Six months later, Bill told me that he’d had a brief affair, that it was over and that he was sorry. I couldn’t believe it. I thought ‘that’s it’ and asked him to move out. But I missed him. A girl at work suggested going to a counselor. Bill wasn’t sure, but gave it a go for my sake. So many things came out – about Bill’s family – his mum died when he was young and he got sent away to school when his dad remarried – about the break-up of his first marriage – and about us. While I was coping with losing my dad, Bill felt I didn’t need him, that he could never be like my dad. We had never argued much and I realized Bill was afraid of falling out with me.”
Bill: “When we got back together I felt so bad about myself, about what I’d done to Anita and to us as a family, I wasn’t sure I could pull it back together. But Anita is so good, she’s seen bits of me that are not the best and has accepted them. The counselling helped me understand things better and I know she does need me. Anita forgave me for the affair and we’ve been able to start again.”
Carrie, Solihull.
“To be perfectly honest, I was used to him not being there. So when he did leave, though it was horrible, I was kind of used to being on my own. My husband went off with a young woman. I had to stop myself saying 'hang on a minute, this might not turn out how you hope’. But you don’t say anything at the time… Since he came back, we are a lot stronger. He is grateful I did take him back – the sod! A lot of close friends knew that he had mistreated me. When I say that, I don’t mean he beat me or anything but he hadn’t given me any love or attention for ages.”
Roger, London.
“I couldn’t believe it when Bethan said she had had an affair. Well I say affair, it wasn’t anything prolonged or anything. She’d slept with a colleague a couple of times. The whole thing was unfathomable. I mean isn’t that something men do! She said she had been feeling really lonely. I work away a lot. When I’m home I really focus on spending time with my kids (from a previous relationship) and she said she felt left out and lonely. The weird thing is I can understand, if I was her I think I’d feel the same. She told me because she said she wanted things to change.
"It has taken so much to trust her again, and I think she worries that I still don’t trust her. I’m trying and I want our relationship to last. We love each other very much. Bethan changed her job and we’ve moved closer to where I need to be for work so now we spend more time together. I miss my children terribly but they come and stay regularly. We are making a go of it I suppose.
"Some men might think I was mad to take her back, but I don’t think she is “a cheater” as such, she was just lonely, she’d have rather been sleeping with me – but I wasn’t there! The worry about it happening again is probably worse than anything but it is getting easier with time.”
Comments
In todays society we are taught to give up and move on easily. This is because we are lazy and do accept responsibility for our present time and others future time on this planet. The generation before us accepted the notion of 'till death do us part'. Our generation of greedy, envious people should get a hobby like survival running from lions to keep us from messing with others. What you have to ask yourself is whether you want to be a product of your environment or your environment to be a product of you. If you want get respect and keep it - accept responsibility and measure it by the actions you take yourself.
I have recently confessed to having had a very brief fling with another man. The background to my situation is that about 3 months ago, my husband and I had an enormous argument whereby I said some very hurtful things and he ended it by threatening me. I ended up being off work ill and in a complete mess emotionally and for a week, he moved out. He discussed what had happened with his friend (who I also know) from work. Shortly after my husband came back, his friend came to see us a lot and I also began to confide in him about how I was feeling. Eventually we both admitted to each other that we found each other attractive and began seeing each other in secret. It wasn't long before the relationship became sexual. All this time, the friend would still come over for barbecues etc with my family. I ended the whole thing about 3 weeks ago because the guilt was awful and told my husband all about it at the weekend. He says that he forgives me but can't forget and blames his friend almost entirely. He also blames himself for his behaviour and not giving me enough attention and says he loves me more than anything. I know I have no right to expect anything from him at the moment, but his forgiveness is making me feel really uneasy, I fully expected that he would end our relationship as a result of this. My husband still works with this guy and has to see him every day and I worry so much about this. I'm just not sure how we can continue in our marriage following such a damaging revelation.
We met a married couple and the four of us became really good friends. We spent lots of time together, went on holiday, all four of us got on really well. It soon became apparent that my husband and the other wife were attracted to one another but it seemed pretty harmless at first. But then, some months later, both her husband and my suspected they had started an affair. AFter a few months of this (it was awful and painful, especially not saying anything), I saw that he was getting bored with her but didn't know how to end it with her.
She was clearly smitten with him. The more he withdrew, the more desperate she became. She began to make her desperation and desire for him very obvious to the point where both her husband and I couldn't avoid the issue any more. She really behaved in a silly way and began to be jealous of me and nasty too. She even suggested to my husband that they should divorce their partners and live together. This frightened the life out of him and he confessed all to me and we agreed to end the friendship with them. We didn't tell her husband as he was very vulnerable at that stage, so although he suspected, he was happy to accept that she hadn't been unfaithful. Neither of us even told her that I knew about the affiar - we just stopped contacting them both and made excuses if they called and invited us over. I was so angry with her that I didn't believe she needed any explanations and I knew that her husband understood, whether he admitted it or not, our exact reasons for avoiding them.
Of course it was hard for me to forgive my husband and trust him again, but our marriage is still good and we are very happy 10 years after the event. She and her husband stayed together for a while, but I think she wanted more than he could offer her in the way of romance, attention etc. They are now divorced and she is with another man, having left her husband devastated and heartbroken.
Although the affair was very hurtful to me, it made my husband realize how much he did NOT want to lose me. As for her, I think she is a wicked self-indulgent person who has messed up her husband and her children all for the sake of some non-existent dream of happy-ever-after. What goes around comes around though and if there is any justice in the universe, her new boyfriend will cheat on her so she can get a small taste of what she put her husband through, and me too. In the end, it is up to the women to be strong. Men find it very difficult to resist what is offered on a plate. I gave him a hard time about his behaviour - he didn't get off lightly, but in the long run it was worthwhile.
If he cheats again, he's out. And he knows it. My advice for what it's worth: If you think he's having an affair, give it time to burn itself out. At some point, she will become desperate and he will become bored. Not easy though!